Misanthropaea

Thoughts on the Next Iron Chef 8

After a brief recap of the last 7 years weeks we are reminded by Alton Brown that the final two Padawan Chefs are classically trained Latin Chef Jose Garces and cutting edge Pastry Chef Jehangir Mehta, one of whom is one hour and one  meal away from becoming the Next Iron Chef.

I think that would be a great premise for a show.

My problem is attention span, though, and I would need someone standing round at every opportunity to remind me of the most basic things because I have a short span of that one thing.

Amidst the flashing spotlights, swirling dry ice fog, two 20-inch PC monitors, and Alan Silvestri-style music, a tuxedoed Alton Brown welcomes us to Kitchen Stadium wherein the final battle will take place – an epic battle, he says, of victuals. Mmm, victuals. I love me a big mess of victuals out by the cee-ment pond…

Judging this final competition are, of course, sustainable food expert Anya Fernald, food writer Jeffrey Steingarten (who is either attempting to smile at the camera or is squeezing out a B flat minor through the seat of his rented tux), and restaurateur Donatella Arpaia. Joining our judges are three Iron Chefs, Michael Simon, Morimoto, and Dark Lord of the Sith, Bobby Flay.

The challenge for our two remaining finalists is to use their imagination – and the secret ingredient – to producing five dishes that ‘exemplify ethnic melting pot of   American cuisine.’  And that secret ingredient is…

Wait for it…

Whoosh!  ‘Ribs and racks!’  yells Chairman Mark with a silly Karate chop.

The audience who wasn’t there just a second ago all say ‘Oh!’ like they’ve never seen meat before. And to satisfy them, the camera swoops in to close ups of fatty racks of meat and giant bony ribs poking everywhere as dry ice fog pours everywhere. Reminds me of road kill on a misty morning. Thems good victuals.

And with a couple of dramatic whooshy turns of his head and another idiotic Karate chop, Mark shouts something like ‘I can see!’ – which I think must mean something like ‘Aaaaand – GO!’ – and the clock begins counting down.

Everybody grabs their meat and starts working it and then we go to commercial.

Interestingly enough, there is a new competition series starting 3 January, so says the adverts: Worst Cooks In America. Man, I could so be on that!

Anyway…

Giving a blow by blow colour commentary of these guys smearing their meat with honey glazes, rubbing it with Dijon mustard or working it awkwardly into various implements seems a waste of time. Obviously the editing is such that you can’t get a true grasp of what’s happening so it’s best just to skip ahead to the judging at the opulent red and black Pink Floyd The Wall set.

Chef Mehta has produced a smothered buffalo dumpling which everyone raves about, a pork burger with chipotle mayo (which no-one likes because they think it is undercooked) and a short rib with apricot glaze. Morimoto says that Chef Mehta has tried to do ‘too much things.’ His third course is an Indian Style pork sparerib with saffron palau. It is met with mixed reaction. His fourth plate is a buffalo steak with a chocolate and malbec reduction. Bubbles Steingarten says it was too sweet and Donatella scoffs at him, saying ‘It wasn’t that sweet, Jeffrey.’

‘Don’t you criticise me,’ he pouts.

For his final dish, Chef Mehta has produced a buffalo tartare with avocado sorbet which everyone but Lord Flay enjoys. He was not a fan of the sorbet.

Chef Garces is next with his first offering of buffalo tartare with Kobe sirloin and a buffalo rib steak cooked au poivre – a fancy term meaning, essentially, ‘pepper steak’ – which is a big hit amongst the judges. Even Lord Flay is impressed as Chef Garces shows he is in total command of his meat. His second offering is a carnitas taco, again showered with praise except from Donatella who bit into cartilage.  The third dish is a pork loin crusted with mustard and herbs which Anya says is very bland in contrast to the other dishes. Dish four is a beef short rib pizza with a balsamic marmalade. Morimoto says it needs more punch and Anya didn’t quite understand what Chef Garces was going for. The fifth and final dish is baby back ribs with spicy barbeque sauce.

Chairman Mark is banished to a shadowed Time Out chair behind the Pink Floyd set and the judges start to vote based on Taste & Flavour, Originality, Presentation and the Swimsuit Competition.

Bubbles burbles that Chef Garces is a wonderful cook but no dish really bowled him over compared to what he has served in past episodes. He also thinks that ‘they’ – meaning the other Iron Chefs – want someone who cooks like them and that, for some reason, ‘they’ favour Garces.

‘They,’ of course bristle at this and Michael Simon fires back that he hadn’t thought of it in those terms and that he based his comments on the food he enjoyed eating.

‘But is that really the test?’ asks Donatella. She felt that Chef Garces showed a mastery of technique and better range but his food was boring. She is torn in trying to decide who would grow if given the opportunity.

Anya feels that Chef Mehta shows glimpses of greatness that Chef Garces does not achieve though in this particular outing Chef Mehta had some serious weaknesses in execution. She feels that Chef Garces showed greater conceptual imagination but he failed to produce anything stratospheric.

Bubbles chimes in that the bland pork rib of Chef Garces was, if served in a restaurant, not worth paying for and that if anyone thought it was good then he has a bridge he would like to sell them.

Michael Simon argues that what it really comes down to is technique and basic skills. He feels that Chef Mehta failed in that regard whilst Chef Garces shone brightly despite bland and ‘safe’ food.

Finally the judges hand in their ballots and to make up for their long discussion we get a block of advertising so long I almost forgot what the fuck I was watching. Eventually we get to the point at which the dramatics and theatrics culminate in the unveiling of the new Iron Chef – Chef Jose Garces, of course – and there was much rejoicing.

Yea…

Thoughts on the Next Iron Chef 7

In this the seventh instalment of James A Michener’s sweeping 52-part saga,  the triad of remaining Iron Chef hopefuls limp along the Tokyo docks in the meagre grey dawn light towards their inevitable meeting with Alton ‘Have I Over-Explained Things To You Enough Yet?’ Brown and Chairman Mark.

Coming together dramatically like underworld syndicate bosses in a big budget John Woo film, Chairman Mark observes that there are only three remaining Iron Chef hopefuls remaining. He offers them kudos – a Japanese word meaning ‘it is originally a Greek word’ – and tells them that their stress will only intensify as they take their culinary sojourn through Tokyo. ‘Sojourn’ means ‘a temporary stay.’ I think he meant to say ‘journey’ and then perhaps burst into a rousing solo rendition of Don’t Stop Believin’. Or not.

He goes on to say that, no matter what dish is prepared, an Iron Chef always respects the integrity of the ingredients. You can talk dirty to them, but you have to respect their integrity. Food, he rambles on, tells a story, and ‘your food…[dramatic pause]… should tell your story.’ He bows, they bow, he bows to Alton, Alton bows back, and then Chairman Mark bows out. And then everyone watches in stoic silence as he quite idiotically climbs a set of stairs in a ridiculous bit of fast-motion photography only to stop at the top of the stairs, in slow motion, and then whip round with the requisite Karate-chop whoosh! sound to nod at the camera and make a yummy sound before trotting of in fast-motion again.

I know the Ad Council and Hilary Duff would prefer it if I Think B4 I Speak, but that’s just so gay…

‘Honour your ingredients and tell a story with the foods you prepare,’ Alton Brown reiterates, in case the three remaining chefs remaining forgot what was just being discussed because they have short term… you know… something…

‘Here in Japan,’ he presses, ‘those are the components of the consummate culinary experience known as “kaiseki.”  This ancient culinary tradition is upheld with a meal that is all about personal expression. Today, you should be inspired by that tradition to create a multi-course meal where taste, presentation and creativity combine to create a narrative that says something about you as a chef. This is about integrity. Now run up those stairs like a bunch of sissies.’

Of course by this time we have lost interest and only hear ‘Blah blah blah kaiseki blah’ and begin thinking of Dos Equis because it sounds like Kaiseki. Eventually Alton will repeat himself, so it’s all good.

They will be sent across the river to a fish market and will have 60 minutes – which in Japan is the equivalent of about one hour – to gather all of the ingredients required to make five-course kaiseki-inspired meals. ‘It needs to be built around seafood,’ Alton tells them, which is presumably why they are going to shop at a seafood market. Just my guess.

After their shopping excursion, the chefs return to the Hattori Nutrition College and the ubiquitous Alton Brown greets them, reminding them that they have returned again to the famous Hattori Nutrition College. Chef Mehta may have possibly done a bit of over-shopping, amassing enough boxed and bagged product to fill almost two tabletops, garnering snide criticism from Chefs Mullen and Garces who feel that the typical items he produces are ‘this big’ (and they illustrate ‘this big’ with their thumbs and forefingers held approximately this far apart) and that he is supposed to be cooking for six people, not one hundred. Me-ow…

Alton explains to the Padawan Chefs that Chairman Mark requires them to make a kaiseki-style meal and that presentation is of prime concern and so there is virtually an entire china shop – as opposed to a japan shop – at their disposal for the purposes of presentation. They will have two hours to create five courses of seasonal seafood. And in the end, two of them will move on to the Kitchen Stadium challenge and one of them will not. So I guess that’s how an elimination works. Glad he could explain that.

Aaaaand – GO!

