Amidst the swirling smoke, flashing multi-coloured lights, and a non-stop thunderous rendition of the Man v Wild theme, Chefs Liz and Geoffrey approach each other from the exit ramps of their opposing alien spacecraft to face off in an episode conveniently and uninterestingly entitled Finale which, thankfully, makes this the last episode of this series until the next series. Alton Brown, incongruously wearing modern clothes, explains without even a trace of laughter that ‘this majestic palace’ in which the two remaining chefs (whom he so brilliantly enumerated for us just the week before) have landed is ‘Kitchen Stadium: hallowed ground, home to the legendary I-ron Chefs and the Bog of Eternal Stench.’
Because we are so very near the holidays, there is a clear theme of gifts involved and Alton goes on to explain that Chairman Mark has but ‘one gift to give’ and will ‘bestow the ultimate present’ which, rather unfortunately, is not his absence. Instead, it will be ‘the honour of being the Next I-ron Chef.’ The other thematic dead horse Alton is beating is ‘Pressure’ – the nature of the Chairman’s Challenge – and he assures us that Chef Geoffrey and Chef Liz are feeling this pressure because of the presence of ‘three highly critical judges who are very familiar with each of the finalists,’ the same three highly critical judges who have been on every episode so far. More pressure is added, we are told, because the judges will be joined by ‘two veteran I-ron Chefs,’ Dark Lord of The Sith, Bobby Flay, and Masaharu Morimoto ‘who will also taste and judge the precedings.’
Firstly, I believe Alton had probably meant to use the word ‘proceedings,’ because to say ‘preceding’ indicates a past event whereas ‘proceeding’ is a course of action or an event taking place in the present. Secondly, as it is a noun and, in this particular case, really something more of an abstract idea than a tangible, physical object, tasting a proceeding would seem to be fraught with some difficulty.
And to compound the assured pressure, seven of the eight previously eliminated Ironites (Chef Robert is evidently off doing impossible things with restaurants) will be seated in a small decorative box to witness, as Alton says, ‘their every move.’ The every move of Chefs Geoffrey and Liz, not the ‘two veteran I-ron Chefs’ attempting to taste and judge an abstraction. From the Stainless Steel Cookware Showroom, Chef Alex informs us ‘that kind of pressure is crazy.’
Also crazy is Chairman Mark who, with the ridiculous assistance of dubbed in Kung Fu whoosh noises to reinforce the even more ridiculous notion that he is somehow Japanese and thus related to the late Chairman Takeshi Kaga (who ‘died’ from fugu poisoning), introduces the ‘secret ingredients’ from which the two remaining chefs will have to ‘create the ultimate holiday meal:’ standing beef rib roast, salt cod, ‘hard American squash,’ parsnips, Brussels sprouts, clementine oranges and unfiltered apple cider. He then further elucidates, as though it was somehow unclear the first time, that the chefs will have 60 minutes to create ‘three holiday-themed dishes with these festive ingredients.’ And who doesn’t equate hard American squash with festive things?
It is incredibly fortuitous that Alton Brown is standing by to expand on these quite difficult concepts. ‘The chefs must make three holiday dishes,’ he advises us from behind his dual computer monitors. ‘Now the, uh, clock is ticking on one hour to decide who will be The Next I-ron Chef. The pressure is on.’
Chef Liz has adopted the strategy of making a ‘great dinner for the holidays’ and Chef Geoffrey has the idea of trying something ‘modern’ as he feels ‘this is a very modern Christmas.’ Unfortunately only fifteen minutes into cooking, Chairman Mark decides to throw in one of many ‘surprises’ (as a means of increasing the sense of ‘pressure’) and insists that the two competitors utilise cranberries to ‘create a cranberry dish.’ He also allows them to pick one of the previously-eliminated Ironites, currently off in a box witnessing their ‘every move,’ to assist them with the apparently unrealistic expectation of making a cranberry dish from cranberries. This ‘extra set of hands’ will work with each of the chefs for only 15 minutes.
Rather than choosing Chef Anne – who had worked as a sous chef for I-ron Chef Mario Batali and was Co-Winner (with Chef Michael Symon) of Iron Chef America series 9, Battle Deep Freeze – they choose Chef Alex because she sits next to Chef Geoffrey on Chopped and is ‘a real specialist’ who knows his taste. And, because everything has abruptly gone off the rails, Alton Brown steps in to clarify for us that ‘only one of these two Super Chefs will be crowned The Next I-ron Chef’ and that they ‘must make three dishes’ with the ‘scrumptious holiday ingredients’ they have been given and that, as such, ‘they are under a lot of pressure.’ Sadly he does not specify the amount of time they will have for this seemingly insurmountable task, though he does take a moment to remind us that Chairman Mark has increased the pressure by offering up ‘plenty of surprises’ such as having them create a cranberry dish from cranberries – making it four dishes they will have to devise – and allowing the two remaining chefs to ‘hand pick’ Chef Alex as a temporary sous chef.
