Misanthropaea

Infommercial Heaven

Holy crap!

Billy Mays died Sunday morning. 

There's a full story about it here.

That's really kind of a bummer. I mean, the guy was loud  and obnoxious, in a wholly indescribable and an oddly endearing sort of way, and you either liked him or you didn't, but it's going to be strange not hearing him shout at me on late-night television and demanding that I dash right to the phone to spend $19.95 (plus shipping and handling) for all manner of curious wares.

Vaguely Liveblogging The Next Food Network Star 5.3

During the obligatory Let’s Watch Everyone Get Prepped scene in the Townhouse, Teddy explains to us that, last week, emotions got the better of him but that he’s realised his mistakes and is ready to show that he can not be a cry-baby lying two-faced whiny bitch.

Sure.

Piling into the Food Network kitchens, Jamika tells us that she’s afraid every time she sees Dark Lord of The Sith, Bobby Flay – especially when there is a dome involved, because one never knows what lies beneath. And, explaining that this week’s challenge is all about American food, Lord Flay puts the remaining seven Padawans to the test of creating the Ultimate Burger, something Teddy feels is right up his alley – along with being a cry-baby lying two-faced whiny bitch.

Lord Flay explains that he is opening a Bobby’s Burger Palace in Connecticut (how nice for him) and that the winner will have their burger placed on the menu because apparently Lord Flay is hard up for his own ideas. Everyone says ‘Wow’ like they didn’t see this one coming from about ten thousand miles away just like they did two weeks ago when they were told the winners would have their recipes published in Esquire and Good Housekeeping. How many times can someone say ‘Wow’ and act surprised before the sincerity wears off?

Their burgers will be ‘about the regions of America,’ he explains. From the confines of the OSR Melissa further clarifies that these burgers will be about a ‘region or an area of the United States.’ Wow. Lord Flay also explains that they will all get to present their burgers to camera (Michael’s favourite bit) and also to Lord Flay himself and the others on the Jedi Council. They will need to discuss why or how their chosen burger is personal to them and why or how it is the Ultimate Burger.

They will have twenty minutes to create their masterpieces…

Melissa makes a Burlington Burger which will taste like coats and will have Vermont cheddar cheese. Cheese on a burger? Weird. Michael is making a Mulberry Street Burger (from Little Italy in New York) stuffed with Mozzarella cheese and with pancetta on each side. There’s that cheese thing again! Who thinks of these bizarre combinations?  Jamika does a Mardi Gras Madness New Orleans Burger spiced with cayenne pepper and coupled with sausage. Debbie is going to create a Cal-Asian Burger (quite a stretch for her – all that Asian stuff) which she describes as something called a ‘bulgogi’ or a Korean barbeque version of a burger. ‘Bulgogi’ is taken from the sound you make as it navigates its way violently and rapidly back up your digestive tract . Jeffrey is going to make a California Convertible Burger which he says will be sweet and spicy and very Californian – in a Mexican sort of way. Teddy wants to make a Pennsylvania Burger (probably with a Yuengling and a bunch of swearing) because he admires the Amish for their produce and their cheeses. Yeah, I see the connection. Katie is going to make a San-Fran Market Burger out of ground turkey, which she admits is going to be difficult to cook in twenty minutes. And naturally when it comes to the end of the cooking time, her burgers are not up to temp and somewhat raw in the centre, even after she threw them in the oven to finish them. I don’t understand how you can take twenty minutes to cook a burger. I mean, sure a few minutes of consideration and creativity and a few minutes of prep, but twenty minutes? And they’re still not finished?

At the presentation Melissa goes first and very clearly describes her burger in a knock out performance leaving Teddy to say ‘Wow!’ and (from the OSR) that he has a brand new respect for her because she clearly has ideas he can steal learn from. The Jedi Council love her offering. Jeffrey gives this one a miss. His presentation is average and Lord Flay says that it’s the same food they always get: sweet and heat.