Alton Brown, in a voice over, explains that the chefs have been given two hours to create a five-course kaiseki-style meal. An invaluable insight for those less astute than he.

After a few minutes of rapid cuts, dramatic music, whip-pans and edgy zooms, all the while hearing about prologues to ‘my story’ and miso-glazes, palate-cleansers and a bunch of culinary terms, we reach the end of the cooking.

On the non-Pink Floyd set, the judges gather. This time along with Alton, Donatella, Anya, and Bubbles, we also have Dr Yukio Hattori again and Chairman Mark. Alton explains to everyone that this time the three remaining chefs remaining were charged with positive ion particles cooking a five course kaiseki-style meal (he always stresses the ‘style’ portion in case anyone would take him too literally) in which integrity for the ingredients and creating a personal story was paramount.

Chef Mullen is first and he offers not five but six dishes, because he felt his personal culinary narrative needed a prologue.  Through his understanding of kaiseki, he is going to offer his culinary story (is there and echo in here?). The prologue is a kelp cured wild salmon belly, a prawn tartare, and a sea urchin with strawberries wrapped in yuba skin. These are a prelude to the four stages of his story, he says, disregarding the fact that there are only three tidbits in the prologue and five dishes to come.

His first dish is a salmon mousse with ikura in a dashi broth. This is followed by a prawn a la plancha (with words and music by Joe Darion and Mitch Leigh), a palate cleanser of tomato and oyster water chilled soup, ginger rice with sea urchin and a blonde miso soup (which lacks umami, says the Darth Vader dubbing for Dr Yukio), and for the final course he offers strawberry ice cream with grey mullet roe. I have no idea what that means. Mullets went out of style in the 80s. Unless you live in a trailer park. Or shop at package liquor stores.

Chef Mehta is next, presenting his food with an elaborate array of flowers – what Chefs Mullen and Garces called a ‘funeral procession.’ Flowers makes Chef Mehta happy and so every dish has them. First he has a clam salad with chili flower. This is followed by lobster with zucchini blossoms, green chili shrimp with chrysanthemum, scallop with ginger and also chrysanthemum, and finally a mango crab tartare with a cactus flower sherbet.

With all the food being presented, there is a strong likelihood that we might have just forgotten what this was all about. Fortunately Alton Brown steps in to remind us all that the challenge was for the chefs to make five kaiseki-style seafood dishes – in just two hours – and to create a narrative.

Filling that void, Chef Garces enters, explaining that the first dish is about discovery, such as how he discovered that he was a Latin Chef. Not trying to be insensitive or anything but I would think the Latin part of that equation wasn’t exactly a V8 moment for him. So discovery is represented by Gazpacho with king crab and avacado. The second course – about his roots – is toro and scallops with leche de tigre. My vast knowledge of the Spanish language is relegated to the late night menu at Taco Bell and the term ‘Bombilla Blanca’ so I can’t help you out here. Bubbles Steingarten voices his concern (there’s a shock) that Chef Garces wasted perfectly good toro as a dipping sauce for fish. Darth Yukio booms that Japanese normally use something called ‘soy sauce’ as a dipping medium for fish – something like Kikkoman.

The next offering in the Chef Garces story is called ‘labour’ and is represented by grilled kampachi with asparagus, bamboo and amaebi. He says that kampachi is a fish that can easily be overcooked and Bubbles agrees, saying that it is ‘way overcooked.’ Darth Yukio finds Bubbles’ lack of faith disturbing and says that the fish is cooked perfectly. Take that, Mr Bubbles…

Dragging along, Chef Garces now offers the next chapter - ‘breakthrough’ – for which he has created hot pot with lobster, abolone (like Oscar Mayer?) and mushrooms, and his final chapter - ‘destiny' (from which there is no escaping, or so says Frederick Frankenstein) – is a sea urchin custard with fresh mango.

What is it with sea urchin? You go to probably the biggest open air fish market in the world, with every conceivable variety of seafood there is, and everyone grabs sea urchin. I don’t get it.

After a few visual palate cleansers of swimming Koi and some flowers, we jet away to the Teahouse of Destiny where Donatella, Anya and Bubbles are about to choose who has won and who has not. They argue the relative merits of some of the food and snipe at each other over individual comments but eventually come to a consensus. To the strains of timpani and Terminator music, the Padawan Chefs enter the Teahouse to hear their fates. Each is praised and criticised for one thing or another and ultimately it is Chef Mullen who is shown the sliding rice paper exit doors because he didn’t cook his rice very well, and if you’re going to cook in Japan, you really need to know how to cook rice.

That leaves Chefs Mehta and Garces to battle it out in Kitchen Stadium. Man. That’s like a whole week away. Can you stand the unbearable tension of waiting that long? I may need to have a palate cleanser…

Thoughts on the Next Iron Chef 6

In Japan this week, finally, Chairman Mark tells the final four chefs that they must use Your Mommy – sorry, no, that’s ‘umami’ – which is Japanese for, roughly, ‘tasty.’  He says it means ‘deliciousness.’  So they must use their tasty deliciousness in their quest for ‘deliciousness.’ I get it. It’s all clear to me now.

Alton Brown drones on about the four basic tastes of sweet, salty, sour, and bitter, and how umami is now the fifth taste and blah, blah, blah, yeah, it’s all good eats – and how this flavour is best brought out by the use of soy sauce (which has nothing to do with this being sponsored by Kikkoman or anything – oh not, not at all).

The chefs are swept off to a time-honoured yakitori bar which, as you can see from the little blue explanatory box – just there – that yakitori is something to do with grilling on skewers over charcoal. I thought that was shish kabob. Here they will be using a mystical ingredient called ‘soy sauce’ which really isn’t all that mystical since we just got finished hearing about only just two seconds earlier. Perhaps we forgot in all the confusion.

And then Alton drones on about how soy sauce is made because apparently he has never done a Good Eats show about it and therefore now, in the middle of another programme, is really the best time for him to do so.

At the Temaemiso Yakitori Bar in Tokyo (yes, in Japan), our young Thomas Dolby clone Alton now explains to the Padawan Iron Chefs-To-Be that Chairman Mark is a fan of simple, ‘folksy’ cuisine – because, if you might recall, he likes ‘hole in the walls’ places – and Alton also explains what a yakitori is and how to eat said: ‘Food goes on stick, food goes on fire, food goes in mouth.’

Brilliant. See, I can’t understand why these people aren’t taking notes. I’d be asking for a written diagram on a chalkboard or at least a hand-out or study guide so that I could follow along. Just breathtaking in its scope and clarity. This is how Moses – who, you will recall, looked very like the late Charlton Heston – must have felt at the top of Mount Sinai hearing the Ten Commandments. It was probably a V8 moment where he smacked his forehead and thought, ‘Oh Adonai! This stuff should be carved in stone!’

Yakitori, Alton explains to them, is big on umani, primarily due to the use of Kikkoman Soy Sauce – seasoning your life – and that their challenge is to create, in thirty minutes, five umami-rich skewers using the conveniently ample supply of various Kikkoman Soy Sauces, seasoning your life, a sauce with a centuries-old culinary tradition, which are spread – labels out – in a vast array before them as a rather none-too-subtle hint that consideration has been paid for by Kikkoman Corporation, a division of Del Monte Foods.

They will be cooking in pairs (because the restaurant is small), or ‘two at a time,’ Alton clarifies, and their special judge this week is Iron Chef Morimoto – all the way from his secret hiding place in the back room pantry – who runs out in slow motion to the strains of The Terminator theme. Chef Mehta says that being judged by Morimoto is like going to the principal’s office. Foregoing the pointless subtitles to translate what Chef Morimoto says to the Final Four, Food Network has opted for dubbing Masaharu Morimoto as if he were in a Godzilla – or, more correctly, Gojira – film. The dramatic voice actor tells us (and presumably the smiling and nodding chefs who have no idea what is being said),  ‘This is difficult. You’ll be making five skewers with umami-rich sauces. You have very little time. Stay focused and cook well.’

Was this really necessary? Do we really need to have everything repeated to us again and again just seconds after hearing it the first time they said it only to have it told to us again after we just heard it?

So Alton tells Chef Mehta and Chef Freitag (who I’m really liking more and more, not that you care) that they will have thirty minutes to create five skewers, or yakitori, which are like shish kabobs, with the umami-richness of Kikkoman Soy Sauce, the sauce with a centuries-old culinary tradition, seasoning your life, and that they will have thirty minutes. Aaaaaaaand – GO!

Once the first pair are finished, Chef Mullen and Chef Garces are told by Alton that they will have thirty minutes to prepare five – yes, five – umami-rich skewers of what the Japanese call ‘yakitori’ (which are very like a meat of some sort grilled on a stick), slathered with Kikkoman Soy Sauce (which is an ancient cooking ingredient in the Orient, called ‘The Orient’ because of the uncanny ability of the indigenous population to know where they are at all times, although the oldest native inhabitants of Japan are called the ‘Ainu,’ who exhibit more typically Caucasian qualities and whose language is called a ‘Language Isolate’ because it bears no known relationship to other languages and, interestingly enough, ‘Anu’ or ‘Ainu’ are often mentioned in texts of ancient Mesopotamia and, quite surprisingly, ancient Celtic tribes – especially in Ireland).

