Misanthropaea

Theoretically Liveblogging The Next Food Network Star v 7.8

Seems quiet in the palatial mountain stronghold without Paul Stanley and Big Chris banging about or getting in the way whilst everyone packs for their big trip to New York City without them because they were shown to the Plain Brown Closet Door To Nowhere last week.  And because Jyll is the clear focus of attention throughout the ‘Previously on Food Network Star’ segment and because Cold Steel Whitney feels that she hasn’t ‘bounced back’ from the humiliation of having Emperor Puck show her how to make a nice meatless risotto, I am going to predict, here at the start, that Jyll will be going home.

With ‘no more pretenders left,’ Jeff says happily from the BNR, echoing Lord Flay’s line from the first episode, there are ‘only contenders’ remaining. As the final six look out over the yellow haze of another dreamy California morning from the balcony of their stronghold, Cold Steel Whitney, in a completely realistic, perfectly normal and totally non-scripted fashion winces her best Clint Eastwood wince at the courtyard below them, where the Black Ops SUVs await, and says, ‘Let’s do this, guys.’

‘This,’ of course is jetting away to New York City without Paul Stanley or Big Chris, a contention validated by Jeff, his voice used over an image of an airplane to solidify the point, who says, ‘New York, here we come!’ As a side note, I wonder if anyone has ever thought of using a modified version of the words ‘Here we come’ over and over and over again in some really annoying piece of music?

In a mere jump cut, the Padawans arrive in Manhattan at the Flatotel where, only just a year ago, Emily Henderson had been just prior to being crowned as the next HGTV Design Star, beating out Michael with her quirky delivery and her innovative twist on decorating a room for former cast-mate, Tom. Secrets From a Stylist, Saturdays at 9, on HGTV.

Hmm… Where was I?

Oh. Right. Vic explains to us that he is originally from New York and that, because his family lives here, he is feeling more confident than ever. ‘Mamma,’ he cries out from the seclusion of the BNR, ‘your boy is home!’

After five seconds of relaxation at the Flatotel, the Padawans are hurried off to the Chelsea Market, home of the famous Food Network, where they wait in the famous Food Network Kitchen, touching and gazing and Oo-ing and Ah-ing. From the depths of a side room, Dark Lord of the Sith, Bobby Flay, stalks into the room and announces menacingly, ‘Alright, you guys are in my house now!’ which seems a fairly arrogant thing and something I’m sure Bob Tuschman and Mister Ed stand-in Brooke Johnson might have something to say about. He welcomes them to New York, stretching out the words as if he were taking a wild stab in the dark as to where they are because he is somehow uncertain, and adds that it is ‘the culinary capital of the world,’ a contention with which I believe a little place called Paris might tend to take issue as New York ranked number six on a recent list of culinary capitals.

Lord Flay quickly introduces the Padawans to ‘very very special guest,’ the Barefoot Contessa, Ina Garten, and Cold Steel Whitney bursts into tears. ‘That’s very sweet,’ laughs Ina, seeming uncomfortable outside The Hamptons and having to interact with the bourgeoisie. Because ‘the latest food craze’ indicates that ‘good things come in small packages,’ Lord Flay explains, with the exception of Ewoks, the Padawans are charged with making ‘You… in a cupcake.’ But not just any cupcake. ‘This is an iconic Barefoot Contessa recipe,’ Ina Garten proudly pats herself on the back regarding the coconut and almond creation before her, slurring as if she had needed a bracing shot of whisky before addressing the Padawans. ‘But you,’ she points at them, ‘have to make a cupcake that’s gonna be you. It can be outrageous, it can be fun, but it has to taste fabulous.’

‘You’ll have one minute,’ adds Lord Flay, ‘to present to the camera—’ (he means, of course ‘to camera’) ‘—and tell us how this cupcake represents who you are.’ No time frame appears to be alluded to in which this Herculean task must be accomplished, but the Padawans hurriedly scamper off to make their delicacies because they will probably need to rest again soon.

Susie makes a corn cupcake with a duck confit slaw and metallic sprinkles topping which, though tasty, lacks the ‘elegancey’ she had hoped for, though her presentation was spot on. Mary Beth, who ‘would rather chew glass than give Ina Garten a bad cupcake,’ has a presentation which was, according to the Contessa, ‘stunning’ and a roasted strawberry cupcake to match. Vic’s tartufo style cupcake is, in fact, made with panchetta and basil. Because bacon is a great substitute for ice cream. Though it was an ‘intriguing’ idea, in the mind of Bob Tuschman, all he could taste was ‘heavy chocolate.’

Cold Steel Whitney makes a coconut almond cupcake just like Ina Garten’s iconic coconut and almond cupcake because Ina Garten is one of her inspirations and she wants to impress her. Thankfully, the ‘presentation was lovely,’ beams Ina Garten, and the cupcake was ‘moist and delicious.’ On the downside, Bob T still has lingering fears that Cold Steel Whitney lacks the Star Power to ‘make a huge nation want to listen’ to her.  Jyll’s chocolate and orange cupcake is, in the view of Ina Garten, ‘well executed’ and ‘perfectly balanced between chocolate and orange’ and surprises Lord Flay by being ‘two flavours and lots of impact.’ One again, however, the so-called ‘artificiality’ of Jyll is called into question. Have any of the Jedi Council ever watched Darth Giada or Rachael Ray or Melissa D’Arabian? Lastly, Jeff’s ‘shmorgasbord of Italian meats and cheeses’ is represented in an Italian sub cupcake with five meats and a cantaloupe and ricotta frosting with parmesan cheese. ‘What’s better than five meats in a cupcake?’ he asks. And the answer is white chocolate mocha cheesecake filling with a raspberry icing. ‘Am I right,’ queries Ina Garten, ‘that you prefer to cook rather than bake?’

‘Aw… yes,’ says Jeff in his best John Wayne.

‘Yeah,’ responds Ina. ‘I think that shows here.’

After Jeff sulks away, Lord Flay turns to Ina and Bob T and says ‘Well, I just went on a diet.’

‘Not one part of it,’ Ina generally indicates the Horrifying Five Meat Italian Cupcake, ‘was really delicious.’

Once the Padawans are regrouped in the famous Food Network Kitchen, Dark Lord Flay mentions that Jeff ‘took savoury to a new level’ and, suddenly, Ina Garten must rush back to the Hamptons to feed her husband Jeffrey who could be home at any moment. Thrown off his game and thus forgetting to announce a winner, Lord Flay explains that the next challenge ‘is really gonna put you to the test’ and says, via an awkward bit of cross-editing that makes him sound moderately inarticulate, that ‘someone had the very important message for you.’

As we’ve already been graced with the presence of Ina Garten, it is absolutely no surprise at all that the someone who had the very important message is Rachael Ray – hence the title of this episode Ina Garten & Rachael Ray. Rachael Ray, in a pre-recorded video spot much like Chairman Mark, simply oozes artificiality as she tells the Padawans of the ‘little tradition’ of having them on The Rachael Ray Show, and the Padawans seem surprised by this information as though they’ve never seen an episode of The Next Food Network Star before submitting an application to be on it.

The Padawans are then charged by Lord Flay to put their ‘own twist on a traditional family dinner’ not of their own choosing for which they will do a three minute cooking ‘demo’ (or ‘demonstration’) on The Rachael Ray Show with Rachael Ray whilst taking questions from the studio audience. They will also have to introduce themselves in ‘an open’ (or ‘an opening’) to their cooking segment to entice the viewers not to click the remote and switch to the Perkier Boobs infommercial or Ask Aida and her perky boobs.

Without a time-frame or a budget, the Padawans are set loose in the famous Food Network Kitchen to do their twisting and then, what must be hours later, beneath the glow of a waxing moon, they return to the Flatotel to rest their weary heads. Vic tells us from the confines of the BNR that he can think of nothing more extreme than being on The Rachael Ray Show other than being dragged behind a Bugatti Veyron by his nipples round the Nürburgring whilst being chased by ravenous animals or sticking his face in a fan.

The next morning, the Padawans are transported to an undisclosed location in New York City where The Rachael Ray Show is recorded and they wait in the tiny tacky yellow ‘Green Room’ kitchen somewhere off stage. At last Rachael Ray comes for a short visit, coffee mug in hand, eyes darting everywhere as though she, too, finds the company of non-celebrities to be disconcerting, and she tells them with disinterest whist avoiding their gazes that becoming the Next Food Network Star is ‘always about the story telling and about your personality and the ability to say “yummo.”’ 

Soon, however, the stage is set and Rachael Ray goes before the studio audience of The Rachael Ray Show and exclaims that ‘It’s a big day in the kitchen!’ She goes on to inform them that the big day in the kitchen includes everything that Dark Lord Flay had told the Padawans just three paragraphs ago, except that she explains it with large and animated hand gestures as though she were using semaphores to guide in an injured aircraft or some strange derivative of American Sign Language for People Standing  Rather a Long Way Away.

Cold Steel Whitney is up first. Her traditional family dinner is Chilli and her twist is, after her confident introduction, to make it a ‘gourmazing!’ white chicken chilli. She gets her audience question in, makes her CPOV clear, tells a bit of a story about her brother in a shocking display of personal warmth, and seems to genuinely surprise the Jedi Council, even Dark Lord Flay, who admits ‘job well done’ apart from the fact that he feels her dish is more of a chicken tortilla soup.  ‘It’s good, though,’ he shrugs.

With a traditional Shepherd’s Pie to put her twist on, Mary Beth is full of energy during her introduction but, not having a terribly complicated dish and not really having an entire plan in mind for how to fill the three minutes, she lags a bit towards the middle  – a fact noted by the mysteriously arrived Susie Fogelson – but hits all of her requisite marks. Bob T believes her not so ‘beige-y’ Shepherd’s Pie is the perfect ‘Mary Beth dish but it’s eleganted up one level.’ Lord Flay, not quite knowing what ‘eleganted’ means, frowns and confesses the carrot purée on top ‘makes it actually look really pretty’ like the charred, mangled ribs of a smouldering Tauntaun after it has taken a close-range Blaster hit and Susie Fogelson says ‘Mm-hm.’

Vic, in contrast, so confident about being back in New York, starts ‘unravelling a little bit’ and forgets that the critical element of his ‘Lachanga’ – a chimichanga made with a filling of left-over lasagne – is that the filling is made with a left-over lasagne, giving a confused Lord Flay pause to reflect that ‘This is the weirdest dish I’ve ever seen.’ Clearly Lord Flay has never enjoyed the high privilege of an eleganted un-devilled egg with a dry bread brioche or is seemingly forgetful of the earlier Horrifying Five Meat Italian Cupcake. Susie Fogelson correctly notices that Vic had offered them ‘nothing about ingredients, no recipe,’ and, in his rush to complete his dish, forgot to field a question from the audience.

Susie is encouraged by Rachael Ray to ‘Relax and speak from your gut.’ Most people are encouraged to speak from the heart but, given that Rachael Ray seems to be fast approaching maximum density, I would imagine the word ‘gut’ is weighing heavily on her mind. And the rest of her anatomy. In her opening, Susie gives the Jedi Council the idea that she is somehow apologising for or denouncing Mexican food. It was clear enough to me that her intention was to imply that Mexican food is more than simply Taco Bell, so unless the Jedi were seeing an alternative version of this opening, their critiques seem unwarranted. Unfortunately, like Vic, Susie becomes too involved in the process of twisting her given Chicken Stir-Fry into fajitas and is oblivious to the uncomfortable-looking woman in the audience anxiously waiting to ask a question, a fact pointed out vociferously by Susie Fogelson who tosses her napkin in irritation. ‘She forgot her fun,’ Bob T makes a sad face.

The blatantly obvious path to Jyll’s impending departure is clearly seen throughout the entirety of her ‘demo’ (or ‘demonstration’) of the traditional meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and vegetables. Lord Flay’s bias is seen as he gruffly mutters ‘What kind of vegetables?’ at the television monitor whilst, on the screen, Jyll is busy explaining that ‘whatever you have left over’ is fine. Bob T frowns, shouting at the screen ‘Engage the audience! Look at them!’ which she had been doing all along until she needed to look down for a moment or two in preparing her dish for the oven. Susie Fogelson shakes her head in apparent disbelief that Jyll could be so bold as to take a query from an audience member. Under the pressure of three minutes to jump through all of the hoops, Jyll suggests that she wants to put a California twist on Wisconsin comfort food prompting Lord Flay to bark, ‘Where did that idea come from?’ He also is discouraged by the fact that Jyll did not appear to acknowledge Rachael Ray though, frankly, none of the other Padawans paid her much attention either so the criticism feels somewhat misdirected. ‘I won’t remember this,’ concludes Susie Fogelson.

Finally, Jeff, with his Brady Bunch-inspired Pork Chops and Apple Sauce, announces that he is from the mythical land of ‘Illinoise’ and proceeds to dominate the stage and run the demonstration (or ‘demo’) with ease, juggling the camera, the audience, the cooking, and host Rachael Ray in one fluid movement. Lord Flay shakes his head and demands ‘I just wish I would have learned a little more about the food.’ In the largest and most unbelievable admission of double standards I have seen on this programme in many years, Bob T says in rebuttal, ‘Given the complexity of the challenge and how engaging he was, I forgive him that.’  

