During the obligatory Let’s Watch Everyone Get Prepped scene in the Townhouse, Teddy explains to us that, last week, emotions got the better of him but that he’s realised his mistakes and is ready to show that he can not be a cry-baby lying two-faced whiny bitch.
Sure.
Piling into the Food Network kitchens, Jamika tells us that she’s afraid every time she sees Dark Lord of The Sith, Bobby Flay – especially when there is a dome involved, because one never knows what lies beneath. And, explaining that this week’s challenge is all about American food, Lord Flay puts the remaining seven Padawans to the test of creating the Ultimate Burger, something Teddy feels is right up his alley – along with being a cry-baby lying two-faced whiny bitch.
Lord Flay explains that he is opening a Bobby’s Burger Palace in Connecticut (how nice for him) and that the winner will have their burger placed on the menu because apparently Lord Flay is hard up for his own ideas. Everyone says ‘Wow’ like they didn’t see this one coming from about ten thousand miles away just like they did two weeks ago when they were told the winners would have their recipes published in Esquire and Good Housekeeping. How many times can someone say ‘Wow’ and act surprised before the sincerity wears off?
Their burgers will be ‘about the regions of America,’ he explains. From the confines of the OSR Melissa further clarifies that these burgers will be about a ‘region or an area of the United States.’ Wow. Lord Flay also explains that they will all get to present their burgers to camera (Michael’s favourite bit) and also to Lord Flay himself and the others on the Jedi Council. They will need to discuss why or how their chosen burger is personal to them and why or how it is the Ultimate Burger.
They will have twenty minutes to create their masterpieces…
Melissa makes a Burlington Burger which will taste like coats and will have Vermont cheddar cheese. Cheese on a burger? Weird. Michael is making a Mulberry Street Burger (from Little Italy in New York) stuffed with Mozzarella cheese and with pancetta on each side. There’s that cheese thing again! Who thinks of these bizarre combinations? Jamika does a Mardi Gras Madness New Orleans Burger spiced with cayenne pepper and coupled with sausage. Debbie is going to create a Cal-Asian Burger (quite a stretch for her – all that Asian stuff) which she describes as something called a ‘bulgogi’ or a Korean barbeque version of a burger. ‘Bulgogi’ is taken from the sound you make as it navigates its way violently and rapidly back up your digestive tract . Jeffrey is going to make a California Convertible Burger which he says will be sweet and spicy and very Californian – in a Mexican sort of way. Teddy wants to make a Pennsylvania Burger (probably with a Yuengling and a bunch of swearing) because he admires the Amish for their produce and their cheeses. Yeah, I see the connection. Katie is going to make a San-Fran Market Burger out of ground turkey, which she admits is going to be difficult to cook in twenty minutes. And naturally when it comes to the end of the cooking time, her burgers are not up to temp and somewhat raw in the centre, even after she threw them in the oven to finish them. I don’t understand how you can take twenty minutes to cook a burger. I mean, sure a few minutes of consideration and creativity and a few minutes of prep, but twenty minutes? And they’re still not finished?
At the presentation Melissa goes first and very clearly describes her burger in a knock out performance leaving Teddy to say ‘Wow!’ and (from the OSR) that he has a brand new respect for her because she clearly has ideas he can steal learn from. The Jedi Council love her offering. Jeffrey gives this one a miss. His presentation is average and Lord Flay says that it’s the same food they always get: sweet and heat.
Teddy, who feels he needs to work on his presentation (amongst other things), introduces his Pennsylvania Burger with his usual flamboyance and annoyance, much to the enjoyment of everyone in the Not-So-Green Room…
He thinks he has thoroughly rocked it, however, and says a self-congratulatory ‘All right’ just at the end as he struts away. Bob T wants Teddy to find the ‘likeable, warm guy’ for the camera (which means they will have to film Jeffrey or Michael) and, back in the Not-So-Green Room, Jamika tells Teddy that ‘It’s like when the cameras come…I’m getting, like, a game show host…’
His burger doesn’t fare much better. ‘You know,’ observes Lord Flay, ‘sometimes you can have too many things on a burger…’
Debbie, as usual, delivers a nice presentation but her burger is just a wee off the mark. Michael doesn’t entirely botch up his burger presentation – he’s still showing a lot of nervous energy – but his burger scores very highly with the Jedi Council. Jamika sounds like a thirty second ad for a burger joint and her dish fails to impress.