Oh, yes. Iron Chef. Sorry.

Aaaaand – GO!

Chef Garces, it must be said, is going to veer from the status quo and says that it is his strategy to create a full yakitori menu including dessert. BUT – and here’s the cunning bit – he is going to infuse each yakitori or ‘skewer’ with a umami-richness: tasty deliciousness. Whoa! Mandy Freitag better watch out for this guy! Wow!

Chef Mullen tells us that when he thinks of ‘umami’ he prefers to think of something called ‘soy,’ which he thinks is a fantastic vehicle for umami-rich cooking. =:0

First up, Chef Mehta has chosen to take a leek…

Leek. Take a leek. Hello? Is this thing on?

…and put it on a skewer and grill it with panko bread crumbs. That would make a great shish kabob. Morimoto says it is not crunchy enough. Next are yuzu soy clams with sesame seeds.  He also offers grilled beef with pepper and ‘soy sauce,’ apples with ‘soy sauce’ and caramel (which the dubbed dramatic voice tells us ‘is delicious and very original’) and, last, strawberries with chocolate, ‘soy sauce,’ and chili.

Chef Freitag is next, offering a zucchini/eggplant/red onion combo with yuzu ‘soy sauce,’ grilled chicken with orange-infused ponzu, grilled duck with spicy kimchi ‘soy sauce,’ grilled cod with clam broth and lime ‘soy sauce,’ and finally a hanger steak with sesame teriyaki.

Chef Garces has created charred tofu with clam broth and dashi ‘soy sauce,’ teriyaki grilled asparagus, yuzu glazed cod with pickled cucumber, a ‘soy sauce’ glazed pork with broccoli and grapes, and for the wrap up teriyaki strawberries with avocado.

Chef Mullen provides an asparagus and leek ‘skewer’ in a cherry-wasabi marinade, dashi ‘soy sauce’ rice in spinach leaf (which Morimoto says is dry), a grilled clam with yuzu ‘soy sauce,’ peach infused pork with white ‘soy sauce,’ and finally a duck breast with tofu, ‘soy sauce’ and blackberry.

In the end, the dramatic dubbed voice tells us, like Casey Kasem on American Top 40, that Chef Mehta is the winner because he ‘enhanced each skewer with a sense of deliciousness – the umami. And remember… keep your feet on the ground and keep reaching for the stars…’

Next, we jet away to the Hattori Nutrition College where Alton Brown and some old guy who looks like Mr Miyagi but is, in fact, Dr Yukio Hattori (the original ‘culinary commentator’ on the original Iron Chef which was, I’m thinking, a programme made in Japan in a time long ago often referred to idiomatically as ‘the day’).

The Padawan Iron Chefs are challenged to make Five Tastes With Rice (not to be confused with Five Fingers of Death) which are to include the flavours of sweet, sour, bitter, salty – and, of course, the tasty deliciousness of umami – and which will be served in Bento Box or, what the little blue translation box over there describes as traditional serving trays for multi-course meals. I just can’t even imagine how these chefs can work with such unwieldy restrictions like plates and serving trays…

Chef Mehta gets to choose his box first – oh yeah, pick the shiny one, that’s just freaking great, man! – and then everyone else gets to fight over the others. They are to create their five rice dishes and, somehow, cram them into the Bento Boxes – all in just 90 minutes!

Fortunately the show isn’t that much longer, but it sure will feel like it.

Aaaaaaaand – GO!

Aaaaaaaand – we’re finished.

In an undisclosed kitchen, our judges – Donatella Arpaia, Anya Fernald, and Jeffrey Steingarten, and special guest Mr Miyagi – await their plates from the Final Four. Alton Brown reminds them (and us) that the chefs had 90 minutes to prepare Five Tastes of Rice with sweet, sour, salty, bitter – and umami, the tasty deliciousness. I’m so glad he had the chance to clarify that. I was lost.

Chef Mehta is first and he presents Sour – Yuzu sour plum sherbet over rice oyster; Umami – Shrimp with rice, mung bean and rice cracker (to which a Darth Vader-like Uber-dramatic Dubbed Voice for Mr Miyagi says ‘I…did not taste the umami’); Salty – Pork rice with salty caramel apple; Bitter – Bitter melon, tomato & basil salad; Sweet – Flower berry salad with sugared shiso and rice crisps.

Thankfully, after the length of time we had to go without it, Alton turns to the judges and explains to them that the chefs had to create five dishes for the Bento Boxes using rice as a vehicle. And as you know, rice is a bitch to drive. You’re always going against the grain.

The grain.

So… Chef Mullen is next. He offers a bitter dish of mixed tempura with green tea salt, a umami dish of Bibimbap with Kobe beef and Shitake mushroom (which the Darth Vader voice says was ‘perfectly done’), a salty dish of green olive rice cake with cured sardines, a sour dish of sticky rice with octopus and Umeboshi, and a sweet dish of yuzu ice cream with rice crackers.

Chef Garces, winging it without additional explanatory digressions from Alton Brown, offers a bitter dish of bitter green and black rice salad, a sour dish of pickled sardines over pickled vegetables, a salty dish of octopus rice cake, a umami dish of pork belly over congee and Shitake mushroom, and a sweet dish of canela rice pudding with raspberries.

Chef Freitag brings for her sour dish, a kuromutsu in yuzu dashi broth, a umami dish of Kobe beef teriyaki with red rice and Shitake mushroom (whereupon the Darth Vader voice asks her if she knew Shitake has umami on its own), a salty dish of sushi rice balls with seaweed and rice cracker, a bitter dish of tempura radicchio and prawns, and her sweet dish is black sticky rice with fruit. The Darth Vader voice says even Japanese chefs have a hard time doing what she did and commends her ability in the ways of The Force.

And, one more time before we go, Alton points out to the judges that the chefs were to create Five Tastes With Rice, each representing sweet, sour, bitter, salty, and umami  – the the tasty deliciousness.

And somehow, despite accolades from Mr Miyagi, Chef Freitag is snubbed in favour of Chef Garces, who is named the winner of the competition. Chef Mehta, who did not let Mr Miyagi taste his umami, also moves to the next round.  Chef Mullen’s beef dish has saved his ass and Chef Amanda Freitag is show the sliding rice paper exit door.

Bastards.

For tasty deliciousness in your own kitchen, why not make your next meal a umami-rich experience with the goodness of Kikkoman Soy Sauce, a sauce with a centuries-old culinary tradition? Kikkoman: Seasoning your life.

Thoughts on the Next Iron Chef 5

This week, Chef Suvir Saran (not of the Saran-wrap empire), the owner of ‘Devi’ in New York, is introduced as one of Chairman Mark’s ‘culinary cohorts’ and ‘Master of Indian Flavours and Techniques’ and someone who has ‘very refined views on what makes Indian food tick.’  He challenges the six remaining chefs to give him their impression of India in one bite: ‘Magical, brilliant, small, delicious.’ But without meat. And to verify that there is, in fact, no meat, the camera swoops round the table of ingredients to the ominous strains of something that sounds like the Hogwarts Express coming to an abrupt halt and some dramatic drumming.

Alton explains that this ‘One Bite Indian’ Pressure Challenge will be vegetarian in nature (on account of there’s no meat on the table as the swooping camera and dramatic Terminator score just indicated) and that the chefs will have 30 minutes to prepare their impression of India in one bite for Chef Saran to taste. Strange. I know Alton was in the room when this stuff was explained the first time. Why does he feel the need to repeat everything as if he is talking to kids on the short bus?

Chef Mehta (who is Indian) makes a something with eggplant, poppy seeds, tapioca, okra, coriander, and a chutney. It’s served on a piece of jute fabric which looks like a giant Triscuit cracker and Chef Saran tells him that everything was great except for the piece of carpet that confused him. Chef Mullen makes a Roti with raita, okra and a garam masala vinaigrette and a chutney. Chef Saran tells him he should not have  cooked the Roti in oil. He didn’t. That’s not a good sign.

Chef Frietag creates Pakora (Indian style vegetable fritters, informs the subtitles) with a mint-cilantro yoghurt. She and Chef Saran spar a bit over the definition of ‘chutney.’ Apparently everyone is doing a chutney. Chef Garces makes a curried cauliflower with raita and mango chutney. Chef Saran questions the use of irrelevant garnishes and says, because of the giant portion, it is an impossible ‘one bite.’ He also asks why Chef Garces used curry powder and why he would think Indians use it, for which Chef Garces says, ‘Uuuhmmm…’  Chef Saran tells him that, in India, they would have made three dishes in thirty minutes – and none of them with curry powder. Behind him, Chef Mehta smiles happily.

Chef Appleman makes his take on Aloo Gobi with fried cauliflower and okra, but no chutney. Chef Saran smiles, nods, and tells him that, with just a pinch more salt, the dish would be ‘the magic of an Indian home.’ Chef Appleman tells the camera (from the Fortress of Solitude) that he has never under-seasoned a dish. That’s great, man. Way to take a compliment!

Chef Trevino serves up a vegetable curry with chapati and raita which – again – is not precisely ‘one-bite’ friendly. He has to instruct Chef Saran on how to eat it. Chef Saran tells him that with more salt, the flavours would dance. Instead, they don’t.