Roughly 15 minutes later, at the 30 minute point, Chairman Mark compounds the pressure yet again by adding in another surprise element in the form of ice cream makers. He demands that the chefs ‘create a fantastic frozen concoction’ with them because he is now confused and believes that he is Ron Ben-Israel only without a comically large candy apple red button to press to see who will become the Next Sweet Genius. Like a fresh breath of sanity, however, Alton snaps us back to reality and explains dramatically that in this ‘palace of pressure’ we find the two remaining chefs ‘cooking a life-changing holiday meal’ and eventually one of them will become The Next I-ron Chef. It is also helpful that he has included a brief refresher on how Chairman Mark added a ‘surprise’ twist of wanting the chefs to make a cranberry dish from cranberries, how they got to ‘hand pick’ Chef Alex as a temporary sous chef for 15 minutes, and finally how they were just asked to use ice cream makers to ‘create a fantastic frozen concoction’ because not only are the attention spans of the chefs in question but clearly that of the home viewer may have been compromised as well amidst all the confusion.
But the confusion only gets worse: Chef Alex is asked to chop some things for Chef Liz; Chef Geoffrey asks Chef Liz if it only takes 8 minutes for the ice cream maker to ‘create a fantastic frozen concoction;’ I-ron Chef Morimoto may have said that something is a ‘good hello’ or a ‘Loharo’ – though what Pakistan has to do with anything only makes matters worse – and, with less than 15 minutes remaining in the challenge, Chairman Mark adds another ‘surprise.’ This time it is a display of martini glasses and Alton Brown shouts out that they are ‘martini glasses!’ on the outside chance no-one was looking at the giant display of martini glasses filling the television screen at a dramatic angle. Chairman Mark announces that he wants the two remaining chefs to ‘create a special holiday treat that fills this glass,’ though he offers no advice on how the two chefs are to share just the one glass, and Chef Liz realises that with less than fifteen minutes left she has ‘gotta think of something fast.’
Thinking equally fast amidst the flurry of no-one suddenly doing anything, Alton swoops in to explain that ‘This is the Next I-ron Chef finale between Chefs Geoffrey Zakarian and Elizabeth Falkner. The Chairman’s Challenge is designed to see who can hold up under the pressure of cooking it out in Kitchen Stadium.’ He tells us that the ‘ingredients provided are all about putting together the ultimate holiday meal’ and that ‘The Chairman has thrown his third monkey wrench into the gears of Kitchen Stadium. Now it started off with cranberries, and the second gift –’ the very idea of which causes him to laugh maniacally ‘ – the ice cream machine! And now his latest present? Martini glasses!’
After this he is wrestled to the ground and sedated.
After what feels an eternity, the hour is finally over and the two remaining chefs get to present their dishes. Chef Liz offers, in the martini glass, a ‘Christmas in California’ cocktail of gin, Cointreau, clementine and lemon juice and pairs this with her salt cod brandade fritters and black garlic aioli, the latter of which was too powerful for Judge Simon who makes the Mr Yuk face. Dark Lord Flay claims to have liked everything on the plate yet dismisses it as lacking ‘cohesiveness together,’ proving his inability to grasp the general definition of ‘cohesion’ whilst he haughtily sips his cocktail. Her second dish, a winter squash agnolotti with Brussels sprout leaves, brown butter cider sauce and a purée of Brussels sprouts and goat cheese is mostly praised, though Judge Michael would have preferred the pasta to be thinner because they have to fill the air time with something other than Morimoto eating with his fingers. As the triumphant music of Return of the King blares away to seemingly indicate her great moment of redemption, Chef Liz introduces her third dish, Beef Wellington, and it is a hit amongst the panel – especially with Morimoto who is seen shovelling a large portion of it his mouth in one enormous bite.
When she presents her cranberry sorbet and frisée and fennel salad with a gelée of kaffir lime, tarragon and mint, Judge Michael has flashbacks of bad jello salad from the 70s, Judge Judy thought it was a ‘weird dish’ but she loved it, Judge Simon was too busy eating to respond, and Morimoto said something Chef Liz clearly did not comprehend in the slightest but at which she nodded indifferently. And finally her dessert is a candy cane chocolate cake over which everyone appears to gush. Judge Judy slowly takes it into her mouth, caressing it gently with her tongue, and slips the soon spent fork from between her soft smiling lips, her post-foodgasm eyes heavy with lust as she gazes upon Chef Liz. And lastly, Morimoto says something else Chef Liz doesn’t fully understand and she thanks him with another perfunctory nod as if he’d just told her that Guy Fieri’s jagged, unruly hairstyle looks quite masculine on her.