Exhausted from having to deal with so many of the small people all at once and not being the centre of attention, Rachael Ray, now backstage, plops her considerable backside on a seat across from the Jedi Council and says, ‘The sandwich guy killed it for me.’ She admits to disappointment that ‘Mamma’s boy’ didn’t remember to talk to the audience (which he did do, had she been awake to notice) and ‘the Meatloaf was very cute’ but she couldn’t connect it to ‘her concept.’ Nice that she could remember the complex names of Jeff, Vic, and Jyll but, then, she’s a big star with a lot of ways to work ‘E.V.O.O.’ into casual conversation on her mind.

Gathering together before the Jedi in the Council Chambers, the Padawans are told by Susie Fogelson that they had ‘the cooking demo [or ‘demonstration’] on Rachael Ray’s show’ just in case they hadn’t noticed how they had spent the last 47 minutes.

‘In just three short weeks,’ Lord Flay acknowledges that there will, in fact, be an end to this torture, ‘one of you will start filming your own show on Food Network.’

Mary Beth is at first praised for making Shepherd’s Pie look ‘incredibly beautiful’ and for doing ‘a very good job’ of describing herself and her concept, but then is slammed for getting ‘bogged down a little bit’ in the midst of her presentation. The Jedi tell her she lacked her trademark humour, that she could have covered more and that, if she was given ‘a bottle of red wine and some lamb’ she ought to be able to offer a fifteen minute dissertation on them. Jeff is told that everyone had ‘the best time’ watching him on The Rachael Ray Show but he ‘kicked the food under the table,’ according to Dark Lord Flay, meaning that, despite Bob T’s assertion that he could forgive Jeff’s inattention to the food, Lord Flay was still displeased that food took a side seat to the glory of Jeff from Illinoise.

Jyll’s fate is sealed almost immediately when nothing good is said about her ‘demo’  (or ‘demonstration’). ‘Here are my concerns,’ Susie Fogelson launches her attack. ‘I didn’t feel the funny, and I don’t know what the point of view is.’

‘I share Susie’s confusion,’ Bob T concurs. ‘Why should we choose you? Why are you our next star?’

Jyll’s defence is a jumble: ‘I don’t… I can’t… like I’m more the girl who can get more rel – I don’t want to say Ina’s not relatable because she’s a goddess amongst all of us, but… like I’m more the girl on a budget… uhm… sense of humour… fun… relatable… entertaining girl. Maybe. And maybe that’s confusing. So I don’t know…’

When it comes to her presentation, Jyll confesses that she was ‘trying so hard to relate to the audience’ that she didn’t really properly ‘sell’ her food which garners yet another snarling comment from Lord Flay who demands, ‘You gotta do both.’  Though he explained this very same thing to Jeff only seconds earlier, her did it with far less vehemence, making it abundantly clear that Jyll is unappreciated by the Jedi Council.

Vic’s ‘first thirty seconds were brilliant,’ says Bob T, ‘and as you went on it got more difficult for you.’ Vic acknowledges he missed a ‘key, simple sentence’ regarding the nature of his lasagne (i.e. that it was supposed to have been left-over) and Lord Flay insists ‘It was not a finessed dish’ and that Vic had ‘killed it.’ But did he ‘kill it’ bad it or did he ‘kill it’ good? Susie is admonished by Susie Fogelson for trying to overcome ‘a perception for what people feel about Mexican food in this country’ and Lord Flay tells her that, with only six Padawans remaining, ‘every mistake is critical’ and she needs to bring ‘that firecracker attitude’ which has so endeared her to the Council.

Turning on Cold Steel Whitney, Lord Flay expounds that her chilli was ‘more like a soup’ – re-opening the long-held debate over whether chilli is soup or stew – but that he ‘loved the flavour of it.’ She seemed, to Bob T, quite ‘confident and authoritative’ but must ‘work harder to entice and excite people’ to embrace her Culinary Point of view, perhaps through pole dancing. ‘I can’t know enough about you,’ openly admits Susie Fogelson. ‘I want to go deeper.’ Mm-hm…

To the surprise of none, Jeff and Cold Steel Whitney are ranked highest amongst the Padawans – Jeff, of course, being the winner despite kicking his food under the table exactly like Jyll did – and the rest are asked to leave the Council Chambers so that the Jedi might discuss just how to drag out sending Jyll to the Plain Brown Closet Door To Nowhere in the last four minutes of the programme.

Susie, they concur, should have thrived ‘in a big way’ on The Rachael Ray Show with Rachael Ray, ‘and,’ says a dour Lord Flay, ‘obviously that didn’t happen.’  As for Mary Beth, Susie Fogelson now wants to ‘go to her house on Sunday’ for dinner but is as yet unsure if she wants to ‘watch her week in and week out’ and Lord Flay feels she shows ‘flashes of good things in the kitchen’ but may be unable to sustain them. Jyll, in the words of Bob T, ‘doesn’t really embody her POV’ and, to Lord Flay’s mind, she ‘got exposed tonight’ and he questions her ‘authority to teach us about… about anything, really.’ And, not letting a moment slip past to beat the long-dead horse, Susie feels there is ‘an artificiality’ to Jyll that she simply cannot let go. Vic failed to ‘bring it to The Rachael Ray Show,’ complains Lord Flay. ‘Wrap a tortilla around some lasagne – what are you thinking about?’ Susie, on the other hand, is ‘in love with Mamma’s Boy’ but Bob T worries about ‘getting consistency’ from him.

As the bottom four Padawans assemble once more to the echoey hip-hop drums and the energetic string ensemble, the camera pans across each of their faces to remind us of who they are.

‘You four are all good,’ Bob T tells them with a heavy heart, ‘so these are painful cuts for us.’ Lord Flay turns to him with a questioning glance, evidently not quite feeling this eluded to pain as the electronic drums dramatically click away the last precious seconds…

boom-boom… cha… boom-boom… ticka-cha… boom-boom… cha… boom-boom…

‘Jyll…’ smiles Bob T, pausing for a few more seconds of now grating electronic drum sounds. ‘I’m sorry, you’re going home tonight.’

‘Okay,’ she smiles graciously in return, knowing someday she’ll likely have her own programme on The Cooking Channel.

Next time, Mary Beth will be having a tough time here because she has never cooked a whole duck before. ‘Meat,’ Lord Flay will announce as gleefully as a Sith Lord can do, ‘is not the only thing that’s gonna be roasted today. So are you!’ Gilbert Gottfried will call someone a ‘soulless zombie’ (rim-shot!) and some black guy with a bad case of diastema will laugh merrily at something. Jeff will be ‘absolutely terrified’ to likely see Louie Anderson and Wednesday Addams sitting at a table with other ‘comedians’ who have been put out to pasture on VH1. ‘You thought you were gonna get away with that, didn’t ya?’ Judy Gold will ask. ‘Ha-ha! Not here!’  The diastema guy will prod at a something on a plate and probably complete the statement ‘This is the most flavourful dish…’ and Lord Flay will enquire sternly (presumably of Susie) ‘How can we possibly get you to focus?’ Wednesday Addams will be scared of someone’s food (rim-shot!) and Gilbert Gottfried will squint down at his plate and ask, ‘Is this an animal I’ve seen on this planet? (double rim-shot!) and Vic will say, ‘Whoa!’ which may or may not then prompt Lord Flay to ponder ‘The Death of Vic Vegas…’

Set those DVRs, kids…

Theoretically Liveblogging The Next Food Network Star v 7.7

(A big shout out goes to the heat wave and the brief power shortage during which I lost more than half of this original post! Nothing like having to do things twice. And speaking of twice…)

As dawn breaks over the palatial mountain stronghold, Jeff busily brushes his teeth, Paul Stanley, looking rather a lot like Medusa, lurches over the 50 foot plank in the centre of the kitchen and slurps emptily at her coffee, Big Chris combs his hair into the signature ridiculous Zippy the Pinhead point in the middle of his head, and Cold Steel Whitney is once again on the telephone. This time it is with her boyfriend, Will, who sounds a good deal like the adults in a Charlie Brown cartoon. He is, it appears, either giving her support or breaking up with her because she is holding back tears but, in that the producers have failed to translate his warbly dialogue into meaningful words at the bottom of the screen, it’s difficult to be sure. It is clear that young Whitney will either be going home this week, since she has been the primary focus of our attention at the beginning of two episodes, or she will win a challenge and be vindicated in the face of another terrifying hour long programme.

Arriving at the Food Star Kitchens, Los Angeles Bureau, Dark Lord Flay welcomes the Padawans to the Food Star Kitchens, Los Angeles Bureau and congratulates them on having made it ‘halfway through the competition.’

‘And there went out a proclamation amongst the host about the middle of the challenge having been reached and a great cry went up from the multitudes that you have just got to be joking because the human mind may only absorb what the human buttocks may endure…’   Gastronomie, 8:12

Lord Flay explains that the ‘Mid-Terms are our chance to assess how you’ve done over the entire competition so far and include it in our evaluations. At the end of this week,’ he continues, ‘two of you will be going home.’ And he holds up two fingers to illustrate his point. Of course he does his with his palm facing inward, not outward. Had he been standing somewhere in the vicinity of professional footballers from, oh let’s just say Manchester United, he would likely have been introduced reasonably swiftly to the business end of a cleated shoe, because those two fingers can also mean a hearty Fuck You. After the dual elimination, the remaining Padawans (that would be six if you’re checking your score cards at home, and a number Lord Flay does not bother to indicate with his fingers as it would take two hands, unless he’s polydactyl) will be jetted away to New York for the tedious final half of the series.

And there is much rejoicing.

Because this is ‘Mid-Term,’ the Padawans are told they will face their toughest ever…

…what..?

That’s right! Very good! They must prepare their own individual  ‘signature dish’ in some indeterminate time frame and then, as always, present that dish to the camera (or ‘to camera’ in cool mediaspeak where the definite article is tres blasé ). The twist is, of course, that they must present their signature dish in ‘a two minute cooking demo’ (or ‘demonstration’). Because they each have ‘some issues’ (insert spit take), Lord Flay will walk amongst them whilst they cook and dole out useful criticisms for them to ponder before they step in front of the cameras.

Susie is told to ‘focus’ when she is teaching. However when it comes to demonstrating the creation of a tortilla, she forgets to mention she has made her signature chicken enchilada which then prompts Bob Tuschman to tell her she needs to ‘think logically and clearly and drive with a map in front of you.’ Jeff has a ‘crazy great energy’ but he lacks a certain ‘warmth.’ And when he presents his signature sandwich, not only does he project that warmth but also displays no ‘crazy great energy’ and seems extremely flat. 

Jyll is charged by Lord Flay to ‘surprise’ him and stop being so like a news presenter, however her plan of being spontaneous and frantically begging the viewers not to be scared or switch the channel at the very thought of eating raw beef backfires, and the Jedi Council sit stoically. Cold Steel Whitney is told that she, like Jeff, lacks ‘personal warmth’ as well. To combat this issue, she explains to the camera that she has had a personal relationship with gazpacho. Because admitting that you’ve had a personal relationship with a food product always makes you seem warm in a completely not weird or creepy sort of way.  

Mary Beth needs to talk to the Jedi Council as if she ‘invented this dish’ (spaghetti) and she does – after her Camera Challenge is complete. Paul Stanley is told simply that she needs to be ‘likable on television,’ such as by not being on it, and then Lord Flay walks away from her. From the depths of the BNR she anguishes over the fact that ‘I’m going into this thinking “I’m not likable”’ a statement which ought to win an Emmy for Most Profound Acknowledgement of the Obvious. She also stalks into the room looking a great deal like Lon Chaney in London After Midnight which does very little to endear her to a prospective audience. That her presentation is somewhat cringe-worthy and scattered towards the end seems to entirely escape her and she queries of Darth Giada ‘Could you see that there was more effort on the likeability?’

‘If you’re not having fun,’ Darth Giada tells her sternly and succinctly, ‘you’re not more likeable.’

Even Lord Flay reflects on her increasing ability to be ‘not good on camera’ and to create good food. ‘But,’ he asks rhetorically, ‘can her food save her one more week?’ ‘Oh please, no,’ is the answer I am hoping for. Internet rumours of her winning and having a programme potentially called The Simple Palate aside, I imagine her show would have less viewers than a television channel sign-off signal.

Vic needs to ‘be an expert,’ Lord Flay suggests. ‘Be a “Big Picture” teacher.’ However, this translates on camera as Vic introducing himself and for two minutes reciting the ingredients and methods used in his signature dish without actually cooking anything. When this fact is pointed out to him by Bob T, Vic says, not to Darth Giada as we saw in the teasers, ‘I feel ya. I’m sorry.’

Channelling Chaka Khan, Bob T cries, ‘No! I feel for you! This is the week we’re sending two people home!’ And he does not hold up two fingers to show how much two is.

Big Chris is not specifically told anything, though his dish is comprised of, as Jeff says, ‘one hundred and twelve components’ and he will needlessly complicate things. Lord Flay, getting nowhere, simply walks away from him as well. Big Chris takes this to mean that he needlessly complicates dishes, so he is out to prove that he can ‘teach a ton of things in two minutes.’ He promptly illustrates just how completely wrong he is by babbling very much like the idiot he is. And when Bob Tuschman explains that ‘When you try to tell us everything, you tell us nothing,’ Big Chris tells him that ‘In two minutes I didn’t really know what to focus on’ and thereby negating his certainty that he could ‘teach a ton of things in two minutes.’  

Perhaps not so surprisingly, in that she was the primary focus of our attention at the beginning of two episodes, Cold Steel Whitney stood out as the best amongst the other Padawans in this challenge and, much to her delight, Bob T informs her she will have ‘an advantage in the next challenge.’ At this point, it seems rather unfair as none of the other previous winners have necessarily been given advantages other than when Paul Stanley got to dole out specific dishes to her competitors what feels like last year in episode 2.