A stunned Chef Mehta’s smile is wiped away when Chef Saran says that Chef Appleman had the best dish and that Chef Mullen was a close second. Holy cow. (See, that’s a joke because, in India… oh never mind…)

The next Pressure Challenge will result in a double elimination, Alton tells them (which sounds like a bladder control issue to me) and that the remaining chefs will have just two hours to create a five course Indian feast. Two hours? That’s easy! I’ve made Indian feasts in two hours and these guys are all ‘oh no that’s not enough time!’ Once again over-thinking some of the most basic cuisine in the world.

They do get the benefit of ‘proteins’ this time.  That’s meats to you and me. It’s an odd thing, though, to see how many times these chefs struggle with kitchen implements – like how to put a lid on a pressure cooker.

On the Pink Floyd set, Chef Freitag presents a Chicken Mughlai, grilled Naan with sautéed scallions, basmati rice with crisp potato, Thoran with cabbage and carrot, and a Kheer sweet rice pudding with saffron. Giggles Steingarten shocked me by not only loving the food but asking for Anya’s crisp potato. Amazing.

Chef Mullen offers a Samosa with garbanzo, okra, and potato, Vindaloo goat, spice grilled prawns with ghee, Chana Dal with red lentils – a dish called ‘an unpleasant interpretation’ by Sir Laffs-a-lot. Somewhere we missed the fifth dish. Oh. No we didn’t. He didn’t make one. That’s nice.

Chef Trevino prepares a Dal with orange lentils and saffron, basmati rice with curry beef, potatoes with nigella and fennel, Aubergine with mushrooms and almonds, and Chicken Tikka with tandoori spice.

Chef Appleman, who says he has no knowledge of Indian food, presents Saag Paneer dumplings in a spinach sauce, coconut milk batter-fried yellowtail snapper (which is not at all Indian), stuffed eggplant with lamb and tomato chutney, Masala Dosa with cauliflower and potatoes, and a roasted banana with cinnamon and clove which Donatella says tastes ‘soapy.’ Mmmm.

Chef Mehta creates eggplant with poppy seeds and shrimp, goat Palau with rice and saffron, Shrikhand with tapioca chips, Halvah with sesame and fig, and finally Rava, which is a cream of semolina dessert.

Chef Garces makes a Lamb Karahi with apricot and almonds, Dal with yellow lentils and zucchini, Prawns Korma in a coconut cream sauce, his version of Saag Paneer,  and then a coconut tapioca with pineapple and saffron foam.  

The gods know, of course, that we couldn’t completely escape the lunacy of Chairman Mark, and he pops up – via video (as usual) – to explain that only four chefs will get to move on to the next challenge and that the in-flight meal served on the airplane he is in should be a hint as to where this challenge will take place. Crate & Barrel? Ikea? No. It’s Japan! Wee!  Watashi no hobaakurafuto wa unagi de ippai desu!

In typical tension- and patience-straining style, the winners are announced: Chef Freitag… will move ahead; Chef Trevino is shown the comically large exit door – so soon! Man. They didn’t even bother dragging that one out.  Chef Garces not only gets a trip to Japan but is announced the winner of this challenge. Once again Chef Mehta is gnashing his teeth to a fine powder. Alton points out to him that it must just steam his naan to be Indian and have a Mexican kick his ass. But he survives to get the trip to Japan. In the last throw-down between Chefs Mullen and Appleman, Chef Appleman is shown the comically large exit door. He stalks off the Pink Floyd set claiming he is shocked. Really? He had the most non-Indian Indian food. How was that a surprise to him?

So, next week it’s off to Japan!

Kanpai.

Thoughts on the Next Iron Chef 4

Chef Dominique Crenn was warned last week that if she didn’t up her game she would be shown the comically large exit door to the bombastic strains of an Alan Silvestri- inspired Terminator style score. That fact that they chose to repeat this clip in the pre-show teaser is quite a clumsy method of telegraphing and foreshadowing the fact that this is no doubt Chef Crenn’s last episode.

But let’s find out…

Alton Brown strides in to magnanimously explain to the seven remaining chefs that there are only seven chefs remaining, and that kitchen stadium is strangely barren this week. We need to know why, of course, so we turn to the chairman…

Mark whips round all Kung Fu-like to explain to the seven remaining chefs that an Iron Chef must be able to show adaptability and also to tell them that a special ingredient is being flown in all the way from Mexico (a place where, I have been reliably informed by a certain crypto-zoologist, they smoke something called cigar-ee-os), which is why he is standing at an airport.  They – that would be the seven remaining chefs – will need to adapt accordingly to the super special secret ingredient.

So I’m thinking this challenge is about adapting. That’s probably a stretch, but I’m just gonna throw that out there.

That special ingredient is tamarind, to which all the chefs appear crestfallen. With it, they will have to prepare one sweet and one savoury dish to represent Mexican flair. This should be a no-brainer for Chefs Trevino and Garces (being of Mexican descent).  They will have 90 minutes to shop for and cook their meals. Just as in The Next Food Network Star, the seven chefs – because there are only seven of them left – are taken in a non-descript white hostage van to Grand Central Market in L.A. to shop for their Mexican-style ingredients.

In a free-for-all shopping experience, Chef Crenn finishes first, in under 9 minutes, and has the leisure to begin cooking whilst everyone else is busily engrossed with locating their proteins. They’re probably in the aisle with the ribonucleic acids…

The cooking drags on for about 30 minutes with lots of jump cuts and cameras whooshing about. There are dramatic close-ups of things being stirred, beaten, pureed, and otherwise mangled; fried, baked, flipped, frapped, and burnt, exciting and repetitive music played endlessly and with exciting repetition; little talking head shots of the seven remaining chefs explaining how hard it was to cook Mexican food in 90 minutes; and Alton Brown wandering about reminding everyone that they have to use tamarind in both a sweet and a savoury dish each with a Mexican flair – just in case we forgot in all the excitement.

And then, just when you can’t take the adrenalin-packed ferocity of all the activity, Alton Brown suddenly tells everyone – with literally minutes left – that, oh, and by the way, Mr Roboto would like you to make a tamarind-themed cocktail as well. Oops.

In the Judgement Hall, a set built to resemble the stage in the finale of Pink Floyd’s The Wall, Donatella Arpaia, Anya Fernald, and Jeffrey ‘Chuckles’ Steingarten await their culinary delights as Alton Brown explains to them that the test for the seven chefs remaining  was all about adaptability and using tamarind in both a sweet and a savoury dish. Each of these dishes apparently had to have a Mexican flair. I wish he had made these instructions clearer before just now.

Chef Crenn – oddly shown in a clip running through Grand Central Market yelling ‘I’m done, I’m done, I’m done!’ (no, that’s not telegraphing anything) – is first at the chop. She has prepared a tamarind marinated chicken and tortilla soup, which Chuckles feels is more of a puree, a tamarind and blood orange screwdriver, which nobody cares for (and of course Alton won’t bother to explain to them that this idea was tossed into the challenge with only minutes to spare), and a tamarind churro which is, rather unfortunately, undercooked.

Chef Appleman prepared a sopa de albondigas (yeah, sorry, no translation there, baby; I don’t do Spanish) with pecans and tamarind – which seem to go over well – goat cheese with tamarind/pineapple crepas, also a hit, and some parfait drink that looks like Hershey’s syrup and foam.

Chef Freitag created a tamarind-chipotle shrimp and jicama salad which was not a hit, and makes Chuckles Steingarten enquire, ‘Did you shop badly or did you cook badly?’  For a drink she made a bitter margarita and for afters she created an éclair with a filling of tamarind and custard which, not being exactly Mexican, she gets shot down for.

Chef Mehta’s ‘tamarind journey’ (as Alton describes it) presents the judges with tamarind-apple pork with tomatillo and corn, a tamarind ice cream for his sweet dish, and his drink is a chocolate-tamarind shot with orange liqueur.

Chef Garces offers a mole de tamarindo with poblano chicken, a tamarind martini, and a coconut flan with tamarind and caramel.  Chuckles is duly impressed with the ability of Chef Garces to create a mole without tomato, calling it ‘Great.’ Huh. I didn’t think his mouth could form complimentary phrases.

Chef Mullen provides a tamarind marinated shrimp taco and a chunk of Mexican corn served with tamarind butter, a piece of mango with salt and chili sprinkled on it is served on a stick for the sweet dish (how is that using tamarind?), and his drink is an icy tamarind and hibiscus salt ‘granita’ with tequila.

Chef Trevino offers a tamarind coctel of shrimp and huachinango (not to be confused with Teohuanaco), a sake raspberry mojito,  and a chocolate gordita with tamarind and posole.

Chef Mehta comes out as the winner of the challenge, despite a number of caveats from the Judges on the Pink Floyd set, hedging out Chef Appleman by just a hair. Chef Garces comes in third because his flan was overcooked and slightly curdled.  Chef Mullen is chastised for using an under-ripe mango (and no tamarind) for his sweet dish, but is given the nod to move ahead. Chef Trevino survives, although his chocolate gordita wasn’t a crowd-pleaser. Chef Freitag’s survival is played out with an overly dramatic score and some really crap editing to, in theory, heighten the tension and, of course, divert attention from the obvious fact that, as predicted, Chef Crenn is shown the comically large exit door.