Teddy, who feels he needs to work on his presentation (amongst other things), introduces his Pennsylvania Burger with his usual flamboyance and annoyance, much to the enjoyment of everyone in the Not-So-Green Room…

He thinks he has thoroughly rocked it, however, and says a self-congratulatory ‘All right’  just at the end as he struts away. Bob T wants Teddy to find the ‘likeable, warm guy’  for the camera (which means they will have to film Jeffrey or Michael) and, back in the Not-So-Green Room, Jamika tells Teddy that ‘It’s like when the cameras come…I’m getting, like, a game show host…’

His burger doesn’t fare much better. ‘You know,’ observes Lord Flay, ‘sometimes you can have too many things on a burger…’

Debbie, as usual, delivers a nice presentation but her burger is just a wee off the mark. Michael doesn’t entirely botch up his burger presentation – he’s still showing a lot of nervous energy – but his burger scores very highly with the Jedi Council. Jamika sounds like a thirty second ad for a burger joint and her dish fails to impress.

And poor Katie… the thought that her burger isn’t cooked all the way is weighing heavily on her mind. Her presentation is somewhat low-key but at least she doesn’t cram healthiness down anyone’s throats. The fact that the turkey burger is under-cooked makes the Jedi Council nervous and Susie ‘Laughs-A-Lot’ Fogelson really questions Katie’s culinary abilities – and appears to glare at Katie throughout her presentation as well in something of a ‘We are not amused’ sort of fashion.

In the end, Katie and Jamika are the losers in this round, Melissa had the best presentation and the burger going on the menu at The Chum Bucket is Michael’s – prompting Michael to gleefully confess from the sanctity of the OSR that he wants to make out with Lord Flay. Perhaps he is taking ‘embrace the Dark Side’ just a tad bit literally.

Into the next challenge the Padawans are delivered in their typical terrorist-inspired non-descript white hostage van to the aircraft carrier/sea, air, and space museum Intrepid where Guy Fieri – in his classic Western-style shirt like the one I used to have when I was six and wanted to be a cowboy – tells our fairly stoic Padawans that they will be throwing a homecoming party for some of our soldiers returning from the Middle East. Also included will be some of the soldier’s family members and, one can only surmise, the Jedi Council and our special guest Guy.

Each Padawan is going to be responsible for creating their own All-American Home Cooked Dish. There are different seven baskets, each with ingredients representing seven different states, and those baskets will be assigned one by one to each Padawan. They look thrilled and say ‘Wow’ as Guy further explains that they will of course have only 90 minutes to create their dishes and will then have to present their respective dishes to everyone involved, and to tell a little story about themselves as they do so: ‘Give ‘em a little taste of you on that plate,’ says Guy. Too bad Eddie isn’t here to put his love on one.

And then associate editor of USA Weekend magazine, TJ Walter, incongruously appears from nowhere to tell the Padawans that the winner of this challenge will… wait for it… have their dish on the front cover of USA Weekend magazine – to which everyone says ‘Wow’ – and that they will get to share their recipe and their story with 49 million readers. Wow.

Teddy gets the New York basket and is going to create a DLT – a twist on a BLT he confides – because  he has duck, apples and cream soda. Jeffrey is given Maine, which includes blueberries, smoked sea salt and lobster. He is lost and has no idea what he’s going to do. With a grand epiphany however, he dives into making a huge mistake of making lobster pot pies with blueberries, onions, and chipotle.

When they present their dishes, Teddy says ‘woo’ a lot and looks like he’s short of breath as he stumbles through his menu and personal story. The Jedi Council are enthralled…

…but, despite bad marks for his wretched presentation, they love his DLT.

Jeffrey is horrified and embarrassed about his concoction and dutifully glops it into bowls for service. His presentation is less than stellar and his pot pies are deemed to be ‘disgusting’ by Susie. From the sour looks on the faces of everyone else, this is a popular consensus.

Melissa is handed New Mexico and has no clue what to do with the spicy peppers and honey she is given, though opts for a skirt steak and a mango salsa. Katie gets Georgia and decides to do an almond crusted catfish, a molasses and orange glazed butternut squash and sweet Vidalia onions and greens.