Chef Geoffrey offers a starter course of cranberry risotto with sake and sweet and sour strawberries – an unexpected and yet entirely successful dish – and probably ought to have won the the title of Next I-ron Chef straight away for explaining that he filled the required martini glass with a blend of clementine and ginger juice, St-Germain, and rum and called it a ‘Mad Man Cosmopolitan’ in honour of Chairman Mark. The cocktail was paired with tapas-style crispy and creamy Brussels sprouts with apples, mustard, and an apple cider and ginger reduction which both Judges Simon and Judy loved. Judge I-ron Chef Morimoto, however, said something about protein at which Chef Geoffrey nodded his lack of comprehension. His next course, a bisque of parsnip and cardamom with a frittata style sausage stuffing has Lord Flay and Judge Michael vying for Most Gratuitous Grovelling by an I-ron Chef. Unfortunately Chef Geoffrey seems to falter a bit in the gift-giving segment in his ‘modern luxury Christmas’ as his crown roast beef with three gifts – that is, a series of little squares of meat and veg all tied up with chives to resemble presents – becomes his most divisive dish. In the view of Judge Simon the beef was tough and the dish was ‘overwhelmed’ by flavour. Judge Judy disagrees completely and I-ron Chef Morimoto nods. The final plate, dessert, is a buttermilk frozen custard with peppermint snow which finds Lord Flay touching his lips in a thoughtful manner to enquire ‘Is it pot du crème?’ Chef Geoffrey admits that it had been intended as such until Chairman Mark threw the ice cream machine at him and forced his hand. Bizarrely, a spot of dairy appears to allow I-ron Chef Morimoto to announce clearly, ‘I love it!’
A more subdued Alton Brown, still shaking off the tranquilisers, then proffers a debate over which of the two remaining chefs has the ability to become The Next I-ron Chef. Judge Simon feels Chef Liz started slowly and built to a rich and satisfying climax for Judge Judy, whereas Chef Geoffrey began quite strongly and finished by ‘coasting,’ a sentiment with which Lord Flay takes some issue. ‘That’s the kind of food he cooks,’ he counters quickly. ‘It’s simple, it’s elegant, it’s modern, it’s luxury.’ Chef Geoffrey may have had the better meal, he suggests, but Chef Liz illustrated a broader range. Behind Lord Flay, I-ron Chef Morimoto smells his hand.
There seems a general consensus that Chef Geoffrey’s presentation was the strongest and that he is clearly ‘a master technician’ and ‘at the peak of his greatness.’ Chef Liz offers perhaps a more creative edge due to her pastry background but is said to be ‘scratching the surface of where she’s gonna end up’ and Judge Judy appears to feel quite strongly that Chef Liz ‘came into herself and blossomed.’ Alton does not recall ‘ever having it this tough’ because the first three series of this show have been over for some time and it’s likely he has never watched them again. He then instructs the Judges and gathered I-ron Chefs to ‘write the name of The Next I-ron Chef’ on a small foldy bit of glossy paper with the Next I-ron Chef logo on them and hand them in.
When they do so, Alton steps to the head of the table and dramatically turns on his heel to face them and announce ‘The die is cast.’ I’m certain that this phrase had far more profound impact when Julius Caesar first said it as ‘Alea iacta est’ just prior to crossing the Rubicon. Here is just sounds platitudinous and trivial.
And after five minutes of advertising, including the preview for the unbelievably pathetic-looking Rachael vs Guy: Celebrity Cook-Off beginning in January because Food Network is now helplessly scraping the bottom of an embarrassingly shallow barrel for programming, Alton announces that ‘the ballots have been tallied,’ which must have proved a staggering ordeal considering someone had to somehow tabulate all five of them. Chairman Mark then takes the stage to the heavily discharging brass and percussion sounds implacably bashing away to blather on fairly stupidly about ‘a variety of pressure-filled culinary cauldrons’ and some other nonsense I didn’t listen to before sweeping aside with a whooshy Kung Fu sound to finally reveal that the Next I-ron Chef is…
Chef Geoffrey.
Alton Brown then feels compelled to close the programme with the words of English novelist Norman Douglas which some anonymous intern found for him.
Snore.