Next time is a double elimination for double the excitement.

Right…     

Thoughts on the Next Iron Chef 3

Alton Brown would like to have us (and the Iron Chef Padawans) believe Chairman Mark, when he is hobnobbing in Los Angeles, likes to eat at what Alton says are ‘hole in the walls.’  I am sure he meant to say ‘holes in the wall’ but perhaps that is a topic for a-whole-nother time…

Mr Roboto explains that this time round, the chefs are to seek out tradition – which sadly does not include a musical number by Topol – and that they are to find a means of making that tradition more innovative. As such, they are to be sent out to four Asian ‘hole in the walls’ in the greater metro area of L.A. to learn about Vietnamese, Thai, Korean – did you know that Debbie Lee was Korean? – and Chinese cuisine. Each one of these places feature a classic dish and the chefs will have to replicate that dish (in only ten minutes – even if they have never heard of it), ‘from its broad flavour profiles,’ Alton explains, ‘down to its most subtle nuances.’ Because there are eight remaining chefs, they will be sent in pairs to the four restaurants. One chef from each pair will, obviously, win their challenges and those winners will have an advantage in the next round. Later they will fight to the death wearing only paper hats.

Chef Mullen, who won the last round last week, gets to choose the teams and the places they will go.  Chef Trevino and Chef Farmerie get the Din Tai Fung Dumpling House (China), Chef Garces and Chef Crenn get the Pho Huynh (Vietnam), Chef Mehta and Chef Freitag get Jitlada (Thailand), and Chef Appleman gets to tag along with Chef Mullun to Nak Won (Korea). Alton Brown will get Hot Dog On a Stick (The Galleria).

Jazz Singsanong (seriously, would I make that up?) welcomes Chefs Freitag and Mehta to Jitlada and promptly introduces them to Green Curry with Fish Balls. No, that is not the boy who does the washing up. It is a traditional dish. And Chef Freitag pulls out ahead even though she missed out the onion and cilantro. At Din Tai Fung, Frank Yang shows his juicy pork dumplings to Chefs Trevino and Farmerie. Though it is a close tie, Chef Trevino’s less wrinkly testicle-looking pork dumpling carries the day. At Pho Huynh, Chef Minh and Chukky Don (yes, really) give Chefs Crenn and Garces a taste of their special Beef Pho, but only Chef Crenn is able to pull it off.  And at Nak Won, Young Choi and Sally Wang roll out their Dolsot Bibimbap (which takes longer to write out than it does to cook) for Chefs Appleman and Mullen. Chef Mullen loses because his Dolsot was too salty. And there’s nothing worse than salty Dolsot.

At the Korean Taco Truck for a snack, Alton tells the chefs that their next challenge is to take the complexities and flavours of the four Asian cuisines they’ve just learnt to cook and put them into an American application. Like, for example, a Fish Ball burger and Chicken Fried dumplings.  The ‘winners’ of the last round get five extra minutes to create their dishes and the rest get to stand and watch for five minutes, which they complain about a great deal.  Of course no-one stops to think about the fact that they just made – in ten minutes – a meal they had never created before and that an hour could be considered a luxury. Once again it’s a battle of the over-thinkers.

Once before the judges table, Chef Mullen unveils a Korean-spiced Reuben with fried potatoes and a barley/ginger soda and Chef Appleman dishes out a Korean short rib pot roast with carrots and crispy rice. Donatella Arpaia says the Reuben is the ‘best damn Reuben’ she’s ever had and Jeffrey ‘Giggles’ Steingarten dourly grumbles about Chef Appleman’s lumpy rice.

Chef Trevino offers a classic meatloaf dumpling with hoisin vegetables but the judges say his dumplings were gummy, hard, and ‘like a weapon.’ Chef Farmerie also offers a dumpling – a Pittsburgh-Peking Pierogi with sesame soy gravy – and for a chef whose speciality is pierogis, he doesn’t appear to make a clear distinction between a pierogi and a dumpling. Which is weird because one is obviously a dough filled with a meat of some kind and the other is simply a meat of some kind cooked in some sort of dough.

Chef Crenn prepares a Vietnamese Style American Breakfast with spicy sausage and Vietnamese coleslaw. Yeah. I think about those cold winter months to come and how I always love to start my day with a nice coleslaw. The judges feel that it’s tasty but ‘all over the map.’ Well, she is French after all. She admits she only has a vague concept of what an American breakfast is. But she got the coleslaw right. And that’s what counts. Mmm. A hot bowl of creamy slaw, slathered in rich Vermont maple syrup…

Chef Garces produced a Vietnamese-American-style French Dip sandwich with Pho dipping broth and Jeffrey Steingarten gets it all over his new shirt, blaming it on the fact that Chef Garces left cartilage in the meat, not on his own inability to sufficiently guide food into the large hole between his nose and chin.

Chef Mehta’s  Green Curry ‘Take Away,’ served in plastic containers, is deemed too sweet, and not very good. Donatella says that ‘ his story is often greater than what is represented on the plate.’  In contrast, Chef Freitag makes a Halibut Fish Cake in a green curry sauce which Bubbles Steingarten says wasn’t very original. Donatella leans in and asks, ‘Have you ever had that before? Fish Cake with green curry sauce? In the style of a Maryland crab cake?’ Bubbles pauses and then responds that, well, it’s not a big step from a crab cake to a fish cake. Mm-hm. That’ll teach her.

Chef Mullen edges out Chef Freitag by a hair but they both will go to the next round as does Chef Appleman. Chef Mehta, whose dish no-one liked, is saved only because he had an interesting concept and original packaging. I thought this was about cooking? Chef Garces moves ahead even though Bubbles Steingarten couldn’t figure out how to eat his sandwich like most humans have done since the idea of a sandwich was first conceptualised in the Neolithic and popularised in the Middle Ages.

Chef Trevino travails after offering up a gooey hard weapon-like dumpling, Chef Crenn gets the go-ahead because she’s French and didn’t know any better – but she is given a warning that she’d best step up her game – and Chef Farmerie, the pierogi king, is shown the comically large exit door because he didn’t distinguish enough between a piece of dough filled with meat and meat cooked inside of a piece of dough.

Next time Mr Roboto tells us that the chefs must learn to adapt quickly and someone won’t be the Next Iron Chef.

*Yawn*

Thoughts on The Next Iron Chef 2

This time the chefs are supposed to thrill us with their im-ag-in-ation!

And someone really needs to tell Marc to dial it down. In my theatre days we used to say ‘Let’s pull that back a little bit. Like to Cleveland.’

So the chefs are tasked with ‘Simplicity’ and are told to prepare a meal in essentially one pot or ‘family style,’ as Alton Brown says. For some reason they look almost worried, as if this cannot be done. Funnily enough I, like many people living alone, cook in one pot all the time. Usually it’s Pad Thai, pasta carbonara, Hoppin’ John, Jambalaya, shrimp scampi, or just a  random stir fry. Surely an Iron Chef can make a one-pan meal. Of course the Judges won’t be eating their sample dishes over the sink like many of us who live alone do but, still, this is not an insurmountable task.

After the free-for-all of grabbing their individual cooking devices and raiding ‘the pantry’ they have 45 minutes to create something wonderful. The problem I see right away is that they aren’t all of them cooking in one pot as per the instructions. Some of them are using the ovens or other pots and pans. And they certainly don’t all appear to be going for simplicity because with things like mixed lamb tagine, crispy rice with prawns (a popular breakfast cereal, new from Quaker Oats), Mongolian spicy noodles with skirt steak stew, bouillabaisse, sausage and clam curry, lobster curry and rice, or stuffed swiss chard, we also have Korean stew with squash blossom, pork broth, octopus and quail eggs, and a clam and chorizo paella with garlic and saffron.

Jehangir Mehta won the round with his lobster curry and rice. Because why? Because it was simple. Like the instructions indicated. And he cooked it in one pot.

After another ridiculous woosh! filled intro by Chairman Mark, the next test is all about interpretation of a classic cuisine. Each chef is given an item from either a French, Greek, or Italian menu and one hour to re-imagine the dish. Once finished and standing in judgement, Chef Mehta didn’t seem to fare so well with his Spanakopita but Chef Garces does well with his Minestrone (even Jeffrey Steingarten says he would actually pay for the dish – which is quite a shock). Chef Appleman’s Ratatouille wasn’t a great success, Chef Trevino’s Dolmas gets mixed reviews, Chef Smith’s bouillabaisse is too ‘deconstructed,’ Chef Crenn’s Moussaka is enjoyable, Chef Farmerie’s take on Vitello Tonnato doesn’t wow, Chef Freitag’s Coq Au Vin seems the most popular so far, and Chef Mullen (who did poorly one-pot simplicity test) creates a Pasta Puttanesca which brings a roll of the eyes from Mr Steingarten who of course argues with his fellow judges that ‘fresh and light sometimes stinks.’

This week Donatella Arpaia rather sternly reminds the chefs (and rightly so) that ‘deconstruction’ is not the same thing as ‘re-interpretation.’ Regardless, Chef Mullen, with his deconstruction of Pasta Puttanesca is considered the winner of this particular challenge, Chef Farmerie gets scolded for a plate of largely uninteresting food, and Chef Smith is shown the comically large exit door because she deconstructed her take on bouillabaisse to the point that it didn’t even vaguely resemble bouillabaisse.