When they make their presentations, Melissa shines through and her dish (which she was uncertain about) becomes the favourite dish thus far. Katie makes a strong show for the first time – and has a dish which is fully cooked and which everyone seems to enjoy. Lord Flay feels that she is still ‘middle of the road’ and really needs to stand out more than she does.

Jamika gets Wisconson and has to contend with kielbasa sausage, cheddar cheese and what looks like Sprecher Amber beer. Like Jeffrey, she throws everything together and makes a casserole, running her not-so-cooked chopped potatoes through a food processor to get them to cook faster and which turns them into a mess. Her dish is generally a bomb, but her presentation was ‘non-robot-like’ for the first time.

Debbie and Michael are the final two. And let the fun begin. Michael gets the Hawaiian basket of kampachi (a variety of salmon), macadamia nuts and pineapple, whilst Debbie is assigned the California basket of chicken breast, red zinfandel, and almonds. She is opting for a home-cooked chicken dinner, she tells us. Wow. And in a little mix up of kitchen etiquette (i.e. not bothering mention to someone who is in the middle of working and who cannot see you that you are behind them) Debbie goes to the oven to check on her chicken and Michael, holding a freshly-pulled-from-the-oven sheet pan full of salmon, turns around – and clocks Debbie just below the right eye with the edge of his hot sheet pan. Michael is now flustered and is losing his concentration and Debbie is in so much pain that she ‘cannot think straight.’

Michael does his presentation to a generally warm reception, except for some of the die-hard military types who apparently are not fans of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell because Michael is ‘telling’ all over the place. His food is praised by the Jedi Council as being ‘totally Hawaii.’

Debbie pulls through like a little trooper (as the Jedi Council know of the accident) but her food is considered ‘a little bland’ by Lord Flay and Guy Fieri was hoping for a step up in presentation and quality.

Soon we are jettisoned back to the Townhouse where the Padawans gather to sit and brood before their final judgement. And once in the Council Chambers, Susie ‘I Am Full of Joy’ Fogelson dourly recaps the events of the week for the Attentive Impaired and explains that they are gathered together to choose the Next Food Network Star. Huh. That would be a good premise for a show…

Jamika is criticised for bad food and praised for her good performance; Katie is told that her presentation this time round was quite nice and had a certain ‘girl next door’ quality to it but she is slammed – particularly by Susie ‘Chuckles’ Fogelson – on the undercooked food she has prepared both in the first challenge this week and in the past. Katie cries and says that she is, ‘like, so embarrassed’ as Susie continues to twist the knife with her complaints.

Turning all aglow to Michael, Susie tells him that he cooks wonderfully. Bob T steps in to say, however, that he still sucks in front of the camera. Jeffrey is put under the microscope for being resoundingly one-level of late and for passing off a ‘surprisingly awful’ chowder-like dish of inedible pot pie. He says he is trying to search for reasons why he is not opening up and being more ‘himself.’

Melissa receives the highest marks thus far, sweeping both the presentation and the food challenge. She is also the winner of the USA Weekend magazine cover, making her safe for the week. Teddy’s DLT is pronounced to be a good dish by Lord Flay, but he confesses to being nervous when Teddy steps before the camera. ‘You have these sort of like… almost like these herky-jerky motions, and I don’t feel like it’s really you.’ Teddy says he trying, but with all that being a cry-baby lying two-faced whiny bitch it is sometimes difficult.

Debbie is told by Lord Flay that she should have taken this thing and thrown it against the wall and killed it. I think he was talking about the challenge. Unfortunately she was busy striking her face against a hot sheet pan and was not adequately making enough lemonade out of lemons to suit the Jedi Council.

Lord Flay then goes on to tell the Padawans that now, with seven finalists remaining, there is a fantastic opportunity for someone to reach out and grab the brass ring, so to speak, but that, thus far, no-one seems to be reaching for it.