‘The next challenge,’ Lord flay announces to the assembled Padawans just before they are returned to the palatial mountain stronghold to rest up after an arduous 11 minute day and because doing everything at once doesn’t satisfactorily prolong the agony, ‘is gonna decide which two of you will be going home.’ And, once again, he  holds up two fingers to indicate how many two is.

***

Later the next afternoon, there is a knock on the entrance to the palatial mountain stronghold and Lord Flay sweeps in. ‘Bobby Flay is in the house – literally,’ Big Chris gleefully and pointlessly tells us from the solitude of the BNR. And then, if not slightly prophetically, he says ‘We know something’s about to go down!’

‘Alright,’ Lord Flay tells them, ‘your challenge today is to create an over-the-top, extravagant dinner party, here, tonight.’ But this will be no ordinary over-the-top, extravagant dinner party. It will be an over-the-top extravagant dinner party for the entire Jedi Council – including the sporadically absent Susie Fogelson – and Emperor Wolfgang Puck just like the title Dinner Party for Wolfgang Puck and the teasers have indicated. Each of the Padawans will be responsible for one dish, however they will not be sent out to shop. Rather, they must utilise whatever ingredients are currently on hand in the kitchen at the palatial mountain stronghold. And for some ridiculous reason, the decor of the dinner party, which really hasn’t got anything at all to do with anyone being a possible Next Food Network Star, will also be taken into account by the Jedi Council, and so Mary Beth and her new BFF Paul Stanley volunteer to do the shopping for that portion of the challenge.

Big Chris, again from the BNR, is confident that ‘Cooking for Wolfgang Puck doesn’t scare me. But,’ he adds, ‘I want any course except dessert’ which, naturally, he gets as Cold Steel Whitney, who understands an ‘eight course meal typically runs a certain way,’ such as one through eight, decides the order in which the Padawans will serve their courses, which, in turn rather dictates what they will be preparing: Jeff will be first, followed by Vic, then Mary Beth, pre-determined antagonist Paul Stanley, and her nemesis Jyll. Cold Steel Whitney will do the sixth course, followed by Susie and—

‘That means, Chris,’ Lord Flay has narrowed it down entirely on his own, ‘you’re making dessert.’

‘This is a nightmare for me,’ Big Chris confesses from the BNR, looking as though he is about to burst into tears. ‘I have dessert – on the mid-term challenge – for Wolfgang Puck. There is nothing harder than that.’ Except for making Paul Stanley likeable. Or the decision by Big Chris to once more attempt his special chocolate ganache cakes which failed so miserably at some unnamed hotel in some unnamed kitchen when he was the ostensible ‘leader’ of Team Robert. And, like before, he feels no compulsion to follow any sort of recipe. Because Cold Steel Whitney is usurping the larger of the two ovens for her main course (chicken), the Sweet Taste of Failure Cakes that Big Chris is planning to make are relegated to a smaller side oven which he will need to share with Mary Beth. And he insists from the BNR that, ‘I put my cakes in the oven and say “The left oven needs to be on 350. No. Higher.”’

Of course, as we have seen in the teaser, his instructions are largely ignored and soon Big Chris, with a clear sense of irritation, demands of no-one in particular, ‘Yo! Why did you turn this up without telling me!?’

‘I didn’t!’ an unidentified female voice off screen responds defensively, clearly having thought Big Chris was addressing her.

‘It’s on 450!’ he observes. ‘Unbelievable!’ He then goes on to explain to a disinterested group of busily-cooking Padawans that, ‘I call it sabotage. I think someone just turned my oven up and tried to ruin my dessert. I’m not even joking.' Thankfully everyone is still disinterested and continue to ignore him as they go about their own business. In a stark rebuttal of their silence, Big Chris heatedly whisks something in a bowl just to show them how he’s not even joking.

Meanwhile, united by the universal need to shop, Mary Beth and Paul Stanley arrive via Black Ops SUV at Target (all promotional considerations paid) – and, honestly, if you were to serve dinner for a world-renown chef and entrepreneur, wouldn’t Target be at the very top of your shopping list as well? None of that silly Barney’s or Harrods or Saks nonsense. Thankfully the girls don’t need to put much thought or effort into their decisions because Home Style Expert™ Sabrina Soto from HGTV and corporate spokesmodel for Target just conveniently happens to be at the very same Target as them and, recognising them as potential Next Food Network Stars, she proffers a list of things to do and not to do when having an over-the-top, extravagant dinner for a world renown chef and entrepreneur and then points to the very aisle in which they need to spend their undetermined amount of money.

Upon their return to the palatial mountain stronghold, Big Chris is still whinging over the fact that someone turned up the heat on the oven. Turns out it was Mary Beth, as she cannot adequately cook her squash (for soup) at a mere 350. Big Chris scolds her for her meddling and how it could have compromised the very integrity of his special recipeless chocolate ganache cakes, prompting Jeff to tell us from the isolation of the BNR that he feels Big Chris ought to ‘just move on’ and a frustrated Cold Steel Whitney – in a sudden display of personal warmth – suggests ‘Let’s not talk about the oven any more.’

‘Oh, I’m gonna put it out there,’ Big Chris vows, angrily chopping a potato just to show her how he’s gonna put it out there.

Abruptly, and with only minutes remaining before service, Jeff comes to the stunning realisation that he has not been wearing his Magic Mike Reno Good Luck Headband (a situation he quickly amends), Mary Beth spurts a load of butternut squash soup out of a whizzing  food processor in a spectacular Porn Star money shot whilst Jyll pops the cork on a bottle of champagne.

Gathering pool-side in the spacious courtyard of the palatial mountain stronghold, the Padawans watch with anticipation as Dark Lord Flay descends the grand stone staircase and introduces his Master, The Emperor, ‘Chef Wolfgang Puck!’ (who says ‘Hallo!’) whilst the remaining Jedi Council trot along behind. Cold Steel Whitney, in a display of personal warmth, welcomes the Emperor to what she calls ‘our house’ and, shoving a glass of freshly-opened champagne into his hand, suggests that ‘If you want to take a seat, we’ll bring out the first course!’ because she is in a rush to get to the end of the episode.

As they seat themselves, Darth Giada and Susie Fogelson remark that the decor is ‘simple, elegant’ and ‘is really creative’ for some stuff they got from Target.

Jeff’s first course, a beef carpaccio over a bed of arugula with macerated cherries, is said by Emperor Puck to be ‘a little skimpy.’ Politely, Jeff reminds him that the real world is currently in a recession and the gathered elite chuckle at this quaint notion. As they tuck in to the salad, Emperor Puck babbles something vaguely incoherent about how he could taste that there was fart in it he liked and something about Italy. ‘It’s my kinda salad,’ Darth Giada says, sadly neglecting to mention whether or not she could taste fart in it, and Lord Flay is surprised by something so ‘dainty’ coming from Jeff. They all agree, however, that Jeff could be The Next Food Network Star.

What Vic has ‘made for youse tonight’ is a twist on his mother’s Mozzarella en Carozza, which, The Emperor says, is ‘not greezy,’ and Lord Flay must confess that he feels Vic is ‘more and more likeable’ just like Paul Stanley isn’t. ‘Starting today,’ Mary Beth says (or about seven weeks too late) she is going to show everyone that she can cook. She is very eloquent in describing her butternut squash soup but ultimately disappoints the Jedi Council with a dish too heavily spiced with cayenne pepper, to which Lord Flay replies ‘Alright, next dish.’

The next dish, upon which ‘there’s a lot riding,’ is Paul Stanley’s and she understands that she needs to ‘kill it.’ Whatever ‘it’ is. In a Prozac-induced performance, she tells the collected elite that ‘What I’ve decided to serve to you today is seafood and shrimp on top of, uh, baby arugula and some figs.’ Emperor Puck hopes ‘it tastes as good as it looks’ because her description was dull as a post. ‘Nooshe jan,’ she tells them, ‘which means “bon appetit” in Farsi.’ Actually, the closest English approximation is ‘May you enjoy it.’  Bon appetit is French. But let’s not split hairs. Despite her curiously almost warm performance – a feat which impressed even Lord Flay – Bob T must consider ‘Can she be that in front of the camera? That’s what she hasn’t been’ and Darth Giada concurs with a quiet nod.

New pre-determined protagonist, Jyll has crafted a nice sweet corn risotto with grilled asparagus, oven roasted tomatoes and some fresh parmesan for her guests. That is to say she believes she has crafted a nice risotto. She is torn between the options of making it ‘a little looser’ (as it has been cooking for a while now, which is not good for a nice risotto) and perhaps compromising the texture, or retain the present texture and possibly compromise the flavour. In the end, she decides to take the musical advice of Yes and ‘leave it.’  And that was not a good decision.

‘What is your name?’ Emperor Puck points at her after wincing on the first bite.

‘Jyll,’ she tells him with a big friendly Wisconsin smile.

‘This is not really a risotto,’ he objects. Across the table Darth Giada smiles a nervous smile and her eyes slide away with embarrassment. ‘Can I come and show you how to make a risotto?’

‘Please!’ Jyll nods happily.

‘Come with me,’ Emperor Puck demands as he rises from the table carrying her nice risotto. ‘In the kitchen.’

‘Oh, really?’ Jyll is stunned – as are the Jedi Council – as Emperor Puck leads Jyll away.

Lord Flay, frustrated and dismayed, hangs his head in his hand, muttering, ‘Oh Jesus Christ…’

So Jyll leads Emperor Puck to the kitchen and, with all the Padawans gathered about, Risotto 101 is taught to Jyll in a slightly humiliating way. When the lesson is through, they return to the Jedi’s table where Lord Flay explains that he understands she may be feeling bad but ‘as a chef, if we didn’t talk to our cooks and correct them, they can’t get better.’ For withstanding the terror of what he just put her through and still being able to smile, Emperor Puck gives Jyll ‘an A from my point.’ Susie Fogelson does not agree and demands that Jyll’s worst enemy is not allowing her real emotions through that big Wisconsin smile and Darth Giada agrees. Had they been in the kitchen shortly after, perhaps they would have seen real emotion as Jyll broke down crying from the chastisement. It does give one pause to consider, though, given this new-found desire for real emotions, when we, the home viewers, will get to see Darth Giada, Sandra Lee, or Ina Garten have a psychotic break ‘on camera’ and go on a massive crying jag over some scorched meal or see Alton Brown go on a destructive rampage when one of his precious ‘multi-taskers’ fails to operate correctly?

Cold Steel Whitney finally gets to present her dish, an Asian-inspired roasted chicken with puffed wild rice, which variously represents either her ‘dad and grandma’ or her ‘parents on a plate’ depending upon which description she wants to stick with. Though she seems to exude a sort of personal warmth as she describes her meal, Bob T asks of the intent faces all about him, ‘Can she command the imagination of a hundred million people?’ And then he answers his own rhetorical question, saying, ‘I’m not sure yet.’

Although there was no Mexican cheese anywhere to be found in the palatial mountain stronghold, Susie has made a Mexican dish anyway, an open-face  chile relleno , as an alternative to a cheese platter. ‘She’s very resourceful,’ Lord Flay remarks, realising she has made the dish with feta rather than the more traditional cheeses, like making a Bantha patty from a L’lahsh-marinated nutrient globule. Susie Fogelson is touched by Susie’s ability to utilise her heritage for inspiration as was suggested to her early on in the season and she and Lord Flay seem in agreement that Susie ‘makes Mexican soul food.’ Even Emperor Puck concedes, in a curiously coherent sentence, that ‘Of all the dishes, this will stay in my head the most.’ And then he adds, ‘I would watch her.’

The Jedi, it seems, have pre-maturely lavished praise upon Susie without regard to the magnificent dessert awaiting them. Big Chris, taking a cue from Jeff, has decided that a Magic Mike Reno Good Luck Headband is the thing for him. And what a huge difference it has made! Marching to the Jedi’s table, he shoots a quick ‘How ya doin?’ at Emperor Puck who, in some confusion, replies, ‘Excellent.’

‘Hello everybody,’ Big Chris says and, not wanting to embarrass himself, declares, ‘Dessert’s not something I’m really familiar with.’ Darth Giada looks concerned and unhappy. ‘And, uhm, what you have in front of you is a chocolate fudge cake. Around that is Tahitian vanilla crème en glaze with a caramel candy on top. You know, again, I’m not really familiar with desserts. Cake turned out okay in my eyes – not as good as I would’ve liked. You know, it’s not something I’m familiar with, so—’

‘Why are you apologising for this?’ Lord Flay charges as Big Chris stammers through another apology. ‘It’s driving me crazy!’

‘I’ll give you the bad comments after,’ Emperor Puck assures him. ‘So you give us the good ones.’

‘No,’ says Big Chris, ‘you know, I have nothin to be sorry about. I gave it my all. The refrigerators were stocked with meat and poultry [also a meat, or, if you’d prefer, a protein] and, you know, I’m a chef. I would die to make you a risotto. Thanks, guys.’  As Big Chris exits in triumph, it obviously has not occurred to him that, despite the Risotto 101 lesson taught just minutes before, risotto is made with rice, not meat. How embarrassing.

Apart from being ‘a walking apology,’ according to Bob T, Big Chris was quite a hit and Emperor Puck acknowledges that ‘it doesn’t comes on rye’ and says ‘you want to why you on here.’ Darth Giada agrees and explains that, ‘The cake, for me, is the strangest texture ever. Gets stuck in my teeth, it’s not decadent or rich.’