Oh I can hardly wait until the next season of The Next Food Network Star. This show is such an incredible snore…  

Thoughts on The Next Iron Chef

I suppose it doesn’t matter, but Hawaiian-born actor Mark Dacascos – the ‘Chairman’  – doesn’t look Japanese. He doesn’t really sound Japanese, though he tries very hard to do. After seeing him in half a dozen episodes of Stargate Atlantis and various other Sci-Fi ‘originals’ such as the repugnant little Hershey squirt  I Am Omega  (also known as I Am a Steaming Lump of Poo That Totally Rips off I Am Legend and The Omega Man and The Last Man On Earth), I find it virtually impossible to take him seriously as a replacement for the Japanese original – his ‘uncle’ – Takeshi Kaga. Even more difficult to take seriously is the completely ridiculous Kung Fu woosh! sounds dubbed in every time Mark makes gestures with his hands or jerks his head about in the over-the-top avian style he and the producers appear to believe makes him seem more Japanese. I’m surprised he doesn’t have the Shobijin accompanying him for further authenticity.

The fact that no-one laughs out loud at the over-wrought theatrical stupidity of Iron Chef America says a lot about how badly they must want to be on television. Or of just how stupid Food Network think viewers are. And, like History Channel’s Cities of The Underworld, the music is incredibly irritating, exasperatingly repetitious and faintly Terminator-like. I understand that the original Iron Chef, which ran in Japan for, oh, I don’t know, 75 years, was all about spectacle – sort of a food-themed Kabuki theatre – but there comes a point, I think, when homage becomes unbearable parody. 

The contestants this year seem an odd lot of professional chefs – Amanda Freitag, Brad Farmerie, Dominique Crenn, Eric Greenspan, Holly Smith, Jehangir Mehta, Jose Garces, Nate Appleman, Robert Trevino, and Seamus Mullen – none of whom, at first blush, appear to have the typical Iron Chef personality. This is not to say that they don’t possess the requisite skills, they simply strike me as reasonable people who have no business being subjected to such humiliation. But then Dark Lord of The Sith Bobby Flay doesn’t appear to have much personality either, not when compared to the gnome-like Mario ‘Oo Me Likes Me Little Wood Shoes’ Batali.

I understand that The Iron Chef should be prepared for any challenge, but when they are given some of the most bizarre or exotic ingredients – grasshoppers, stinky tofu, cock’s comb, horse thingy or pencil shavings – I mean, come on! Cut them a little slack. The judges – Anya Fernald, Donatella Arpaia, and Jeffrey Steingarten – often seem to be almost stoically insensitive to the fact that these people have been asked to work with items completely alien to them, as if sea cucumber is as common to the kitchen pantry as mac & cheese. Yes, the idea, of course, is to challenge them and to push them beyond their comfort zones, but to be so fucking brutal, so thoughtless, in assessing the perceived value of a certain dish borders on personal attack.

The worst of them, in my opinion, is food critic Jeffrey Steingarten, who strikes me as so breathtakingly arrogant that it is just about impossible for me to sit still watching him slurp and burble his way through his relentless savaging of everything placed before him.

Chef Eric Greenspan failed to make the grade this week and was shown the comically large exit door because he was unable to impress the judges, more specifically Jeffrey Steingarten, with his preparation of grasshoppers. Unlike Bear Grylls, the thought of eating a fried, baked, or delicately roasted insect – or possibly one that is pureed into a creamy mousse – makes me want to hurl. I don’t believe that I would ever willingly dine on crunchy Orthoptera and, like Chef Greenspan, don’t believe that this was a fair assessment of his culinary skills. He didn’t get where he is today by cooking bugs, and to toss him out on his ear for not correctly exploring the gastronomic possibilities of Jiminy Croquette is just ridiculous.

It will be vaguely interesting to see how this season will progress…

More Liveblogging The Next Food Network Star 5.7

Still in Miami at the Eden Roc (a renaissance resort and spa!), we go through our usual morning routine of waking up to watch the sun rise over the Atlantic Water and to see Debbie and Melissa curl, blow-dry, spritz/and or mousse their hair. Each of the three remaining Padawans tell us that they are ready to be the next food network star – no matter what – especially Debbie, who confesses to having had what she refers to as a few ‘lapses in judgement’ and what everyone else would call ‘lying through your teeth and being a total self-centred bitch.’

Arriving at Emeril’s Miami Beach restaurant in Miami Beach, our Padawans are quite taken aback, it seems, to discover  Emeril appearing in person at his own restaurant to announce the sordid details of their next food challenge. Did they think someone else – say, Sandra Lee – would have this dubious honour? Maybe Martin Yan or Jet Tila? Are they this surprised when they see Ronald McDonald at McDonald’s? Perhaps, like the rest of us, they thought Emeril had jumped ship for Planet Green or FLN?

With vacuous gazes and painted-on smiles, they listen intently as Emeril explains that one of the major stars who first inspired millions and millions of people all over the world to learn to cook – and who was a personal friend of his – was Julia Child, played by Meryl Streep in the upcoming film Julie & Julia, written and directed by Nora Ephron, critically acclaimed writer of 1989’s Oscar-nominated comedy When Harry Met Sally, directed by Rob Reiner.

What about Graham Kerr, The Galloping Gourmet? Hell, you didn’t even have to go to PBS for that…

So, Emeril tells them, in keeping with the spirit of Julie & Julia, their challenge will be to put their love of food – their passion – on a plate. Oh where’s Eddie when you need him? To allow them to think about their passion for food, the Padawans will get to see an advance screening of the film.

But wait, there’s more…

They will each be creating their own ultimate three course meal at a private dinner party for twenty of the world’s culinary elite. ‘It’s a very, very tough crowd’  Emeril explains to them. They will have three hours to prepare their meals and a budget of $1000 each. And, once they arrive at the kitchen, each will have a sous chef waiting for them. They will have to present each of their dishes to the crowd. ‘But this is not a typical presentation,’ Emeril smiles darkly, his black eyes reflecting the light in an unearthly manner. ‘We’ll expect you to demo some portion of the meal live.’

‘If anything goes wrong,’ Jeffrey confidently tells us from the hidden fortress of the Orange Specimen Room, ‘it could spiral into a gigantic mess.’ This statement is then punctuated by a shot of Debbie, smiling Stepford Wife-like at Emeril.

I sense a disturbance in the Force.

After screening the film, we are whisked away in our white hostage van to a very barn-like Fresh Market where chicken breasts are $2.99 per pound.

Melissa decides to make, for her first course, a potato torte with a ratatouille. Second course will be herbed chicken – yes, even the sale chicken is good for the world’s culinary elite – with a mushroom port sauce. A ‘cheese trio’ with a little bit of salad and a sweet chocolate orange pochette will comprise the third and final course. Unfortunately she does not comprehend that the wheeled, cage-like object with the large horizontal handle in front of her would be an easier method of transporting the mass of items she is clutching in her arms and balancing beneath her chin.

Debbie is not going to take risks (there’s a shock!) but decides that she is just going to show them what ‘Seoul to Soul’ is all about. Huh. Is she Korean or something? I guess I never made that connection. She is going to do a braised short rib (with some odd Korean name) served on a garlic grit cake for her main. Her appetiser is going to be a chili-rubbed barbeque shrimp with a savoury corn salad and her third dish will be an Asian pear eggroll.

Jeffrey realises that with $1000 to spend he has got to keep the food good but still come in under-budget. He plans on making seared scallop with a green chili chutney and a chipotle cream. The second course will be a seafood risotto, and the finale will be a chocolate mousse with biscotti.  He manages, somehow, to accomplish getting the ingredients for this entire three-course meal for twenty people for a grand total of $317.14. He stares at the bill, having a moment which he describes as ‘Wow, aren’t I a savvy shopper – or aren’t I totally screwed!?’

The Padawans are taken to a private home in Miami Beach which they call ‘beautiful’ but which surprisingly looks, to me, very much like an ugly white warehouse, replete with polished concrete floors and a few sticks of furniture. Minimalism can be done tastefully. This resembles an interrogation room. With a sofa.

They peruse the stark wooden table at which the guests will be seated and begin to read off some of the names on the place cards: Pastry Chef Francois Payard, Marcus Samuelsson (‘He’s an artist,’ Debbie beams), Rick Bayless, John Besh, Emeril Lagasse, Dark Lord of the Sith Bobby Flay, Iron Chef Morimoto, Tyler Florence, Anne Burrell, Gina Neely, Patrick Neely, Alex Guarnaschelli from ‘Butter’ restaurant… 

[I’m sorry. Who the hell are ‘The Neely’s’ and when did they rise to the status of world class culinary elite? Sandra Lee’s been on Food Network a damn sight longer than the freakin Neely’s, why wasn’t she invited? What about Alton Brown? Mario Batali? Ming Tsai? Wolfgang Puck? Jacques Pepin? Sarah Moulton? Gordon Ramsay?  Or even my personal favourite Nigella Lawson? Who are the damn Neely’s anyway? Did they have to go through this gruelling process of humiliation to get a seat at this crappy wooden table?]