Michael and Debbie get the green light to move forwards into the next round. They seem somewhat taken aback. Teddy, Jamika, Jeffrey, and Katie are sent back to the Townhouse whilst the Council deliberate.

Jamika is said by Bob T to be interesting and funny but that the last dish, served on the Intrepid, was one of the worst they’d ever had. This from a man who has eaten paste. Teddy, says Susie, is so fake and so nervous in front of the camera, Katie hasn’t really blown anybody away so far, and there is a consensus that Jeffrey’s ‘Zen flatness’ is getting flatter.

In the end, however, Teddy is shown the Brown Door To Nowhere. Guess that would be that Karma coming round.

In the teaser trailer for next week some stuff happens on the Rachael Ray show and Lord Flay gets really bummed out.

Wow.  

Insert Innuendo Here

(Context Irrelevant)

‘Well here’s the hole. I don’t see why it can go at least four inches…’

‘It’s my sister. She comes about once a year…’

‘I’d like a smaller box…’

‘If I hold it open would it go in easier…?

‘That’s better than I thought it’d be…’

‘I think it looks better than it usually tastes…’

Question of The Day

If you could bring back a cancelled TV series, which would you choose?
Submitted by The Good Girl Gone Blog.

My first response to this is to say Crusade, J Michael Straczynski's sequel to Babylon 5, because it was wildly mishandled by TNT who had no idea what an amazing, lucrative, and potentially gigantic thing they held in their tenuous grasp.

But upon further reflection, I must say that, if only given one option, I would have to pick Chris Carter's Millennium. The mythology the series had begun to establish, which often overlapped into The X Files territory, was never fully realised and the end of the third and, sadly, final season left many possibilities forever unexplored.

I have always seen the journey of Frank Black as the classic Hero's Journey as defined by Joseph Campbell, with season one being, obviously, The Departure, taking us from the Call to Adventure to roughly the crossing of the First Threshold, where Frank's life began to shift with the introduction of Lucy Butler, arguably one of the best adversaries an FBI Profiler could have - a personification of absolute purest evil. 

Season two began the final phase of The Departure and delved deep into The Initiation, where not only did the series take a radical shift in style and substance from the previous season, but we were immersed in the traditions of The Millennium Group and many of their beliefs and secrets began to be revealed. The culmination of the season two finale, The Time Is Now, took Frank (in my estimation) to the stage of Atonement which left him almost irrevocably transformed.

The third season - largely concentrated on the Refusal of The Return - again shifted in style and content as Frank began a new life and a new career. But the past continued to haunt him and once-trusted allies became potential enemies. The season (and series) finale, Goodbye To All That, saw Frank facing The Magic Flight, which easily left four steps of the Hero's Journey left to explore and many questions left unanswered.

There have been rumours that there will be a Millennium feature film, now that Chris Carter has given us the last instalment of The X Files. And yet, as incredible as that idea is to me, I still think I'd rather see the final part of Frank's journey played out in a longer format.

A film can hardly begin to explore the terrifying nature of Lucy Butler and her ultimate goal and still have time to reveal who lies dead in Peter Watts' study, what was in the files Frank has in his possession, which side will Emma finally choose in light of discovering what has happened to her father, will Frank continue working outside of the protection of both The Group and the FBI, and so many other threads left dangling as Frank and Jordan drove away...  

 

Slightly Liveblogging The Next Food Network Star 5.2

At the Townhouse, all is not well. The total back-stabbing of Melissa by Teddy and the now-departed Brett is causing unrest amongst the Padawan Learners. Michael, in the meantime, is missing his home and friends and says it’s hard. Missing his friends.

Piling like apparent hostages into nondescript white vans, they are taken to, as Debbie describes it, ‘This gigantic supermarket’ called Stew Leonard’s (obviously there are no Super Wal-Marts near her) whereupon they discover Tyler Florence awaiting their arrival. Eddie says this is ‘Very, very cool’ at which Tyler tells them to settle down. See? That ties into the teaser from last week. Jamika is all aglow, as meeting Tyler Florence was one of her goals. You go, Jamika! Lower that bar!