***

After a much needed break for advertisements, the Padawans gather in the Stark Beige Crockery Exhibit Hall in silence. Many of them appear to be little Sadawans, such as Jyll who, weeping from the solace of the BNR, confesses her embarrassment at having Emperor Puck teach her how to make risotto. Soon they rise and trod quietly into the Council Chambers where they must wait through a nice long tracking shot of the stoic faces of the Jedi and some effervescent strings before Lord Flay welcomes them to the elimination and reminds them that they’ve ‘made it to our Food Star Mid-Terms: our chance to assess how you’ve done over the entire competition so far just like I said at the beginning of the show in case you forgot.’      

‘Six of you,’ Susie Fogelson buoyantly explains, ‘will be moving on to the next phase of the competition in New York City. Which means, for two of you, the journey ends here.’ She does not indicate in any tangible way what two is but smiles nonetheless as the music turns dramatic and the judgements are handed out:

Vic, very near the bottom for four weeks, has risen to very near the top – with the one small bit of backpedalling earlier in the episode during that challenge thingy they do in front of the camera at the start of every episode – but Lord Flay wants to see him be more confident, more aggressive, and more authoritative. Cold Steel Whitney, so says Darth Giada, ‘can definitely cook’ but still comes across as ‘a little bit impersonal and clinical.’

Susie – clearly a budding favourite amongst the Jedi – is praised by Bob T for ‘passion, joy, culinary technique’ but still must learn to focus her power. She has inspired Darth Giada ‘to think about Mexican food in a whole different way’ which, she is told, is ‘the number one goal for a Food Network Star’ and Susie Fogelson feels ‘there’s some really special things’ about her and wonders if she would be ‘willing to share that.’  This opens the floodgates and, looking as though she is blowing her nose in her hand,  Susie tells a very emotional and personal tale of overcoming adversity to get where she is.

Jyll, it is noted by Bob T, ‘had a not totally welcome cooking lesson from Wolfgang Puck’ and she concedes she was ‘absolutely mortified’ but was determined to show that she would ‘not crack under pressure.’ It is exactly those cracks that the Jedi Council want to see – especially Susie Fogelson who insists that ‘We know you have something special or you wouldn’t be here,’ but desires for Jyll to be less ‘artificial.’ Jeff, meanwhile, vacillates between schtick, deadpan, and warmth but rarely all three at the same time and Lord Flay simply cannot ascertain why Jeff would make a salad for Emperor Puck if he considers himself to be ‘The Sandwich King.’ That’s about it. Nothing about how he could be The Next Food Network Star.

Turning to Paul Stanley, Bob T tells her that he has loved eating everything she has put in front of them and she smiles that terrifying Lon Chaney smile again. ‘What’s harder for me,’ he continues, ‘is when you’re in front of the camera,’ and her dark smile collapses. She counters by saying that she’s ‘feeling good’ and wants to teach, share, and inspire – though Bob wonders aloud if there’s time enough for that to happen. Again, I say ‘Oh please, no’ is the answer he is searching for.

Big Chris is ‘a little immature,’ according to Darth Giada in much the same way Jupiter is a little big and roundy. Lord Flay feels he needs ‘more experience cooking on a line so you can learn a lot more.’

‘But you just haven’t tried my food yet,’ Big Chris pouts solemnly.

‘I’ve been sitting here for the last six weeks trying your food,’ Lord Flay scolds him. ‘You want to bring up the lobster dish with the cream cheese again? I don’t think so.’

‘Okay.’

‘I tasted the chocolate dessert last night,’ Lord Flay adds fervently. ‘You want me to keep going?’

Big Chris is silent.

‘I just don’t know how to straighten you out,’ confesses Lord Flay. ‘I don’t know if it’s a maturity thing or what it is. I feel like I have the same conversation with you over and over.’

‘I mean, I’ve listened to—’

‘I know you’ve listened,’ Lord Flay cuts him off,  ‘but you don’t actually take hold of it!’

‘Okay…’ Big Chris whispers, appearing to be on the verge of tears, thinking he ought to have worn his new Magic Mike Reno Good Luck Headband.

Mary Beth leaves Darth Giada in awe of how well she talks about food but she is said to ‘kinda cook like someone who needs the tips that Food Network Stars give.’ As Mary Beth stares at her, Lord Flay explains that the choice of cayenne was a ‘mis-cue’ and how the soup ‘had no flavour – just hot.’ Darth Giada, perhaps more cruelly than is really necessary, very animatedly tells a devastated Mary Beth that ‘We are only as good as our food.’

Although no overall winner is announced for the second portion of the programme and the decor over which Mary Beth and Paul Stanley slaved because it was said to be an important inclusion in the judging of the over-the-top extravagant dinner party is completely disregarded, those who are going on to New York are, as expected, Susie, Jeff, Cold Steel Whitney, and a very relieved Vic, and they scamper from the room in conquest.

This, then, leaves Jyll, Big Chris, Mary Beth, and Paul Stanley to shuffle dejectedly from the Council Chambers whilst the Jedi deliberate on their fates, but not before Susie Fogelson is shown for a second time reiterating happily that ‘for two of you, the journey ends here’ as if they somehow hadn’t figure that out quite yet after seeing the other four Padawans scamper from the room in conquest after being told they would be going to New York.

Once again it is the routine litany of expected comments: Paul Stanley makes terrific food but her camera presence makes Lord Flay wonder ‘Is she gonna be warm enough to really hold a viewer?’ a thought which repulses me. Bob T replies, ‘It’s seven weeks now. I have not seen her be good on camera’ and Darth Giada nods, knowing he meant ‘on the camera.’ Mary Beth is described by Bob T as ‘poetic and smart’ and Lord Flay confesses he enjoys watching her but her ‘food chops’ are troublesome to him. Susie Fogelson says ‘She has not blown me away with any dish to date and it’s already the middle of the competition I’ve hardly been here for.’ As for Jyll, Darth Giada says she ‘does have personality but I don’t think it has to do with food, and it makes her seem unauthentic,’ although I’m sure she meant to say ‘inauthentic.’ Bob T doesn’t feel that Big Chris ‘knows who he is yet’ so perhaps he should hand him a card which reads Hi! I’m Bob Tuschman, Senior Vice President of Food Network. Lord Flay is disappointed that Big Chris ‘comes off confident’ but then is an idiot. ‘He’s a little puffed up now’ Susie indicates, referring obviously to the special recipeless chocolate ganache cakes no-one enjoyed, ‘which makes him look a little asinine because he doesn’t deliver. And then he becomes this sad sweetheart of a puppy and you’re just like, “Why do you act like that, then?”’ And the answer is ‘Why do you even ask such a pointless, obvious question?’

Once the bottom four Padawans return to the Council Chambers and make themselves uncomfortable before the dais, Bob T says, ‘Chris.’

Big Chris replies, ‘Bob’ showing that he does know who he is.

Bob T smiles warmly. ‘I’m sorry, you’re going to be leaving us tonight.’

Big Chris nods, looking dazed. ‘Thank you,’ he says. ‘Thank you all. It’s been a great expense…’ I’m almost certain he meant to say ‘experience’ but he was trying to stop himself crying and his voice cracked. As he is sent back to the Stark Beige Crockery Exhibit Hall, he tells us from the solace of the BNR that this is not the end of him and ‘hopefully I’ll make something of my name.’ You can make ‘Shirc’ or ‘Schri’ from it. Those are just two examples, of course.

Mary Beth, in an unexpected twist, is congratulated by Darth Giada for making it to the next round and she reels from the shock, thanking the Jedi profusely for the opportunity. And, because she didn’t cry like Big Chris did, she is allowed to remain in the Council Chambers to hear the final verdict.

Even more shocking than Cold Steel Whitney being the primary focus of our attention at the beginning of two episodes as an expected diversionary tactic or the fact that the decor of the over-the-top extravagant dinner party was utterly ignored after so much prominence was placed on it, is that our Jyll is very flatly told by Dark Lord Flay that she will be going to New York City.

She clasps her hand over her mouth and steps away, eyes wide in disbelief – likely because  she’d managed to not just laugh out loud in the face of pre-determined antagonist Paul Stanley who, in the meantime, rolls her eyes back as if she’d taken a hard slap and whispers ‘Oh my god’ in absolute astonishment that her vicious attitude, transparent Lon Chaney smile and unpleasant camera presence made her insufferable to watch.

Once Paul Stanley has composed herself, Lord Flay apologises to her and then, whilst she’s saying ‘You know, it’s really been an honour,’ he cuts her off with a quick ‘Thanks for giving it your all’ because there are only two minutes left in the programme and he’s a busy man.

And as Big Chris and Paul Stanley exit together through the Plain Brown Closet Door to Nowhere, Jeff giddily informs us from the BNR that, without them, ‘all the drama’s gone! Now only the contenders are left.’

But… did Vic break the heart of Darth Giada? Did he shake his head and groan with loathing? Did Lord Flay indicates that ‘The stakes this week are higher than they ever have been before?’ Did Bob T ever tell them, ‘The time for glimmering is past – you gotta shine?’

Next time, someone will probably say ‘New York, here we come!’ and Vic may just be heard to say ‘Mamma, your boy is home!’ and then cry ‘What’s up?’ to the audience on Rachael Ray’s programme Rachael Ray. ‘It’s a big day in the kitchen,’ Rachael Ray will or will not tell her audience and Cold Steel Whitney might make ‘white chicken chilli’ whilst Jeff may slap some hands. ‘Always go to your butcher and get a good bone,’ a tousled and sassy-looking Mary Beth could tell the Rachael Ray audience and Dark Lord Flay might tell someone ‘She lost her energy a little bit’ before explaining that ‘One of you will be going home.’

And Rachael Ray will be on the programme also…

Theoretically Liveblogging The Next Food Network Star v7.6

After enduring the deep lyrical complexity of the opening theme we are quickly taken on our obligatory swing through the palatial mountain stronghold as the Padawans are preparing themselves for a shockingly sixty minute episode.

‘I cannot believe we are at week six,’ Paul Stanley mumbles whilst applying her thick black eye liner as if she were readying for a Cure concert, and I, too, am shocked she has managed to get this far. Orchid, meanwhile, is out to prove to the Jedi Council that saving her from elimination last week was a wise decision. Given her decreasing ability to shine in successive challenges, however, and the fact that her self-doubt is being highlighted so early, there is a certain fatality to her words.

Shortly thereafter, the Padawans arrive at what is described by Big Chris as ‘this parking lot’ wherein Lunch Trucks With Paula Deen Version 2.0 starring Tyler The Food Truck Master Florence as Paula Deen and three Food Trucks (which apparently differ substantially from mere Lunch Trucks) await.

‘As you can tell,’ The Food Truck Master explains, ‘you are gonna have a Food Truck face off.’

Jeff hangs his head and all about there is silence.

‘We are going to split you up into three teams,’ The Master continues. ‘Each team is responsible for coming up with a concept and a menu that will have your customers lined up to taste your food.’ There are wan smiles and, oddly a dour and unpleasant look from Paul Stanley, as this information is relayed to them. ‘Each team will shoot a thirty second commercial. And we are gonna invite—’

…wait for it…

…what’s the magic number…?

…everyone say it with me…

‘—a hundred and fifty food truck followers. They’re gonna watch your commercials and, based on your commercial alone, they’re gonna pick one truck to try.’ Personally I would prefer to sample the food served at one of the trucks rather than the truck itself but, then, everyone’s got a fetish. This is of course the what? That’s right. Very good. The Camera Challenge. It’s so nice when we all learn together.

The Padawans are divided into Team Yellow of Vic, Jyll and Orchid, Team Blue of Jeff, Cold Steel Whitney and Susie, and Team Soylent Green of Big Chris, Paul Stanley and our poor Mary Beth who, from the sanctity of the BNR dolorously observes regarding having to work once again with Paul Stanley, ‘I don’t trust her and I am not looking forward to working with her.’

They will have thirty minutes to determine the nature of their individual trucks and to ‘write a catchy script,’ according to The Food Truck Master. What we get, though, is about two minutes of bits and pieces sort of like a cool 80s montage but without the pulsing soundtrack by Ultravox. Or the actual cool montage. When the two minute half an hour is over, the teams have solidified their concepts.

Team Yellow are going to do some Fierce Food Fusion of tacos and burritos – but with ‘crazy stuff.’ The problem seemed to be, in the opinion of The Master, that Orchid said ‘”We’re gonna have a great time” three times’ when, in fact she only said it twice. Once she said ‘We’re gonna have a good time.’  Regardless, it is suggested to her to by The Master that she have a ‘decent Rolodex of good adjectives and, uh, ways to describe things.’

Team Soylent Green are doing wraps and a bad Charlie’s Angels-style advert which is, as Jeff so aptly stated, ‘uncomfortable to watch’ if only because watching Paul Stanley try to be sultry in a staged and wooden manner is enough to make me wish she would have burst into song –

No, no, no

No I will not show him what I’ve got

Can’t see my, can’t see my,

No he can’t see my burka face…

Team Blue have decided that balls are their thing, that is to say food ‘in spherical form,’ and Mary Beth sagely states from the BNR that they will attract ‘a lot of fifth graders.’ Jeff feels they have done the best of the three groups, though The Master has some reservations about the Balls on The Roll concept: ‘Balls,’ he says. ‘Do you think that’s really gonna bring em in? Is that your concept? You guys are happy with that?’ Whitney tells the stone-faced Master that she thinks the idea is fun, however Susie is more reserved and confesses from the BNR that she’s ‘a little concerned’ that people may be offended by it. But not fifth-graders, though. They’ll love it.