Anyway… waiting in the kitchen to surprise our Padawans are three finalists who were shown The Bland White Hotel Room Door To Obscurity (the Miami-based replacement for the Brown Door To Nowhere): Michael, here to assist Debbie; Katie, sous chef for Jeffrey; and recently-burnt (and probably still stinging) Jamika is enlisted to assist Melissa.

They all hug.

There is a quick recap of Melissa’s recipe and she explains that she is going to create her potato torte with a butter pastry for one of her starters. She is also going to make a second pastry of ‘a little cream cheese and butter pochette.’ It looks as though she is also filling the pastry with orange marmalade, but she remains silent on the issue. She feels that she is taking a huge risk by making two pastries, given their labour-intensive nature, but if she is ‘going to go down,’ she confides from the OSR, she is ‘going to go down big!’

‘This menu is Debbie on a plate times ten!’ gleams Debbie. Though Michael confesses concern that her Korean short ribs will not be finished in time or tender enough. ‘We actually like to gnaw on our meat a little bit,’ she explains. Mmmmm….

Katie asks Jeffrey what the budget for this little soiree was and he admits to only spending a third of what he was given.  ‘We’ll see if that makes me a hero or an idiot very soon,’ he says.

Speaking of idiotic… Jeffrey prepares his risotto some fifteen to twenty minutes before their cooking time is finished. Now, on the surface, having your dishes all fully prepped and ready is a great idea. However risotto is one of the easiest things to ruin and one of the most-often botched dishes in restaurants. Allowing it to sit for fifteen minutes and through who knows how long until it is his turn to serve could be quite a disaster. Even Debbie, from the safety of the OSR, tells us that she is worried for him, as risotto should be cooked and served immediately.

Meanwhile, Jamika is busy over-salting Melissa’s orzo to the point of inedibility. As luck would have it, Melissa had to cook the orzo in two containers so she will mix the two together in the hopes that the saltiness will dissipate. And now Melissa, who has not checked to see if the ovens were up to temperature, is only just discovering that, with six minutes remaining, her torte – one of two pastries – is nowhere near cooked.

In a cunning move to salvage the potato torte, Melissa decides to swap her menu round to allow the torte more cooking time. Therefore she will serve the orzo with the ratatouille and the torte with the chicken.

Meanwhile, the culinary elite, and the Neely’s, pour into the stadium-sized warehouse and seat themselves at the stark wooden table, all smiles and pomp at the savagery they will presumably be dishing out.

Melissa is first out of the gate and shares a deeply personal story about how even though she might fail at this exorcise, she will be failing at the right thing and for the right reasons – not just because she wants a job. Some of the women at the table are misty-eyed, for all the right reasons. Even Lord Flay is taken aback. ‘You seem,’ he tells her, ‘completely different to me today.’ She explains that she is not the harried housewife that she is often perceived to be and that she realises that she has been allowing the fact that she is not a trained chef to get in the way of her success – but not any more.

When it comes to her dishes being served, the ratatouille and orzo go over very well; the chicken, though it is a little dry, gets the nod of approval as does the potato torte (which, fortunately, cooked up just right) and the cream cheese pochette gets raves. So obviously the Indian guy did not get raw dough from Melissa as we were lead to believe in the teaser trailer last week. But I think I know who it’s going to be…

Debbie comes flying out of the back room with her arms flailing above her head as if her team has just won a championship or as though she is being chased by a swarm of angry bees. There are some looks of ‘What the hell?’ from the stark wooden table. Her first course – the shrimp and savoury corn salad – is seen by most of the elite as being safe and more Southwestern in style and not a terribly successful Korean/Southern fusion. The reviews are mixed about her Korean short ribs: deemed tough and bland by some and perfectly acceptable by others. Gina Neely thinks the ribs are missing something. Probably a world-class culinary judge.

Her demo goes over quite well, but the Indian guy points out that her dessert was very nice except for the part where the dough was raw. He unfolds the eggroll to show her what he means. Debbie looks sad.

Jeffrey is the last out of the kitchen, approaching the stark wooden table with a smile. He begins by telling his personal story and doing a demo for his seared scallops and green chili chutney – a demo and dish which Tyler Florence describes as ‘flawless’ and about as perfect as it gets. Unfortunately his risotto is considered an insult to Italian cooking and one of the worst things the gathered elite have ever eaten. Out of the blue, Lord Flay asks how much Jeffrey spent from the $1000 he was given. He says $370 (which it wasn’t) and, in response, Lord Flay appears as if he’s just been told there has been an Ewok uprising on Endor. From the sanctuary of the OSR, Jeffrey confesses to ‘feeling that sense of crash and burn approaching.’ But in a grand moment of redemption, his biscotti and chocolate mousse garner enormous praise.

The elitists discuss their feelings about the food they have been served and about the Padawans themselves, and Lord Flay thanks them for their opinions and tells them that the Jedi Council will take their suggestions under advisement.

After what seems to be a four hour advertising break we are finally taken to the inner sanctum of the Jedi Council chambers for the evaluation. Susie Fogelson recaps the previous 45 minutes for the attentive impaired and Bob T follows up by explaining that someone must go home and that, next week, one of the remaining two will win their own show on Food Network.

That would be a cool premise for a show…

Melissa is praised by Bob T for creating not one but two pastries which absolutely blew away one of the world’s best pastry chefs – Francois Payard – and for having a captivating personal story and a personality which continues to surprise them all week after week. Lord Flay tones down the praise and says that he wishes Melissa would have given more in her demonstration portion. He confesses to frustration because he knows that she has it in her to be amazing. Bob T concurs, saying that there is a diamond in there if she could only peel away the nerves.

Jeffrey is praised for his humour, his charm, his charisma, his authority, his ease before the camera, and for having great culinary skills. His risotto is the loadstone round his neck, however, as is the fact that he only spent a third of his budget. He defends himself, saying that it’s not about the money it’s about what you do with what you have. Bob T feels that there might be a seat on the Jedi Council for Jeffrey next year if only he also showed a sense of Amy Winehouse unpredictability that would make him a star.

Turning to Debbie, Lord Flay tells her that she seemed comfortable and confident but her food, as Bob T defines it, was a ‘mixed bag’ which didn’t seem to hold much flavour and didn’t present her ‘Seoul to Soul’ idea terribly well.

That said, the Padawans are asked to plead their individual cases one last time. Melissa says that she has no problem showing her faults so that they can be worked out and honed into a successful television programme. She feels that she will have instant credibility to the working mother and that she can ‘cook with the best of them.’ This last is played to her peers on her left.

Debbie says that she is human (which will comes as fortunate and comforting news to the potential home viewer) and that she is ‘the emotional person that can find the enjoyment out of my life and who I am and what I’ve come to love as America.’ She feels that she fully understand the whole population and that they – we – in turn will want to study her as well.

What?

Jeffrey feels that the only requirement to watch him is that you love food – cooking it or eating it – and that he will be a winning member of the team and will not stop until that happens.

The Padawans are then sent back to their hotel room whilst the Jedi Council discuss their fates.

Each of the council members share an enthusiasm for Melissa as a ‘wild card’ who just does not stop surprising them and who turns out amazing food. Jeffrey and Debbie are considered strong, but it is clear that Jeffrey is coming out ahead between Bob T and Susie. They feel that the viewers would be drawn to him and that he knows his food (just maybe not risotto). Lord Flay feels that Jeffrey is polished but that he needs to go beyond his comfort zone and show more range. Debbie, Susie explains, has been consistently great before the camera and has fascinating stories. Bob T says that she is ‘camera ready’ but Lord Flay, always the voice of dissent, feels that Debbie has been flying under the radar and doing what it takes to be good and not get eliminated.

This is a hard choice and the Padawans are asked to return to the Council chambers for the judgement. Lord Flay tells them that this decision was not easy because each of the final three has really grown and shown that they are capable of doing amazing things but, in the end, Melissa is told that she will continue to the final round. Her eyes are as large as dinner plates at this.

Bob T tells Debbie and Jeffrey that it was unbelievably hard to come to a decision. Susie says that she would enjoy working with either one of them because they are both so unique. So she announces to Debbie that Jeffrey will be staying for the final round.

To the gentle sounds of a Fender Rhodes and light jazz drums, Susie tells Debbie how sorry she is. Debbie says that she has had quite a journey here and that the Jedi Council have been a big part of it. Which actually says nothing at all just like her plea about being human. She feels, she tells us from the solitude of the OSR, that she can walk away proud and happy with what she has achieved as she trods, weeping, to The Bland White Hotel Room Door To Obscurity.

Next week, Professor Alton Brown tells Jeffrey and Melissa that they will be starring in a pilot presentation of their very own cooking shows; Jeffrey feels the pressure is on; cameras and people will be everywhere; Melissa is looking at the wrong camera; Alton will have to tell Jeffrey that the yellow roundish things on the sandwich he is preparing are tomatoes, not onions; and Lord Flay tells us that the person who will be crowned the Next Food Network Star is…

Still Virtually Liveblogging The Next Food Network Star 5.6

In a surprising twist, Helena was not the audience’s least favourite this week, leaving Abi and Aoife to face each other in the final—oh… wrong show…  

Still in Miami, it is apparent that Debbie’s less than attractive side is blatantly obvious when she first wakes up and is doing up her hair.  I thought she was trying out for Phantom of the Opera for a moment. But she promises to ‘blow them away’ this week. I presume this means ‘to astound them with my skills.’ Or else this is going to be a very different show.