One would think, explains Tyler, that the challenge here will be shopping. One would be half right. The actual goal is to shop – on a budget!  Which ought to be interesting, as their first attempt at a similar situation was a complete fiasco. They will have $60 to spend on a dinner for twelve people, Tyler tells them, and then he explains that this breaks down to $5 per person. Debbie says ‘That’s quite a budget for a dinner party.’ I agree. Hell, that’s half my monthly food budget all in one go. She will have to be more creative, she says, offering no basis of comparison by which to weigh her comment.

Tyler also tells them that one of the marks of being a Food Network Star is to provide real tips that people can use, and so each of the Padawans will be required to stop by the Tip Station and record a thirty second clip (or ten seconds with twenty seconds of painful fumbling for Michael) explaining how to stretch your food dollars. The winner of Best Tip Clip will, of course, have an advantage in the Main Challenge which he has not explained yet. Melissa believes she has this one nailed. Without Teddy’s help. Because he is a turd burglar.

And it is ever so evident when young Teddy explains that usually if you go over budget you just charge the customer more. Hmmm. Charge someone else for your inability to shop within reason. That’s nice. And then when he arrives at the Tip Clip Station, he bursts into a some seemingly coke-fuelled Rachael Ray-inspired wild-eyed tirade which Tyler calls a stop to after he only gets about a dozen words vomited out.

‘Is that you?’ Tyler asks. ‘Are you that over the top?’

This stings Teddy Boy and he tells us from the confines of the OSR that he’s ‘a little bit dramatic’ in case no-one noticed. ‘A little bit dramatic’ in the same way that Olympus Mons is a kind of a pile of sand and rock. His second take – called ‘cartoonish’ by Tyler (for whom I now have a much better respect) – is just a rapid-fire load of bullshit that hardly made a bit of sense. Quite hilariously, Tyler tells him later that he is ‘doing an impersonation of somebody hosting a cooking show’ and that it’s very insincere. Man. That is pee-your-pants funny!

By stark contrast, Jeffrey thoroughly knocked his Tip Clip out of the park.

Melissa, who does okay with her tip, confesses to being very anal about clipping and organising coupons and about being very budget conscious. Michael, on the other hand, admits to dropping ‘about a grand’ on his dinner parties. Obviously Michael is not entirely in touch with our level of reality. His clip is largely delivered face-down to his shopping cart (until Tyler indicates fairly sharply with a pointed finger that he needs to turn and address the camera) and, when complete, is pronounced by Tyler to be ‘Utter nonsense.’

Debbie ‘didn’t really have a message’ Tyler tells her after her lifelessly dull attempt at explaining whatever it was she was trying to explain about squash and gratins and Jamika, blinking wildly throughout her Tip Clip, babbles on about how you can re-use a marinade – ‘Is that after you make somebody sick?’ asks Tyler.

Eddie, looking eerily like the love-child of Pee Wee Herman and Ed Grimley, talks about using herbs as a garnish to salad – because who would have ever though to use greens to garnish greens!? – and Katie, though she stumbled at first, made a good show of explaining how to eat healthy on a budget.

Speaking of budgets… everyone went over their allocated $60 except for Eddie, at $59.69, Teddy, who saved $5, and Jeffrey who came in at $48 and ‘some change.’ Jeffrey, it is no surprise, won this part of the challenge – to the muddled drone of completely unenthusiastic cheers of ‘Hey. Congratulations.’ And there was much rejoicing. Yea.

The bombshell here is that the Padawans now have to take the food they just bought and cook dinner with it – for twelve people! Oh my god tha—okay, wait. That’s what was explained at the very beginning. Are we missing some footage here?