They are given $1000 per team to shop – this time at Restaurant Depot so they don’t have to choke on retail prices for a change – and they will have two hours to prepare before their trucks open for business. Of course that two hour preparation time will be for tomorrow, after they’ve rested from their laborious 30 minute day today.

After their shopping spree, the Padawans return to the palatial mountain stronghold to unwind from their whirlwind day and we find Jeff and Paul Stanley having a chat at the 50 foot plank in the centre of the incredibly poorly-designed kitchen. There is a sense of unease, though, as Jeff discusses his true warmth and how it is often disguised by a ‘goofy’ persona, because Paul Stanley appears to sigh heavily and shift in her seat with some discomfort that they are not talking about her. The next morning, Jeff tells his teammates – Susie and Cold Steel Whitney – that the little red sweatband he wears was blessed by a monk in Indiana, presumably after a Loverboy concert, and so they all decide to wear them in a show of ‘team unity and power.’  And for those not at all familiar with the strong contingent of monks in the grate state (oh, did I spell that incorrectly?) of Indiana, there are several people with that surname. Prior to heading out to face their challenge, Jeff counsels his teammates, ‘Just don’t underestimate the power of the bandana.’ It worked for Mike Reno. And Axl Rose. And John Travolta.

Arriving via Black Ops SUVs at an undisclosed aircraft hangar, the Padawans discover their Food Trucks have been decorated, arranged and (we must guess) fully stocked for the day’s activities. Why the Food Trucks are inside the aircraft hangar rather than ‘this parking lot’ in the bright warm California sunshine is never explained.

Everyone dives straight away into preparing their dishes – fancy yet non-traditional falafel from Cold Steel Whitney (with cooked chick peas, not raw), an albondigas soup for Susie, giant meatballs from Jeff, a ‘Phillirito’ (or Philly cheese steak burrito, not a taco) from Vic, a redemptive shrimp Po’ Boy taco from Jyll, Filipino-style pork adobo tacos and a vinegary slaw from Orchid, a ginger-lime chicken wrap from Mary Beth, a butter-poached lobster and cream cheese wrap from Big Chris, and a slow-motion filet mignon kebab and Greek salad wrap from Paul Stanley who is not only continuing to think well inside the culinary box but is lagging well behind her teammates because she, like Eddie from season 5, wants to ‘put love in each one.’ This mean, however, she will not have anything ready by serving time and Mary Beth kindly offers to help her speed the process up by chopping onions for her.

Finally the tons of 150 food truck followers begin to arrive including not only The Food Truck Master, Tyler Florence, but also Bob Tuschman, a freshly-returned and rested Darth Giada, and Dark Lord of The Sith, Bobby Flay. Before the fun begins, the Council and audience are subjected to the advertisements for each of the Food Trucks so that they can decide from which truck they intend to dine. Fierce Food Fusion appears to have a well-received ad, although Orchid’s apparent inability to stand out amongst ‘larger’ personalities is heavily played upon and inches her closer to an inevitable fate. The advert for Wrap It Up with its vaguely Charlie’s Angels theme is ridiculous, but Paul Stanley is in love with seeing herself on the screen. And Balls on The Roll is clearly a ‘Jeff inspired’ idea with his ‘fingerprints all over it’ which tends to leave some people uncertain as to whether or not they would actually enjoy eating balls – that is food ‘in spherical form.’

The answer to that would be, not so much. And the absence of a long line of tons of 150 food truck followers or fifth-graders lined up to eat balls is a testament to the success of the concept.

Paul Stanley, however, is continuing to lag far behind and has no wraps prepared as hungry people anxiously wait in line and complain quite a lot about how hungry they are and how they have to wait in line for no wraps.  Eventually Mary Beth goes out into the aircraft hangar and talks to the people in line and tries to comfort them so they don’t feel neglected. Eventually, Paul Stanley’s filet mignon kebabs slowly begin to trickle out.

Over at Balls on The Roll it is, as Jeff describes, ‘a ghost town.’

Soon the Jedi Council and The Food Truck Master begin to assess the various offerings from each of the trucks. It is decided that Paul Stanley’s wrap outshined the ‘bagel and cream cheese’ taste of Big Chris’ lobsterless lobster wrap and Mary Beth’s ginger and lime chicken wrap seemed more like ‘left-overs’ when contrasted against filet mignon but, Darth Giada insists, ‘She described it really well, though.’

Orchid continues on the path to the Plain Brown Closet Door To Nowhere as she is once more said to get ‘overshadowed by bigger personalities’ and her adobo pork is sour tasting compared to the ‘fantastic’ and redemptive shrimp taco from Jyll or the powerhouse ‘Vic Magic’ Phillirito from Vic.

Ready to finally taste some balls, the Jedi Council concur with The Food Truck Master that Jeff’s balls were ‘a big mouthful of flavour’ and Darth Giada says ‘This was visually very appealing to me.’ Bob T believes they were ‘pillowy soft.’ Susie’s albondigas soup ‘really shows Susie’s soul,’ Lord Flay admits but The Master feels someone could be ‘completely lost’ because Susie did not describe her dish in an adequate fashion. Spicy balls in a broth, Tyler. How difficult is that? Bob T feels it was a shame that the concept of balls drove the tons of 150 people away as the dishes were ‘fantastic.’ Except for the ‘thick and dull’ falafel from Cold Steel Whitney. That was not fantastic.

What was also not fantastic is the manner in which the programme was edited to show only the joy and love and camaraderie of Team Soylent Green. Where was Big Chris, in a bit of a mood after being arrogantly told ‘You guys are not doing it’ – whatever ‘it’ may have been – standing  at the open back door of the truck and harshly chastising Paul Stanley by saying ‘We’re doing all the cooking, all the serving – you’re doing one thing right now!?’ And did we miss the special over-used Star Challenge, or was that inclusive of the Camera Challenge part with Tyler The Food Truck Master Florence?

Moving into the elimination, the Padawans gather, as always, in the Council Chambers and we must wait through a dramatic tracking shot and some exciting string music before Lord Flay announces, to the surprise of everyone, that ‘only one of you can be The Next Food Network Star’ because it’s a statement which doesn’t take into account the later additions to the Food Network and Cooking Channel family of theoretically non-winning Padawans such as Kelsey Nixon, Tom Pizzica, Adam Gertler, Jeffrey Saad or the renegade Nathan Lyon, not to mention those former ‘fan favourites’ who have recently returned for Chopped All-Stars or the unannounced Padawan who slipped under the wire on 24 Hour Restaurant Battle.

Darth Giada tells Team Soylent Green that ‘the wrap concept was a good one’ but it is clear to Big Chris that ‘there were times where service suffered maybe a little bit’ and Paul Stanley smiles knowingly. Mary Beth concurs that the nonchalant behaviour of slowly and methodically making the filet mignon kebab wraps ‘delayed service at the very beginning’ and Paul Stanley immediately defends herself by saying ‘there was a lot more to it than just putting a glop of, you know, your lobster salad inside of a wrap this big’ and then she holds her fingers approximately four inches apart to illustrate to them just how big ‘this big’ is. She then goes on a with a droning litany of I Did This & I Did That and when it comes to how she had to chop onions Mary Beth finally steps in and announces that she had helped with that task. Paul Stanley asks if she is referring to the help Mary Beth provided after the majority of the tasks were accomplished by the lone hands of Paul Stanley and Mary Beth argues the point with her (and rightfully so, because she is quite correct). Unfortunately the Jedi Council are rolling their eyes and sighing and shifting in their seats at the contentious atmosphere which seems to always envelope everything Paul Stanley does or says.

At last a defensive Mary Beth states ‘You asked me, I’m answering’ and begins to show obvious annoyance at the argumentative nature of her arrogant teammate until Paul Stanley, in a display of maturity and decorum, lashes out at Mary Beth and makes an angry cat noise at her which, in turn, makes Mary Beth ask, ‘Excuse me?’ This prompts Lord Flay to observe with some annoyance of his own, ‘You guys are at each other’s throats, man’ and Darth Giada just shakes her head.

‘She’s saying things,’ Mary Beth explains to him, ‘that are sort of half-truths.’

‘You know, Penny,’ Lord Flay folds his hands whilst he speaks. ‘If we had to pick one person who has the most animosity towards them, it has to be you.’

‘We are a Food Network family,’ Darth Giada admonishes her. ‘You have to get along with people behind the scenes.’

‘I’ll focus on that more, given the opportunity,’ Paul Stanley responds in perhaps the longest way of saying Whatever I have heard in a very long time.

Despite her irksome and on-going antagonism, her food is given high marks. And Big Chris, smiling at the mention of his lobster wrap, is immediately deflated when Darth Giada say it was ‘nasty.’ Lord Flay twists the knife further, telling him ‘You just killed it, dude.’ And, just after their Charlie’s Angels-style advert is called ‘a little juvenile’ by Bob T, Mary Beth is told by Darth Giada (perhaps a bit more on the vicious side than was really necessary) that her ginger-lime chicken wrap ‘ just seemed uninspired and bland and boring.’

The Fierce Food Fusion truck – Team Yellow – are mostly praised for having a fun and engaging advertisement, except for the part with Orchid in it, and Jyll’s redemptive shrimp Po’ Boy redeemed her from the Wisconsinite taco of last week whilst Vic has, in the eyes of Darth Giada, moved from ‘being a dark horse in this competition to really being a contender.’ Orchid, as suspected, is said by Lord Flay to have started ‘kinda fading in the background a little bit’ and Bob T, after helpfully saying she is at a ‘simmer’ whilst everyone round her is at ‘full boil,’ confesses ‘Unfortunately, I didn’t like your dish as much, especial compared to the other two dishes that we had on your truck.’  Dark ominous music. Orchid stares.

Moving on quickly to Team Blue Balls on The Roll – Team Loverboy – Bob T scolds them for ‘a sophomoric joke that you repeated over and over and over again.’  Cold Steel Whitney defends the concept, explaining ‘I thought it was fun, I thought it was funny’ and, when Darth Giada scoffs at this with pursed lips and raises up a perfectly manicured eyebrow, Cold Steel Whitney demands, ‘I’m funny, Giada.’ Lord Flay leans on his right hand and pinches the bridge of his nose between a thumb and forefinger. Bob T tells Cold Steel Whitney that she must no longer be the student and become the master if she intends to become a powerful Jedi. ‘Your falafel was very mushy,’ Lord Flay delivers the last blow.

As for Susie’s albondigas soup, Lord Flay must admit ‘the chorizo broth was amazing to me.’ Darth Giada feels, however, that she cannot simply yell out ‘Albondigas soup’ because it ‘doesn’t say anything to anybody.’

‘You have knowledge of a lot of things,’ Lord Flay suggests, ‘that most people don’t in this country. You can use these ingredients to tell your story.’

‘I want to get there,’ Susie tells him.

Jeff is told that he ‘is so much better’ than the person ‘doing schtick’ about Balls on The Roll, and his meatball not only ‘went over very well,’ according to Lord Flay, but Darth Giada feels she must tell him ‘I was so charmed. Charmed by a meatball, which doesn’t happen often for this girl right here.’ I can imagine. I’ve seen her husband.

Clearly the winners this week are Susie, Vic – the overall champion – and once again rather unfortunately, the pre-determined antagonist Paul Stanley who will be moving on to the possibly exciting episode next week if it doesn’t suck and isn’t cunningly edited to extricate the enticing bits we see in the teasers but never actually see in the programme such as Bob T castigating someone by saying ‘I don’t know if America is going to love you’ or Lord Flay telling someone ‘You have no excuses’ that we didn’t see in this episode.

At the bottom this week are a clearly vexed and perplexed Mary Beth, a none too shocked Orchid, and an unflinching Cold Steel Whitney. Jeff, saved by his pillowy soft and charming meatballs, will move ahead as will Big Chris and Jyll – something which appears to come as quite an unwelcome surprise to Paul Stanley.  Mary Beth, Orchid and Cold Steel Whitney are asked to leave the Council Chambers so that the Jedi may decide their fate, however, with only two minutes remaining in the programme, that deliberation is uncannily brief and very much a re-tread of everything the Jedi have been saying from the first episode some eight months ago when this season began: Cold Steel Whitney must, rather counter-intuitively, stop listening to what the Jedi want and begin being herself; Orchid is warm and draws attention but seems unable to hold that attention amongst bigger personalities; Mary Beth has not been consistent and not shown ‘lots of good food.’

When they are called back to the Council Chambers, with mere seconds to go, Bob T delivers the stunner to Mary Beth that she is safe despite the minor diversion created during the Council deliberation.

‘Oh,’ she looks as though she’d been slapped and says in a bewildered manner, ‘Wow. Thanks…’

Then the camera pans dramatically across the stern faces of the Jedi Council as the echoing hip hop drum machine ticks away in monotonous 4/4 time. ‘The finalist that will be going home tonight,’ Bob T sadly announces as we pause for more drumming, ‘is Orchid.’

‘This will not be the last time you see me,’ she smiles, knowing she will likely have a programme on The Cooking Channel someday after passing through the Plain Brown Closet Door To Nowhere.

Possibly sealing her fate for next week, Cold Steel Whitney tells us from the BNR that ‘The only person who’s going to fight for me here, in the end, is me. And so, I have to be myself and I have to bring it a hundred per cent from now on,’ though she does not define what ‘it’ is she is bringing.