And poor Katie… the thought that her burger isn’t cooked all the way is weighing heavily on her mind. Her presentation is somewhat low-key but at least she doesn’t cram healthiness down anyone’s throats. The fact that the turkey burger is under-cooked makes the Jedi Council nervous and Susie ‘Laughs-A-Lot’ Fogelson really questions Katie’s culinary abilities – and appears to glare at Katie throughout her presentation as well in something of a ‘We are not amused’ sort of fashion.
In the end, Katie and Jamika are the losers in this round, Melissa had the best presentation and the burger going on the menu at The Chum Bucket is Michael’s – prompting Michael to gleefully confess from the sanctity of the OSR that he wants to make out with Lord Flay. Perhaps he is taking ‘embrace the Dark Side’ just a tad bit literally.
Into the next challenge the Padawans are delivered in their typical terrorist-inspired non-descript white hostage van to the aircraft carrier/sea, air, and space museum Intrepid where Guy Fieri – in his classic Western-style shirt like the one I used to have when I was six and wanted to be a cowboy – tells our fairly stoic Padawans that they will be throwing a homecoming party for some of our soldiers returning from the Middle East. Also included will be some of the soldier’s family members and, one can only surmise, the Jedi Council and our special guest Guy.
Each Padawan is going to be responsible for creating their own All-American Home Cooked Dish. There are different seven baskets, each with ingredients representing seven different states, and those baskets will be assigned one by one to each Padawan. They look thrilled and say ‘Wow’ as Guy further explains that they will of course have only 90 minutes to create their dishes and will then have to present their respective dishes to everyone involved, and to tell a little story about themselves as they do so: ‘Give ‘em a little taste of you on that plate,’ says Guy. Too bad Eddie isn’t here to put his love on one.
And then associate editor of USA Weekend magazine, TJ Walter, incongruously appears from nowhere to tell the Padawans that the winner of this challenge will… wait for it… have their dish on the front cover of USA Weekend magazine – to which everyone says ‘Wow’ – and that they will get to share their recipe and their story with 49 million readers. Wow.
Teddy gets the New York basket and is going to create a DLT – a twist on a BLT he confides – because he has duck, apples and cream soda. Jeffrey is given Maine, which includes blueberries, smoked sea salt and lobster. He is lost and has no idea what he’s going to do. With a grand epiphany however, he dives into making a huge mistake of making lobster pot pies with blueberries, onions, and chipotle.
When they present their dishes, Teddy says ‘woo’ a lot and looks like he’s short of breath as he stumbles through his menu and personal story. The Jedi Council are enthralled…
…but, despite bad marks for his wretched presentation, they love his DLT.
Jeffrey is horrified and embarrassed about his concoction and dutifully glops it into bowls for service. His presentation is less than stellar and his pot pies are deemed to be ‘disgusting’ by Susie. From the sour looks on the faces of everyone else, this is a popular consensus.
Melissa is handed New Mexico and has no clue what to do with the spicy peppers and honey she is given, though opts for a skirt steak and a mango salsa. Katie gets Georgia and decides to do an almond crusted catfish, a molasses and orange glazed butternut squash and sweet Vidalia onions and greens.
When they make their presentations, Melissa shines through and her dish (which she was uncertain about) becomes the favourite dish thus far. Katie makes a strong show for the first time – and has a dish which is fully cooked and which everyone seems to enjoy. Lord Flay feels that she is still ‘middle of the road’ and really needs to stand out more than she does.
Jamika gets Wisconson and has to contend with kielbasa sausage, cheddar cheese and what looks like Sprecher Amber beer. Like Jeffrey, she throws everything together and makes a casserole, running her not-so-cooked chopped potatoes through a food processor to get them to cook faster and which turns them into a mess. Her dish is generally a bomb, but her presentation was ‘non-robot-like’ for the first time.