The next day, again hostage-like in their nondescript white vans, the Padawans are driven to East Hampton. There is some discussion amongst them as to where they are being taken. Not to spoil it or anything, but I’m thinking Ina Garten’s house. Unless I’m mistaken she’s the only Food Network Star who lives in, and does her show like an agoraphobic from, the Hamptons; an uh-floo-unt area, we are told. Is it also not an ‘affluent’ area? Also the episode is entitled Dinner at Ina’s, so…

To little or no surprise we discover that we are going to Ina Garten’s house, where our ogling contestants are going to make dinner for Ina Garten, her rich friends who live in the Hamptons, and the Jedi Council. All with the food they bought yesterday – on a budget! Dark Lord of the Sith, Bobby Flay, is on hand to snicker at this idea of serving $60 worth of food to people for whom $60 often buys toilet paper, if the maid knows what’s good for her, and then to twist the indignity in a just a little bit farther by explaining that the group are going to be divided up into teams and will make an appetizer, an entree, and a dessert. Each Padawan is responsible for one of the dishes and they will collaborate on ‘the third one’ which isn’t exactly clear.

Ina says ‘Wow’ just like in the teaser from last week and Lord Flay starts to make that weird noise with his mouth again like he did last season with Paula Deen.

As winner of the previous challenge, Jeffrey picks Michael as his partner. Lord Flay then announces who the rest of the teams will be. First up Teddy and…

Oh gods, not me! Not me! Debbie pleads. Sweet precious Hello Kitty not me!  

…Debbie. Then it’s Melissa and Eddie (who feels he will have to pick up the slack) and Katie and Jamika. They will have one hour total to cook the food and two minutes to present it to the table but, out of respect for ‘Ina’s beautiful kitchen’ only two teams at a time will work. Debbie and Teddy’s whirlwind romance begins along side Melissa and Eddie. For Team Love, Debbie will do the starter of vegetable linguini with an Asian marinara, they will collaborate on a Pan-Asian Meatloaf (because as anyone knows it should only take about an hour to prep and fully cook a meatloaf for twelve people) and the Tedster will do the dessert of Strawberry Shortcake trifle – and then from the OSR he bemoans the fact that he is not a ‘dessert guy’ and got stuck with it by default because he is a crybaby pussy with no accountability.

On Team Grimley, Eddie will take on the onion, watermelon and feta salad, Melissa goes for lemon-thyme chicken with a port sauce, and together they will create Nutella quesadillas and Bananas Foster.

Things seem to go well enough. On Team Love, Debbie is cautiously optimistic with Teddy and, on Team Grimley,  Eddie feels that he is fighting for his life. His antagonism towards Melisssa is palpable and she notes from the OSR that he speaks to her as if she were five. Teddy is flitting about, moving nowhere nearly as quickly as he ought to be (but he is fairly self-congratulatory from the OSR about ‘his’ meatloaf – sorry ‘their’ meatloaf) and then with about five minutes remaining it occurs to him that he might want to make the dessert.

During the presentation, Eddie takes on the role of Lead Snob to the Twelve Disciples at Ina’s table and Melissa’s rambling about this quaint notion of something called ‘grocery shopping’ and how she couldn’t afford to do it after buying clothing for her daughters raises a bemused sneer from some haughty blonde woman seated at the table. She has possibly read about these small people who, curiously, struggle for money by doing a thing called ‘work.’

The verdict on the Eddie’s salad is that it was the right idea with the wrong execution. The haughty blonde determines it to be ‘inedible’ just like she did in last week’s teaser. Melissa’s chicken didn’t have flavour all the way through it, and the dessert was good enough. Melissa herself gets mixed reviews. Ina found her able to ‘glow in the dark’ whilst others found her too desperate. They appear to be silent on Eddie.

Team Love present their dishes – in a much less frenetic delivery than usual for Teddy – and are praised for a great collaboration and two really outstanding plates. And then there is Teddy’s dessert which tastes and looks ‘store bought,’ leaving Susie Fogelson to wonder why he ‘wouldn’t go the extra mile’ to make something better.