Next week, in a bunch of things we probably won’t see either, Lord Flay introduces his Master, The Emperor, Chef Wolfgang Puck (who says ‘Hallo!’) and indicates that ‘The stakes this week are higher than they ever have been before.’ Big Chris, with an clear sense of irritation, will demand ‘Yo! Why did you turn this up without telling me!?’ He will then go on to possibly explain to someone other than a disinterested Vic, ‘I call it sabotage. I think someone tried to ruin my dessert.’  Lord Flay will maybe announce ‘Two of you will be going home’ and hold up two fingers to show them how many two is. Vic will perhaps break the heart of Darth Giada and Vic might tell her ‘I feel ya’ which, no doubt, is something many viewers would like to say to Darth Giada. Bob T may or may not cry that he feels for Vic and Vic will shake his head and groan with loathing. Jyll could likely have a sweet corn risotto which may prompt Emperor Puck to ask ‘Can I come and show you how to make a risotto?’ to the chagrin of Lord Flay. Jyll could potentially say ‘I was absolutely mortified’ and Lord Flay might even tell someone he does not know how to straighten them out. Jyll may have tears in her eyes. Bob T could tell them, ‘The time for glimmering is past – you gotta shine’ and Susie might cry and look as though she is blowing her nose in her hand.

Maybe.

We’ll see…

Theoretically Liveblogging The Next Food Network Star v7.5

Little by painfully little the playing field has narrowed from the original 15  – yes, count ‘em  15 – Padawans to a more manageable and certainly more realistic  number, yet it still feels that, at an agonising 90 minutes for nearly every episode, this new season won’t ever really come to an end anytime soon. And so far no clear front-runner has broken ahead making it all the more frustrating as there seems little recourse for the viewer other than to count the minutes until pre-determined antagonist Paul Stanley is finally eliminated, which just can’t happen quickly enough in my opinion. I think Ms Busy summed it up best last week (in reference to Jyll) when she said, ‘I don’t necessarily want to watch that show.’ I don’t think anyone necessarily wants to watch that show unless you are an unfortunate janitor from the Gizmonic Institute or unsuspecting worker from a temp agency who suddenly finds themselves trapped on a small orbiting space station with a handful of mirthful robot companions and nothing more to do with your time.

So morning at the palatial mountain stronghold finds Cold Steel Whitney ringing up her mum for words of guidance and encouragement after being shaken by the events of last week. Thankfully the producers indicate that Whitney is on the telephone with her mother by offering a helpful note on the bottom on the screen reading

On the phone: Whitney’s Mom

because they felt it was probably horribly confusing to the viewers when Whitney says inquisitively into her phone, ‘Mamma?’ and got a response of ‘Hi, Sweetheart!’ from a clearly matronly and caring female voice.

Also, matronly Paul Stanley, the Middle-Eastern Mamma (oh wow, sorry, there’s that sound again), tells us there is still quite a bit of tension she is primarily responsible for cultivating within the palatial mountain stronghold between herself and the ‘clique of Susie, Jyll and Mary Beth’ and she would really rather not have to deal with the drama she is primarily responsible for. She will not ‘stand there and take it,’ she insists from the solace of the BNR (the Blue Netherworld Room, for those of you just joining in the Reindeer Games) because she is Here To Win ™ exactly like the other Padawans in the competition. If she wasn’t, she’d still be selling Avon products.

Arriving via Black Ops SUVs at Mel’s Drive-In in the heart of Hollywood, Vic wonders, as do the rest of the Padawans along for the ride, who they will meet next. In that they are at a Drive-In, one might think it would be fairly obvious that former Padawan and the winner of The Next Food Network Star season 2, Guy Fieri, will be arriving as he is shown to do in the teaser trailers where he asks, ‘What’s up, finalists?’ whilst everyone screams in delight.

As if on cue, a candy apple red Chevy Camaro convertible pulls up and, as expected, Guy Fieri asks, ‘What’s up, finalists?’ whilst everyone screams.

Justin seems to feel that Guy is ‘the guy that all of us are here to emulate’ which, for me, would be the immediate end of my time watching virtually anything on the Food Network if everyone began to emulate Guy Feiri. The thought of Paula Deen sporting spikey dyed hair, a bowling shirt, and enough ‘bling’ to embarrass the most ardent gansta just doesn’t sit well with me. Y’all. Guy is one of those people I can only take in very tiny doses. Though I rooted for him to win in season 2 (after Carissa was sadly introduced to Mr Exit Door), back when he still had some humility, his irritating ‘schtick’ of being the loud, swaggering, big shot, rock star punk now grates hugely on my nerves. Just once I would like to see a former Padawan relate to the new hopefuls on a more personal and reassuring level and to take more of an understanding ‘I’ve Been There’ attitude instead of being the Stepford Stars they often appear to have become.  

Guy explains to them that the…

…say it with me…

…Camera Challenge…

…will be for the Padawans to pretend to host a segment of Guy’s programme called  Barefoot Contessa Diners, Drive-Ins & Dives. In a somewhat unusual move, they will be divided into five teams of two (because there are now only ten Padawans and not the ungainly and uneven number of the original 15 – yes, count ‘em 15 – Padawans). The segments they will pretend to host are The Show Open (or Opening for those of you who, like me, prefer the correct tense with their verbs) hosted by Susie and Vic, Interview 1 hosted by Big Chris and Cold Steel Whitney, Interview 2 with Jeff and Paul Stanley, Interview 3 conducted by Orchid and Mary Beth, and finally The Show Close (or Closing), featuring Jyll and Justin.

Each interview will be two minutes long and each Padawan will have four takes to get it right, so about 8 minutes per Padawan (should they need it), or 48 minutes total. The Opening and Closing segments will be 15 seconds, also with four opportunities to get them right, which translates to two minutes, thus making the entire time spent on the Mel’s Drive-In segment about 50 minutes or possibly more including time to set the cameras for each take. If it were Garza Mean Time, it would be 19 minutes of talk time and 31 minutes of smiling at the camera.

It must have been an uneventful hour as the entire segment was compressed to about 9 minutes (excluding an advertising break) in which Big Chris failed to understand the concept of ‘blocking,’ Vic walked like Frankenstein’s monster, Cold Steel Whitney took a giant bite out of a hamburger, Mary Beth was too much the journalist, Orchid would not stop talking, Justin just wasn’t really Justin and – shocking as it may seem – Paul Stanley comes across as ‘domineering,’ ‘aggressive,’ ‘self-centred’ and frequently cut people off when they were talking.

And, perhaps even more importantly, no mention of a winner was ever made. But to side-step that issue completely and ‘keep this party goin,’ we are rushed straight away into the equally tired and over-used Star Challenge which, this time, is a Fourth of July All-American Food Festival sponsored by yet another Big Corporate Sponsor to make each episode feel more like a 90 minute ad-placement infommercial. And I’m still trying to work out the logistics of  how they managed to accomplish a Fourth of July Food Festival when this series is typically filmed months ahead of time, unless it was done last Fourth of July or if they celebrate the occasion at an much earlier date in California. Maybe it’s all a Time Zone thing. ‘We want to see,’ Guy explains to them, ‘just how creative you can be with All-American classics’ just like Paul Stanley was with her delightfully rancid Mac & Cheese. And, because it appears to be a favoured or possibly even some sort of symbolic number for the Food Network, the Padawans are charged with putting their own ‘culinary twists’ on a variety of All-American Classics for 150 ‘Hungry,’ Guy insists, ‘Food Network fans.’

As usual they will have forty-five minutes to shop at Whole Foods and be forced to pay retail prices for their items again and then will be given 2 hours to cook before they have to wrap everything up and return to the palatial mountain stronghold – because that last hour of pretending to host a programme that wasn’t theirs was clearly exhausting – but  not before Guy hands out the dishes upon which they will put their ‘culinary twist.’

Vic gets a lobster roll. Mary Beth gets barbecue chicken and potato salad. Sausage and peppers and her nemesis macaroni salad go to Paul Stanley to burn. Beer (provided by the Big Corporate Sponsor) and pretzels go to Jeff. Carne asada and pico de gallo (or, as it is also known, salsa fresca) does not go to Susie, but rather to Jyll. Hot dog and baked beans go to Cold Steel Whitney. Hamburger and watermelon go to Justin. Susie gets pork ribs and Cole slaw. Brisket and Mac & Cheese go to a stunned Orchid who is concerned because by her estimation it takes 15 hours to make a good brisket and she is now competing against Paul Stanley in the macaroni department. And then shrimp and corn on the cob go to Big Chris.

Once they arrive at Whole Foods, Jeff expresses his concern over Orchid’s seemingly ridiculous need to culinarily twist an actual brisket and tells us from the BNR that he would have used tri-tip or flank steak because they have a similar flavour profile and have no need for exorbitant cooking times. And there is clearly some confusion at the meat counter when Orchid asks the butcher, ‘How much brisket do you have?’ as the producers felt it was necessary to offer a translation for us at the bottom of the screen with the words

How much brisket do you have?

in case it might be unclear in some way as to Orchid’s desire to learn just how much brisket the butcher might, indeed, have had.

Because this is a solo challenge, Paul Stanley is confident that she can show the Jedi Council that she has no need for ‘You know, Cheech and Chong around me to make things happen.’ Of course she didn’t have, you know, Cheech and Chong around her to make her cauterised Mac & Cheese fail last week and certainly, you know, Cheech and Chong had no part in any of her other dishes, so I cannot see where the lack of, you know, Cheech and Chong would be of benefit to her. If anything, you know, Cheech and Chong might make her seem less dour and unpleasant. Because there are few things less attractive than a stocky, swarthy and reasonably hostile Middle Eastern Mamma with, as a new reader here recently pointed out, ‘a face for radio’ who feels that she is ‘all that’ and a bag of crisps.

Back at the palatial mountain stronghold where, Paul Stanley tells us, ‘the mood is so weird,’ she continues to win friends and influence people by endlessly whinging and sniping about how ‘all the girls’ want to see her go home. Oh, Paul. That’s just crazy talk. It’s not just ‘all the girls.’ I’d say almost everybody wants to see you go home. Finally, an irritated Jyll steps in and tries to rationally explain to her that no-one, in fact, was talking about her and that ‘If you feel alienated from us or you don’t feel like part of the house, what you need to realise is, if you behave a certain way people back off.’

‘Well I’m definitely dramatic,’ Paul Stanley replies to Jyll in an understatement of epic proportions. ‘I am overly confident and cocky. Absolutely. If I’m emotional it’s gonna come out. If I’m dramatic, it’s gonna come out.’

‘There are consequences to your actions—’

‘I understand! But I’m taking a lot of heat in the house—’

‘Who cares!?’ Jyll cries in agitation.

‘It is ridiculous!’ Paul insists, slapping her hands on the table. ‘It- is-enough! I’m done with it! This is more drama than I need, more drama than I want… I just… I’m done with it!’

This, kids, is why people with an inflated sense of self and a falsely stratospheric sense of personal entitlement are impossible to argue with. They create drama, manipulate those around them, and then, as Jyll so aptly pointed out previously ‘play the victim’ to such a degree that they refuse to recognise the damage they have done and blame others for their self-inflicted perceived misfortunes.

The next morning, the Padawans arrive at ‘The Ranch’ – a place we’ve only just now found out about – to prepare, as returning season 2 winner Guy Feiri tells them, for their ‘Big Fourth of July All-American Off the Hook Food Festival!’ at some ranch. He also informs them that ‘tons of people’ (which is apparently the most recent definition of 150) will soon be ‘rolling in’ for some All-American food – All-American food just like Paul Stanley’s All-American lamb kebab with souvlaki sauce and tabouleh which is anything but All-American! – and for some great entertainment. Everybody cheers. And just who, you may ask, would that great entertainment be? None other than the Padawans themselves, says Guy. Everyone stares.

‘You’re going to have three minutes,’ Guy explains in such a way that it seems as if he is about to pee himself in anticipation, ‘to do a cooking demonstration and exercise all of your Star Power to attract people to pay attention to what you’re doing and direct them over to your culinary centre.’ And he points to the stage upon which they will be performing. Everyone stares.

Fortunately there are all manner of ridiculous props and patriotic-looking nonsense from which the Padawans get to choose and utilise to further humiliate themselves.

‘Flood gates open’ Paul Stanley then explains from the serenity of the BNR ‘and people are making a mad dash to us.’ And by ‘mad dash’ she means that people are lumbering towards them casually like extras in the background of The Walking Dead. Amongst those making this so-called ‘mad dash’ are Bob Tuschman, Susie Fogelson, and Dark Lord of The Sith, Bobby Flay who seat themselves at a nearby table for a front row seat to the debacle.

Big Chris runs short on time because he did not recognise ‘the hand thing’ when the director indicated with an open hand that he only had five seconds left and it seems he did not pause to take a breath throughout his presentation. Jyll, admitting to the audience that she knew next to nothing about carne asada, ‘teeters,’ Susie Fogelson says, ‘on artificiality.’ Susie’s presentation was essentially flawless. Jeff scored big for the most part but may have lagged a bit in the middle after an over-the-top beginning. Orchid hit all her requisite points but was, according to Susie Fogelson, ‘low energy.’ Vic, sporting a Pippi Longstocking wig to soften his look, endears himself enormously to the crowd and got Susie Fogelson ‘so choked up’ over his brief story regarding his grandmother and a midget rolling pin. Even Guy Fieri has to admit that ‘My whole opinion of whether or not I think Vic Vegas could win this just changed just now.’

On the polar opposite side of the spectrum, Paul Stanley (described by Orchid as ‘a car wreck’) confesses from the BNR sanctuary that ‘as I’m watching everybody, it seems like they’re falling asleep.’ Even her stealing a variation of Mary Beth’s Every girl has a little room in her life for some extra pork line (at which, only last week, Paul Stanley chafed and declared the attempt at humour was ‘a bit much’) by stating ‘Everybody needs a little lamb in their life’ couldn’t bring her presentation back from the abyss. The Jedi Council were unanimous in believing she fell flat and that it was awkward to watch.