Debbie and Michael are the final two. And let the fun begin. Michael gets the Hawaiian basket of kampachi (a variety of salmon), macadamia nuts and pineapple, whilst Debbie is assigned the California basket of chicken breast, red zinfandel, and almonds. She is opting for a home-cooked chicken dinner, she tells us. Wow. And in a little mix up of kitchen etiquette (i.e. not bothering mention to someone who is in the middle of working and who cannot see you that you are behind them) Debbie goes to the oven to check on her chicken and Michael, holding a freshly-pulled-from-the-oven sheet pan full of salmon, turns around – and clocks Debbie just below the right eye with the edge of his hot sheet pan. Michael is now flustered and is losing his concentration and Debbie is in so much pain that she ‘cannot think straight.’
Michael does his presentation to a generally warm reception, except for some of the die-hard military types who apparently are not fans of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell because Michael is ‘telling’ all over the place. His food is praised by the Jedi Council as being ‘totally Hawaii.’
Debbie pulls through like a little trooper (as the Jedi Council know of the accident) but her food is considered ‘a little bland’ by Lord Flay and Guy Fieri was hoping for a step up in presentation and quality.
Soon we are jettisoned back to the Townhouse where the Padawans gather to sit and brood before their final judgement. And once in the Council Chambers, Susie ‘I Am Full of Joy’ Fogelson dourly recaps the events of the week for the Attentive Impaired and explains that they are gathered together to choose the Next Food Network Star. Huh. That would be a good premise for a show…
Jamika is criticised for bad food and praised for her good performance; Katie is told that her presentation this time round was quite nice and had a certain ‘girl next door’ quality to it but she is slammed – particularly by Susie ‘Chuckles’ Fogelson – on the undercooked food she has prepared both in the first challenge this week and in the past. Katie cries and says that she is, ‘like, so embarrassed’ as Susie continues to twist the knife with her complaints.
Turning all aglow to Michael, Susie tells him that he cooks wonderfully. Bob T steps in to say, however, that he still sucks in front of the camera. Jeffrey is put under the microscope for being resoundingly one-level of late and for passing off a ‘surprisingly awful’ chowder-like dish of inedible pot pie. He says he is trying to search for reasons why he is not opening up and being more ‘himself.’
Melissa receives the highest marks thus far, sweeping both the presentation and the food challenge. She is also the winner of the USA Weekend magazine cover, making her safe for the week. Teddy’s DLT is pronounced to be a good dish by Lord Flay, but he confesses to being nervous when Teddy steps before the camera. ‘You have these sort of like… almost like these herky-jerky motions, and I don’t feel like it’s really you.’ Teddy says he trying, but with all that being a cry-baby lying two-faced whiny bitch it is sometimes difficult.
Debbie is told by Lord Flay that she should have taken this thing and thrown it against the wall and killed it. I think he was talking about the challenge. Unfortunately she was busy striking her face against a hot sheet pan and was not adequately making enough lemonade out of lemons to suit the Jedi Council.
Lord Flay then goes on to tell the Padawans that now, with seven finalists remaining, there is a fantastic opportunity for someone to reach out and grab the brass ring, so to speak, but that, thus far, no-one seems to be reaching for it.
Michael and Debbie get the green light to move forwards into the next round. They seem somewhat taken aback. Teddy, Jamika, Jeffrey, and Katie are sent back to the Townhouse whilst the Council deliberate.
Jamika is said by Bob T to be interesting and funny but that the last dish, served on the Intrepid, was one of the worst they’d ever had. This from a man who has eaten paste. Teddy, says Susie, is so fake and so nervous in front of the camera, Katie hasn’t really blown anybody away so far, and there is a consensus that Jeffrey’s ‘Zen flatness’ is getting flatter.
In the end, however, Teddy is shown the Brown Door To Nowhere. Guess that would be that Karma coming round.
In the teaser trailer for next week some stuff happens on the Rachael Ray show and Lord Flay gets really bummed out.
Wow.