In the next round, Team XY of Michael and Jeffrey, and Team XX of Jamika and Katie are off to a reasonably smooth start, even with Michael’s uncomfortable curiosity regarding Jeffrey’s proteins. Both teams seem to have a mixed theme. XY have what Michael calls a ‘Tomexican’ fusion of Italian and Mexican whilst XX are a clash of Italian and Asian. Jamika’s starter will be an Asian-marinated Salmon with a seaweed and pepper slaw; Katie tackles the main of whole wheat pasta with chicken sausage and broccolini; and the two will collaborate on the dessert of fruit salad and grilled pineapple. For Team XY, the collaborative dish will be the starter of roasted tomato and red chili soup, Michael’s main will be pesto rubbed chicken with broccoli rabe, and Jeffrey will finish with his chocolate-filled crepes.

Michael seems to be having a rough time, cutting his finger, mascara dripping in his eyes and, as he says, ‘running around the kitchen like a mad woman.’ Jeffrey offers him some last minute advice about offering his culinary point of view (CPOV) and hopes that he can pull himself together in time for their presentation. Team XX appear to have everything under control.

At the presentation, Jeffrey controls the situation, trying to balance Michael’s idiotic ‘Global-A-Go-Go’ nonsense but everything comes to a screeching halt as one of the women asks Michael what’s on top of the soup. He crashes. He stares at the woman like she is from another world. He furrows his brow at her as if he cannot wrap his brain around such an outlandish query. The standard editing technique of showing everyone fidgeting and looking bored and uneasy heightens the lingering sense of doom.

It’s a quesadilla crouton, Jeffrey explains as he leaps in for the save, with cilantro, lime, and sour cream. The verdict from the Twelve Disciples is that Michael is ‘all over the place’ in his presentation and that Jeffrey was very confident and connected well with his audience. Their food was quite a hit.

As for Team XX (with whom we spend little time) The Twelve did not feel that their dishes went well together, though individually they were nice, and Katie is once again criticised by Bob T for discussing the more healthful aspects of her food which, as Ina laughs, makes you want to ‘run in the other direction.’ I somehow get the impression that Ina doesn’t do much running, much less running away from food.

After the endless commercial break (and with one more likely remaining) we are transported to the Jedi Council Chamber where Bob T does his usual recap for the Viewing Retention Impaired and then tells the gathered Padawans that Dinner at Ina’s (oh, see, that’s where they got the name) is ‘every food lover’s dream.’ I cannot personally vouch for this. As a food lover and amateur cook, my dream would be to hang out with Alton Brown. Maybe even Sandra Lee because she does enjoy her cocktails…

Team XX are given average marks because their dishes did not suit each other. Jamika keeps impressing Bob T for some reason and Katie is told by Lord Flay to try to make her lessons on health a more natural part of her delivery and, as Bob T says, to ‘lead with the food.’

Team XY are praised for making a set of budget dishes that were not at all like a set of  budget dishes and ones which were completely worthy of being put on Ina Garten’s table.  Jeffrey is told by Lord Flay that his chili soup was good but ‘timid.’ Bob T in turn tells Jeffrey that he needs to go deeper with personal stories as we have now heard twice that he and his daughter make crepes every Saturday. Michael is told that he seemed ‘lost’ in his presentations. He explains that it has been difficult without his support group (well, that explains a lot) from back home. Lord Flay counters this by explaining that, when you’re on camera, all that baggage is set aside.

Team Grimley are told that they didn’t appear to have worked well as a team. Melissa says that she felt a lot of tension towards her from Eddie and Lord Flay admits that he watched the video tape of the team at work and was displeased to have seen Eddie rolling his eyes ‘and stuff.’ ‘It just kind of drove me nuts,’ says Lord Flay. ‘A little chivalry in the kitchen goes a long way.’

And then Eddie is told that his watermelon-onion-feta salad lacked finesse and was 1) over-powered by the onions and 2) seemed like something he had done before – to which he says ‘It’s actually from…’ wait for it…  ‘a Paula Deen cookbook.’

As Emeril would say: BAM!