Cold Steel Whitney ‘roused this audience’ according to Susie Fogelson and admitted that she had no desire to see Dark Lord Flay without his pants no matter how good the hot dog was. Justin, unfortunately, is ‘adopting an entirely different personality,’ Jyll notes, and the Jedi Council don’t seem to recognise or comprehend what he is trying to do. ‘You need to work organically with the energy of the crowd,’ Mary Beth says of her presentation and, following her own advice, she surprises the Jedi Council who praise her performance as ‘funny, endearing’ and say that she is ‘so natural and so good at this.’ Even Lord Flay, still wearing pants, concludes that ‘I thought Mary Beth was really terrific.’

When it comes to feeding the 150 ‘tons of people,’ however, Mary Beth’s culinary twist on barbecue chicken, although cooked, isn’t getting quite as crispy as she would have liked it to be. Paul Stanley is, somewhat astonishingly, selling people on her anything but All-American kebab that bears no resemblance at all to the sausage and macaroni salad dish she was originally given. Justin is having difficulty getting his food finished and out on the table in a timely manner and is called out by Guy Fieri for, essentially, pulling a curious Jekyll and Hyde routine by suddenly not being the same ‘Mac daddy throw it down taking names’ person he was just pretending to be a few minutes before. The new pre-determined protagonist Jyll tries to tie her version of carne asada to her Wisconsin roots which prompts Paul Stanley to hiss ‘Come on! Do you have anything else besides the Packers and cheese to go on!?’ Clearly she does not recognise, as is so common amongst entitled people, that all she has been going on is her Mediterranean and Middle Eastern cuisine. And though I would happily drive hours out of my way to get a serious pile of gyros and tzatziki and could probably live on only tabouleh, Paul Stanley ought to learn just how the words ‘pot,’ ‘kettle,’ and ‘black’ might work in her statement. Ultimately, though, Jyll’s attempt to put a Wisconsin ‘culinary twist’ on her carne asada prompts Lord Flay to announce, ‘This is like… somebody’s five year old made this taco.’

Cold Steel Whitney has continued to impress the Jedi Council and Bob T feels she has elevated her simple hot dog dish into ‘four or five star region.’ Vic has given a very successful ‘Vegas spin’ to his lobster and it seems to be working for the Jedi Council. Orchid’s special two hour brisket she was concerned about is, as Lord Flay indicates, ‘thirteen hours undercooked.’  Jeff’s pretzel-coated chicken sliders finally put him in the proper rank of Sandwich King. Susie, thus far, continues to shine throughout the day, delivering a dish that perfectly represents her CPOV and Big Chris offers a fairly flavourful dish but his continuous chattering and apologising for what he did wrong the last time he was faced with the Jedi Council – which was to ignore everyone but Lord Flay – now makes The Dark Lord cringe and look as though he is searching for the nearest exit.

After what seems to have been 69 minutes, the Padawans finally assemble before the Jedi Council for their evaluation. Just prior, however, Orchid confesses from the BNR that she feel she is going home, though I believe that honour will be going to someone else this evening. And as much as I really want it to be Paul Stanley, my guess is that, after the bit of misdirection last week, Justin has at last sabotaged his chances of being crowned as The Next Food Network Star with his multiple personality disorder.

Straight away, Bob T helpfully explains to any of the Padawans who may not have  noticed that the challenge they just finished only moments ago was to ‘take a classic American summer dish and then re-invent it with your own culinary spin’ precisely like Paul Stanley didn’t by entirely tossing out the sausage and peppers and macaroni salad she had been tasked with re-inventing and making a completely Greek dish that had nothing whatever to do with All-American food – or even with the nature of the challenge – which not a single person appears to have bothered to notice and could not be bothered to comment upon.

Susie Fogelson happily tells the collected Padawans that some of them shone brightly during the challenge – some often quite surprisingly so – by impressing the tons of 150 people with their often ‘creative approach to some of our favourite summertime foods’ exactly like Paul Stanley didn’t make whilst others, of course, ‘fell flat in your performances and your food.’

‘Obviously,’ Lord Flay admonishes them, ‘the pressure is really on. My suggestion to all of you is not to hold anything back when you talk to us today. This could be your last chance.’

Susie has very clearly made her best showing this week and has ‘unlocked the key to being a Food Network Star,’ Bob T tells her (though one would presume she unlocked the door or found the key because it’s difficult to unlock a key). Susie Fogelson wants to go where Big Chris is going ‘but not always for the right reasons,’ making me think there’s a bit of a bad girl inside that tight red dress and low-cut top, and Lord Flay enjoyed the corn. Orchid, not surprisingly, was one of the Padawans who ‘fell flat’ this  week but at least her bland and unseasoned Mac & Cheese wasn’t like eating a bowl of  charred hate. In sharp contrast, Cold Steel Whitney ‘very happily surprised’ the Jedi Council by at last shedding her Cold Steel persona and presenting them with one of the best dishes of the day even though she did not want to see Lord Flay without his pants.

As anticipated, Justin is harshly judged by Bob T for his confusing display of  multiple personalities and for making it impossible for the Council to understand what he was hoping to achieve. ‘What will win you… what will win anybody the competition,’ Bob T explains to him, ‘is authenticity. To me, that was the exact opposite.’ Lord Flay also suggests that Justin’s culinary twist on the classic All-American hamburger was far less than stellar, saying  ‘The world was your oyster with that burger and you didn’t take it.’  Justin nods, as the music becomes suddenly dark and ominous.

Vic has greatly impressed the Council – especially Susie Fogelson – by being ‘so Vic’ and for creating the favourite meal of the day. Conversely, Jyll’s admission of having no knowledge of Mexican cuisine was a critical misstep for her and was evident in her Wisconsinite carne asada. Susie Fogelson constructively suggests ‘You’re very poised and you’re very focussed almost like a newscaster might be, which is not the Jyll that warms me up and brings me in.’ And although Jyll explains that she is trying to show authority and ‘still be who I am,’ Lord Flay feels he must concede ‘I think that you can do television, I’m not sure you’re ready to do Food television yet,’ and for the first time our normally perky new pre-determined protagonist actually glares at the Dark Lord as if momentarily sizing up his midi-chlorians for future reference and I think I am in love.

Jeff is congratulated for taking ‘a huge risk’ with his high-energy performance and for making a sandwich even a Sith Lord could love. Mary Beth, according to Bob T was ‘pretty flawless’ with the one tiny caveat of not having crisped her barbecue chicken very well – a reasonably minor infraction compared to the strength of her overall performance. But despite Mary Beth’s strong showing, the Oscar goes to Paul Stanley for Outstanding Performance as a Snivelling Castrating Bitch (Limited Series) for her portrayal of a frumpy Middle Eastern woman who ‘shook off my insecurities’ to let love in:

‘The first time I actually felt love,’ she whimpers, her voice cracking, ‘was when I was behind there [meaning her ‘culinary centre’] and the people were coming over and they were being affectionate… but you come home and you feel negative energy and, you know, sitting down having an interaction with Jyll—’

‘But I think you missed the point,’ Jyll nearly laughs in her sad, dark face at the sheer audacity. ‘On behalf of all of us, I can say “WOW!”’  

‘This is crazy,’ Mary Beth shakes her head.

‘Don’t roll your eyes, okay?’ Paul Stanley turns on her.

‘You are the most entitled person I have ever met in my life!’ Jyll explodes.

‘I’m confident!’ Paul Stanley defends her position.

‘No-no-no-no-no!’ Jyll vigorously objects.

‘What is entitled?’ Paul insists. ‘I’m the only one who goes home, washes dishes, I’m in the kitchen—’ Mary Beth looks perplexed by this obvious fabrication and even Big Chris is beginning to look as though he wants to join the smack down.

‘If you feel like… like you’re in a corner,’ Susie explains to a raging Paul Stanley, ‘it’s because you put yourself there.’

Whilst Lord Flay rests his weary head in his left hand, eyelids drooping sleepily with visions of roasting Ewoks dancing in his head, Susie Fogelson interrupts to say, ‘You know, listen. I get you. She is aggressive, she is ambitious and she will walk on you. But she’s still a human being that lives in this house with you guys and I feel like you gotta talk about some stuff.’ Paul Stanley wipes her eyes at these kind words of love. And then Susie goes on to say that ‘You have an opportunity to take these foods that you know so well and love so much and share that. And when you bring that, you are a competitor. When you do what you did this week, I find it very hard to see a future with you.’

Paul Stanley pouts, realising that perhaps she did need, you know, Cheech and Chong as Lord Flay, roused from his nap, explains that the Jedi Council must now deliberate and banishes the Padawans from the Council Chambers. But not before he tells Vic, Jeff, and Susie that they are safe and crowns Susie as the champion of the challenge. Susie Fogelson then adds that, though they ‘weren’t in the top this week,’ she would like to see more of Mary Beth, Cold Steel Whitney, and Big Chris, if only to go where he’s going for all the wrong reasons. She also tells Paul Stanley that, regardless of her shockingly shit performance and her melodramatics, she is also safe  – and still not a single word is said about the fact that she did not honour the nature of the challenge other than making a vaguely phallic kebab in place of sausage. Glad there are things like rules to be followed…

So Justin, Orchid, and Jyll are asked to leave whilst the Council determine their fates. It is the usual fare of comparing the so-called ‘rigidity and an eternal perkiness’ of Jyll against the The Man Who Wasn’t There performance of Justin and the perception of backsliding or simply treading water from Orchid. And when the final three are called back into the room, Lord Flay tells them that ‘This competition is really heating up.’ He must mean the competition on Extreme Chef. ‘You have to bring your A game,’ he tells them, ‘to every competition, every week.’ And, because the so-called A game he brought this week seemed to belong to someone else, Justin, as I anticipated, will be shown to the Plain Brown Closet Door to Nowhere. Too bad, really. But he understood what he did wrong just exactly like Paul Stanley doesn’t and accepts his fate with good grace. Meanwhile, Orchid is dooming herself by trying to figure just out how she is supposed to continue to be the theoretical ‘front runner’ she was labelled in the very first episode.

Perhaps the bigger question dangling unanswered is, what happened to Darth Giada this week?

Next week, kids, Tyler Florence tells the Padawans they are ‘gonna have a food truck face off’ (but not with Paula Deen because that was so last season). Cold Steel Whitney asks, ‘What’s the differenc?’ and tells them to shush. Susie will tell us that ‘Whitney is a control freak.’ Paul Stanley will continue to shine as Best Actress in a Supporting Role as a Complete Bitch and say ‘You guys are not doing it’ and will force Big Chris to tell her ‘We’re doing all the cooking, all the serving – you’re doing one thing right now!’  Mary Beth will say, ‘You asked me; I’m answering’ and Paul Stanley, in a rich display of maturity in what I hope will be her farewell performance, will lash out at her and make an angry cat noise. ‘Excuse me,’ an incredulous Mary Beth will ask. Darth Giada, recently returned from Korriban, will insist that ‘We are a Food Network family. You have to get along with people.’ Bob T will admit ‘I don’t know if America is going to love you’ and Lord Flay will tell someone ‘You have no excuses.’ And finally a certain dish will be…nasty.

Me-ow.

Ratio Absentis Duae

The continuing saga continues, lest you believe I’d forgotten and just left you clinging on perilously after only addressing the first issue you weren’t that interested in…

The Monday just prior to Halloween last year (that would be 2010 for those of you playing along at home) I walked into the liquor store to discover I no longer had a job. I’m still not completely certain just why it happened (but I have some ideas), though in retrospect I don’t particularly care. My brief two-year stint as a lackey at Liqu-O-Rama had been largely unpleasant and, as long time readers may recall, eerily foreshadowed by major aspects of my life crumbling to dust all round me like some great crumbly thing.

The coffeehouse I’d owned unravelled quite spectacularly (for reasons I will perhaps go into another time) and left me with close to a quarter of a million dollars in debt and two suddenly very absent ‘partners’ who left me holding the weighty financial bag entirely on my own.  Shortly before the height of my life’s dream coming to a slow, agonising and painfully catastrophic end, I had been a manager at Dribble & Whizz, a competing liquor chain and long time rival of Liqu-O-Rama. I had been there for fifteen years. And then one dreary and grey February morning in 2008 I returned from making the bank deposit to find one of the owners waiting anxiously to tell me that I no longer had a job because, as he explained it, they had somehow found themselves in the somewhat  unenviable position of having too many managers and not enough stores and so if I could please just hand over my keys and toddle on my merry way as quickly as humanly possible that would be just great.

In that the precedent for being rather curtly cut adrift had already been set, being let go from the shitty gig at Liqu-O-Rama didn’t leave me reeling the way it did the first time round from Dribble & Whizz, though I was still a bit shocked at the untimely and obscure nature of it. Because I’d not taken the small vacation time I had amassed, nor used the three paid ‘sick days’ I was allocated, I exited with a couple of decent ‘extra’ cheques which, when added to the remainder of my student  loan for that term, meant I would have a fairly small albeit reasonable financial buffer prior to unemployment cheques beginning to trickle in.

However, shortly after I had filed my unemployment information, I received a letter from The State requesting ‘additional information.’ They were unsatisfied, it seemed, with ‘no reason’ as a reason for my abrupt departure from Liqu-O-Rama despite the fact that this is an ‘at will’ state – meaning that you can be rather curtly cut adrift from any job at any time and for absolutely no reason whatsoever. Because of the need for additional information, my request for unemployment assistance would be placed in suspension pending review. And if I could just get that additional information to them within the next ten days, that’d be just great.