The Padawans spill out on to the pool patio at the Eden Roc hotel to meet Iron Chef and one-time Dinner: Impossible host Michael Symon who tells them that in just a few short hours they will all be demonstrating their food on a live Miami morning TV programme called southflorida.com LIVE, something for which they will need their ‘A game,’ and then he tells them to leave.

That was brief.

Meanwhile… on the set of southflorida.comLIVE, the host (whose name flits past in a reasonably unimportant blur) lets us in on a little secret: the cooking demo is rigged to have things go wrong. Bob T, Susie ‘Chuckles’ Fogelson, and Michael Symon are in a hidden chamber giggling like children at their awesomeness. Dark Lord Flay cannot join in the frivolity, as exhibiting joy is strictly enforced by the Sith code and may only be used in conjunction with torturing someone until they see the true nature of The Dark Side or just kicking the shit out of Ewoks. Simple schadenfreude can be had at any time.

Our nameless host assures us that  ‘it’s gonna be crazy, it’s gonna be spontaneous, totally absurd and awkward – and a whole lotta fun!’

Woo! Yeah! So let’s begin!

Out comes Debbie for her live 4-minute demo of her signature dish – crispy catfish with… yeah, whatever; something on the side that looks disgusting. Hilariously, her fish has been replaced by chicken and she has been provided almost no utensils to work with. To the chagrin of the Jedi Council, she sails through without missing a beat. That was crazy!

Melissa is next, making a tapenade caviar with potatoes (oh gods, there’s that sound again, sorry!) and Nameless Host is set to interrupt her and be a relentless dick and totally fuck with her recipe. That was so spontaneous!

Jeffrey’s demo of gorgonzola cheese, arugula and caramelised pear grilled cheese sammich – (Jesus! Was that me!?) – is rigged with ‘technical difficulties’ which throw him off his pace and he is forced to work with a handheld microphone and still try to cook! That’s absurd!

Jamika’s herb-roasted chicken breast – whatever that is – is fouled (yeah, that’s right, I went there) with incorrect time-cues at the camera getting too close. She thinks the crew are idiots and does not look like she’s having a good time. Awk-waaaard! 

It’s all in good fun, though, and when the Jedi Council gather the Padawans together, Susie tells Jeffrey that she laughed hardest at how bad he sucked, whilst Bob T tells Jamika that she was like sunshine – until the cameras came on, and then she didn’t have the ‘fun brightness’ they were expecting her to have. And he tells Melissa that she’s too stressed and frenetic under stress. Chef Symon tells them that you never want to show how perturbed you are, even when everything is sabotaged, and be more like Debbie who totally won this round.

Wow. That was a whole lotta fun.

And at the next challenge, as the Padawans once again gather pool-side at the Eden Roc, Chef Symon is there – again – wringing his hands and grinning with anticipation of totally fucking up their day. Joining them on the patio is Senior Executive Chef at Red Lobster, Michael LaDuke who tells them that the winner of… yeah, you know…

The Padawans all look at each other in what is by now feigned and insincere surprise.

So the aptly titled Wood Fire Grill Challenge begins with each Padawan being given a cooking station where they must prepare, in forty-five minutes, some pairing of fresh fish with crustaceans or shellfish to win the coveted spot on the Red Lobster menus of America. They are to highlight the freshness of the product, the flavour of the wood fire grill and their own culinary expertise.

Everything must be prepared on the grill – something Jeffrey knows nothing about, he tells us from the secrecy of the OSR. As the winner of the previous challenge, little Debbie gets to choose her fish first.

And off they go!

In the background, the Jedi Council arrive. Lord Flay joins them, dressed in what appears to be white linen trousers and a Sith-approved ‘Blood of the Screaming Ewok Pink’ tropical shirt.

Debbie chooses tilapia, something she says is very reminiscent of the type of fish used in Korean cooking. Huh. Is she Korean? I guess I haven’t been paying close attention. Melissa goes for the arctic char and will make a ‘citrus duo’ of orange for the scallops (which have appeared as if by magic) and lime for the fish. Jamika trends for the tropical with mahi-mahi and shrimp which she will cook with pineapple and peppers to compliment some Pina Colada  rice. Jeffrey decides he is going to ‘blow Bobby’s mouth away’ with the flavours of chilis, shallots, lime and cilantro to compliment his choice of  barramundi and some shrimp and scallops on the side.

And then it all comes to a halt. Lord Flay, sporting a straw tear-drop fedora as if he’s Frank Sinatra about to have some mug bumped off, decides to switch things round and takes away Jeffrey’s South-of-the-Border ingredients and replaces them with Asian-themed ingredients instead. Jamika has her pineapple taken away in favour of a couple of giant celery roots. Melissa’s ‘citrus duo’ quickly disappears as Lord Flay has them replaced with a bowl of habanero peppers. Debbie’s Asian ingredients are switched with those from the Mediterranean and – somewhere during this little exercise – Lord Flay’s sporty fedora has suddenly disappeared in favour of a pair of Blues Brothers Wayfarers.

As the Padawans struggle and squirm, the Jedi Council are, as Jamika points out, ‘sittin under umbrellas, sippin mojitos.’ Debbie has managed to fairly quickly adapt to her new set of ingredients, and so has Melissa (though Lord Flay does not believe she understands the true nature of the habanero), but the the others seem just a bit lost. Jamika is clearly upset and as she snidely thanks Michael Symon for the celery root, Bob T looks disappointed. He asks her how she’s doing, noting what he calls her ‘focus face,’ and she tells him that she’s pissed and doesn’t know where she’s going with her dish. Most likely it will be through the Brown Door To Nowhere if the ‘focus faces’ of the Jedi Council are accurate. Then, 39 minutes after she was given the celery root, Jamika finally tastes it – and discovers that she now loves it. Unfortunately there are  only five minutes remaining in the challenge for her to cook her dish.

In the judging segment, Debbie, it is discovered, didn’t use the capers (one of only three ingredients) she was given. ‘Oh. My bad.’ she says to a stoic Lord Flay. Her dish, it is decided, does not have a defining characteristic and lacks the briny saltiness so evocative of Mediterranean cuisine. Melissa pulls off a surprising upset with her dish and Lord Flay and Michael Symon are both stunned by the flavours of her offering. Jeffrey’s has also managed to create a well-considered dish which is well received. Jamika has not brought enough of her Jamaican flair to her dish. Well why would she? Everyone else had their key ingredient whisked away, so why would they expect her dish to have any signature flavour? Seems pretty stupid to have such an expectation of only one of the competitors. She is also pounded for showing an attitude and for having something of a chip on her shoulder throughout the challenge.

As we move to the calming blue and brown of the Jedi Council Chambers for the evaluation, Bob T explains that in approximately two weeks, someone will be set to begin taping their own show. But who will that be?

Will it be Jeffrey? He claims to embrace the concept of ‘Cooking Without Borders,’ a way of creating a culinary melting pot, though Lord Flay tells him that, despite his claim, he continues to focus on Mexican-style flavours and ideas. His Zen quality – an admirable trait – can often give, as Bob T says, ‘a vanilla performance’ because he lacks the unpredictability of a star. Perhaps he could shoot heroin and down a bottle of whiskey to loosen up.

Will it be Jamika? She is told she ‘shut down’ during this competition and offered food with little flavour and that it’s ‘cuckoo’ to Susie that Jamika can’t just keep on smiling through the day.

Will it be Melissa? She is scaring the hell out of Lord Flay – ‘in a good way,’ he says – because she has truly blossomed into someone who could possibly stand shoulder to shoulder with others on the Food Network, if she could just tone down the frenetic side.

Will it be Debbie? She ‘handled adversity very well,’ says Chef Symon, but her inability to have any sort of accountability for her actions, as seen in previous challenges and with ‘forgetting’ the capers in her Mediterranean dish, will be her undoing. Debbie cries and says this is hurtful. *yawn*

It could be Jeffrey. His dish will go on the Red Lobster menu and he is, therefore, safe to move to the next round. It could be one of the other three, but the Jedi Council need to discuss the matter after hearing each of the women plead their case. Lord Flay says it will come down to ‘one or two little things.’ Jamika has the potential to be the biggest star of the group but she fails to ‘bring it.’ Michael ‘brought it’ and look where he is. Melissa keeps ‘dialling it up’ each week and is always pleasantly surprising the Council. Debbie, says Chef Symon, is on solid ground and they all agree that she has risen to the challenges better than some people currently on the Food Network, but Bob T feels that she has been coasting and not giving 100%, to which Lord Flay nods in agreement.

And, in the end, joining others who ‘brought it,’ Jamika is shown the now far distant Brown Door To Nowhere and will apparently be asked to walk home from Miami.

Next week, Melissa says ‘Bon Appétit!’ whilst serving raw dough to some Indian guy, Jeffrey will find that it was painful to have his name on that dish, Melissa considers that maybe what she has isn’t enough and, as Lord Flay finds a certain amount of frustration with (presumably) Debbie, Debbie will look sad.

Can you hold out an entire week?