The problem, however, was that I found myself at something of a loss, as I would be later when submitting numerous job applications, as to just how to respond to this request . Should I simply proclaim that I had worked for an unimaginably thick and backwards company that embraced mediocrity and rewarded sloth and ignorance? Or should I explain that, because I am typically a Type A/B personality, my fundamental desire to maintain a store that was neat, clean, and well organised, and one in which products are both properly and correctly priced and thoughtfully merchandised, had run counter to company policy? 

There seemed to be no concise or simple method of fully encapsulating the ridiculous sequence of events between March (when I assumed control of The Party Store from Nardo, the previous manager) and October 2010 which seemed to suffice. After a day of contemplation, I decided that ‘Store not meeting projected sales goals’ would have to do. Because my faith in the US Postal Service has rather sharply diminished over the years, I went to Staples and faxed the completed additional information request to the Secretary of the Department of Workforce Development and, sometime later in the day, called the telephone number provided on the request to ensure the fax had been received. I was told to call back in a couple of days, as there appeared to be a backlog of faxes and no-one was readily available to sort through them all just now.

So I waited the requisite ‘couple of days’ and rang again on Friday. As it was a Friday, it was explained to me that it’s one of their busiest days – ‘because  we close early’ – and so if I could try again on Monday that would be swell. Needless to say the chaos of Friday was nothing compared to the tumult of business on Monday and it was hours before I finally got through:

‘I don’t see your fax in here,’ I was told by the disinterested State Employee who had just enjoyed a relaxing weekend off. ‘You sure you faxed it to the right number?’

As it was the only fax number provided on the information form, and because I have more than just a passing familiarity with the operation of facsimile devices and, by extension, the attached telephonic equipment, I was reasonably certain, barring a parsing error in the fax/modem handshake, that I had dialled – or, rather punched – the correct number: ‘Pretty sure I did, yeah.’

‘Well, you might want to try it again. Use this number….’

I copied down the number given by the disinterested State Employee (which, to no surprise at all, was precisely the same number as the one on the information request form that I had used the first time) and mentioned to her with some concern that there was a clearly-stated ten day deadline for receipt of the form and that all of this fiddling about waiting had taken up at least half of that time. She recommended that I ring back again later in the day after I’d re-faxed the information request to ensure it had been received just like I did the last time.

The joyful carousel of merriment had come full circle and I returned to Staples and re-faxed the information requests form, waited a couple of hours, and then rang up The State offices again.

‘Yes,’ a completely new and less bored-sounding voice assured me, ‘that information was entered into the system last Friday. Why did you send it twice..?’

About a week later, I received another letter from The State informing me that they would be contacting Liqu-O-Rama for verification of the information I had provided, a process which dragged out for approximately two weeks. When I called Workforce Development in late November to determine the status (because I was being blocked from accessing my information on the The State internet site pending review) I was told that ‘administrative inquiries could delay the process for up to eight weeks.’

I explained to the woman that if this dragged out the full eight weeks I would be living in a cardboard box under a bridge. She assured me that, should things become dire, they would try to expedite matters. Unfortunately the Obama Administration had initiated policy changes to the unemployment system and these sort of checks now happened with more frequency. On the positive side, however, if you weren’t put on hiatus pending an administrative review, the Obama Administration had also initiated policy changes to expedite the unemployment process so that a recipient would wait no more than four weeks for the first of their cheques to arrive and thereby negate the potentiality of  them having to live in a box under a bridge.

Our government inaction…

On Friday, 3 December 2010, almost six weeks since I’d been rather curtly cut adrift, I received yet another letter from The State informing me that Liqu-O-Rama had not offered any response to (and so did not contest) my explanation for termination and, thus, I would be eligible to receive Unemployment Benefits. Well except for just one smallish thing – nothing, really – but I would have to wait an additional week before I could begin filing because I had received an extra paycheque from the little bit of  ‘vacation’ time I had accrued.  And, just one other thing – hardly worth mentioning – but the first week of filing will be factored against that other extra paycheque for the three sick days I’d got paid for.

Finally, by Monday, 13 December, I could begin filing regularly. And if it hadn’t been for the unused portion of my student loan from the fall term and the fact that I’d been excruciatingly frugal with what little savings I had, I would have been living in a box under a bridge. At least The State only require that you submit three job searches per week, because by the time I was finally eligible to file my unemployment vouchers I’d already submitted some two dozen applications and was well stocked with a backlog of information.     

The bigger problem was, I hadn’t heard anything from any of the places to which I’d applied during the early weeks of November other than the occasional perfunctory email acknowledgement of receipt of my application. After having been rather curtly cut adrift from Dribble & Whizz at the beginning of the massive economic meltdown, it was nine months before I finally landed the gig at Liqu-O-Rama. During that time I had very quickly discovered just how much the job market had altered after fifteen years, and the rapid downward spiral of the country certainly wasn’t doing me – or anyone else in a similar position to mine – any favours. At that time I had created profiles on all the major job search web sites, including The State sanctioned site (mandatory for unemployment beneficiaries) and of course the much-advertised and yet completely worthless local site ShitTownHelpWanted.com – ‘Long Name, Amazing Results. And By “Amazing” We Mean the Amount of Cash We Rake in on Advertising Revenue, Not Because You’ll Ever Find a Job Here Amongst the Plethora of Bogus and Out-dated Listings!’

So, I set about the tedious task of updating all my information on the various sites to include my recent tenure at Liqu-O-Rama, including the carefully considered ‘Store not meeting projected sales goals’ (and only when it was absolutely necessary to do so), brushed up my résumé as best as possible and began the irksome undertaking of marketing myself to every place imaginable. On the downside to all of this concerted effort (and that is presuming there is an upside to any of it), because virtually every company has now moved to the cold, faceless, and impersonal process of internet submissions and an applicant is given no follow-up contact information or is highly discouraged from contacting companies with statements implying that attempting to do so ‘may result in unduly hindering the selection process’ (meaning someone would actually have to read your application), a hopeful candidate is often left with no other recourse than to wait.

And wait.

I think the overall process would make a fabulous new game for Zynga to market to Facebook users. It could be called simply UnemploymentVille! And because of the inherent constraints in the nature of game play which, by necessity, would rather limit the abilities of the players, the rules would be fairly straightforward and easily recognised:

In it, a player, known as the Special Human Interface Tool (SHIT), would start off either by losing or not having gainful employment and so would be tasked with attempting to find said gainful employment in a stark and joyless netherworld known as the Deliberately Unpleasant Metropolitan Precinct (DUMP). The player would attempt to search for work via Persistent Livelihood Enhancement and Advancement Duties (PLEAD) which would be easily accomplished by frequently prostrating themselves before the mysterious, oppressive interface called the On-line Resource and Workforce Engagement Liaison Link (ORWELL) which, in turn, would be accessed by the Beneficiary Enquiry Generator (BEG) where a player would then be forced to utilise the Calibrated Remittance of Allocated Weekly Lot (CRAWL).

Almost continuously through each stage of the game, the player would be inundated, entirely at random, by helpful and informative pop-up dialogue boxes which would, naturally, guide them through the DUMP and would often suggest alternative courses of action:

Once a player has gained sufficient confidence in navigating the sometimes difficult and uncertain terrain of the gaming matrix and has managed to accumulate a large enough quantity of self-respect points after utilising the demoralising and demeaning BEG, PLEAD, and CRAWL functions, they could sometimes be presented occasional opportunities, special offers, or perhaps one-time promotions which, needless to say, would not be without their restrictions:

So as not to completely discourage players, and just to keep things lively, alternative and less costly solutions may be recommended. After all, where’s the fun if you don’t keep playing?

…Anyway, as winter turned darker and colder and stretched out interminably into the early months of 2011, nearly fully displacing the anticipated rains and wistful breezes of spring with bitter winds and radical temperature swings, I plodded on through the treacherous minefield of UnemploymentVille, submitting  some 150, possibly more, applications and all the while grappled with the nemesis of The First Three Minutes as inflicted by the evil Doctor Cyclops – as the intrepid reader might recall from the previous instalment you weren’t interested in reading either. Other than one telephone call in mid-December (from The Library – and a story for another time) the months slipped away without the tiniest hint of response from anywhere.

Although I am an honest person – sometimes to a fault and almost always to my own detriment, it seems – and cannot abide lying and deception, I started second guessing myself and became concerned about using Liqu-O-Rama on my applications, thinking it was a death knell, forever dooming me, and part of the reason for the rousing lack of response from prospective employers. And, though it ran counter to my very nature, I opted to delete all references to it on all of my on-line job profiles, omitted it on all subsequent applications and adjusted my résumé accordingly, slightly doctoring the closing date of the coffeehouse to fill in the void. I felt fairly horrible about doing it, but I was feeling even more horrible about not having a job for so long and living on the dole. 

Finally, after months of deafening silence, I was contacted in early March by UPS. It was a ‘pre-interview’ call to determine if 1) I was willing to work second shift hours of approximately 3-9pm (I was), 2) was I capable of lifting 20-35 pounds frequently and up to 75 pounds occasionally (I was), and 3) I had any experience operating a forklift (I did not).

And I never heard from them again.

Oddly, just two days later, I was contacted by FedEx. The very chatty woman I spoke with said she would ordinarily do a telephone pre-interview, but felt my work history and qualifications negated such a silly formality and if I could just go ahead and come in for a real-life sit-down interview within the hour that would be just great. I dropped everything – and by everything I mean the remote control for the TV – and dashed to change. The interview seemed to go exceptionally well, dragging out to well over an hour, and Linda (the very chatty woman and assistant district manager) and I got on quite nicely. But after jumping through the requisite hoops for her amusement like a gaily painted circus poodle and being told with a wink and a nod she would be making a decision ‘very soon,’ the only response I got was a terse email some ten days later explaining that due to a lack of management in a key area at the facility to which I’d applied, there would be no further hiring at this time, but if I wanted to go ahead and re-apply some sunny day when they were hiring again that would be awesome. Thank you for playing.

By this point, well into the fifth month after having been rather curtly cut adrift from Liqu-O-Rama, I was beginning to reach a point of desperation and exasperation from the silence and felt as though I would slide further into insanity if this ordeal went on much longer. To compound the problem, many of the job search sites (like Monster, for example) were sending me weekly ‘alerts’ about exciting new jobs available in my area such as Shift Leader at Dairy Queen, Sandwich Artist at Subway, Hourly Manager – I’m Lovin It! at McDonald’s, or Geophysicist (Depth Imaging and Time Processing) at Petroleum Geo-Services in an undisclosed location in the US. It seemed as though I could have written my résumé in crayon on a piece of construction paper and drawn bunnies and rainbows on it for all the good it was doing me. Although my desire for work (and to live on more than just the embarrassing pittance I was getting from The State) was nearly all-consuming and sometimes drove me to apply for positions I may not have ordinarily considered under traditional circumstances, I was not yet ready to admit defeat and go wear a paper hat.

In the early evening of Tuesday, 29 March, I had an unexpected call from someone I had sort of vaguely once known called Lyndsey. She had been a teller at ‘The Bank’ where I made our daily deposits when I worked for Dribble & Whizz and was now the Human Resources Co-ordinator for one of the local Big Box DIY Megacentre  locations. She had seen my application on their company website and, thinking my name sounded familiar, she thought she might ring me up and see if I was still interested in talking about a job. I told her I most definitely was and, by 8pm, I was sitting across from her in the ‘back office’ (a large table tucked behind padded partitions at the far back of the store) discussing the various options for employment Big Box might be able to offer me.

It was advantageous, Lyndsey explained, that I had applied when I did, as March and April were very nearly the only months Big Box did their hiring due to the necessity  for getting all new personnel trained in time for The Big Spring and Summer Season™.  A slight disadvantage – and there is always a disadvantage – had to do with the fact that Big Box only hired for part-time positions, though the hours varied depending upon the needs of the given departments. The advantage was, she said, that they had several part-time options available from which to choose and any future full-time positions to become available were always filled with part-time staff. Another of the disadvantages, she told me, was that all staff were required to work at least every other week-end. The advantage, however, was that they were paid a ‘Premium’ of an additional $2.50 per hour for their trouble.

Finally she outlined for me the presently available options. Only one of them fitted easily into my current university schedule – Shipping & Receiving – and I met with that department manager who then elaborated on the finer points of the potential job.  Turned out, he explained to me, they were very short-handed at the moment and, because it was ‘the nerve centre’ of Big Box and ‘unlike any other job,’ not only did it pay slightly more than the other departments but I could easily ‘get as many hours’ as I was willing to handle during The Big Spring and Summer Season ™ – so how did that sound?

I considered my options and weighed the advantages and disadvantages. Honestly, after having sacrificed nearly every holiday, week-end, and birthday for the better part of fifteen years to the liquor industry, the disadvantages presented by Big Box were seemingly minimal compared to the even greater disadvantages of continuing to play UnemploymentVille for some indeterminate length of time. And if I had done my calculations correctly (and many of you know by now my rather spotty history with mathematics) it appeared that I could potentially make more with this one part-time position than I could sitting idle at home suckling on the meagre government teat. Certainly nothing could stop me continuing to look for another part-time job or, for that matter, a much more lucrative full-time position whilst employed there, so, after a few moments I said:

‘Sounds great!’

And by ‘great’ I meant ‘apparently I wasn’t listening…’