Bob T looks like someone just told him eating paste is a bad thing; Lord Flay turns away with a shake of his head and a roll of his eyes (which he just got done telling Eddie was unprofessional); and Susie claws at the desk whilst scolding Eddie for not using his own recipes. I just don’t see this as being good in any possible way.

From Team Love, Debbie is credited for a smooth performance and for tickling  Bob T’s brain (eee-oooo) with her Asian Marinara. Teddy is told by Susie that his dessert was an abomination. ‘The pudding was so sweet and so artificial and just embarrassing,’ she tells him. This edict comes with the requisite single funerary bass drum soundtrack and Teddy closes his eyes to deflect the blow. To lighten the mood, however, Lord Flay tells a sad-faced Teddy that he felt there was no effort put into the dessert because the effort was simply ‘slicing strawberries, making caramel sauce and that was it.’ Backpedalling from her former severity, Susie then tells Teddy that  ‘Not serving it would have been better than the reaction it got.’

And then comes the meatloaf – the collaborative dish – which the Jedi Council agree was awesome. Teddy steps forwards and says he feels that the meatloaf was ‘his dish’ and that the dessert was the collaboration, which flatly contradicts everything seen in the previous forty-eight minutes and well documented on tape.  Lord Flay clearly sees that Debbie wishes to argue this point and allows her to explain that she made the sauce (the part that knocked the socks off of everyone) and that Teddy molded the loaf. Teddy keeps digging himself a deeper pit of despair as he claims ownership of the meatloaf and lies like a little bitch about what was the collaboration and what was solely his – again contradicting what is documented on tape.

‘This whole thing that’s going on here,’ says Lord Flay, ‘is driving me crazy.’

Teddy apologises and in a comforting gesture he rubs Debbies shoulder and says how sorry he is for being a liar and a twat. Debbie visibly cringes and deflects his apology and says that she is just taken aback by his attitude. ‘Nobody was comfortable in working with you,’ she tells him. ‘We feel like you’re gonna just, you know, not be a team player.’ She goes on to explain that she is having a really hard time with his  honesty (or lack thereof) and his integrity (or lack thereof). The clip of this in the teaser last week made it seem as though this attack was aimed at Jamika. Misdirection for purposes of suspense, I suppose.

Teddy cries as we go to commercial…

And in the final segment, it is decided that the winning team was Team XY and both Jeffrey and Michael are safe to continue.  Once out of the Jedi Council Chambers, Michael breathes a sigh of relief that he’s ‘finally a bride’ and not a bride’s maid any more. Oh dear.

To the dramatic bongo drum rhythm, we are told that Debbie is safe to move to the next round as well. All eyes are on the Jedi Council – and on the floor, the walls, the ceiling, each other – as the next names are pondered for safety: Jamika (big shock), Melissa, and Katie. They are asked to step out, leaving Teddy and Eddie to face the final curtain together.

In the Town House, Jeffrey tells everyone that Teddy has just self-destructed and that it is the weirdest thing to watch. I think it’s stranger to watch John Carpenter’s remake of The Thing with the soundtrack to Good-Bye, Columbus (which I have done because I once got a defective video of it). Everyone agrees that Teddy is a douche-nozzle and can’t believe that he wouldn’t take accountability for his shitty dessert and then try to make up for it by backstabbing Debbie.

In the Council Chamber, Teddy and Eddie plea for their continued survival but are sent away for the Council to deliberate. As they enter the Townhouse there are blank and unfriendly gazes all round. Eddie offers an olive branch though, by telling the others that he doesn’t want to go home. ‘No offence’ he tells them, ‘but I want to kick the shit out of all of you.’ 

Some people just really ought to self-edit…

In their Chambers, the Jedi Council concede that Eddie continues to show what a rank amateur he is and that he lacks the necessary skills but, ultimately, it is much more of a difficult  idea to give Teddy a second chance after his recent ‘performance.’ Bob T feels that Teddy lacks the character to be shoulder to shoulder with the other Food Network Stars

‘I am a gentleman,’ Teddy cries in the Townhouse to generally deaf ears. ‘I need to show that in all aspects. I didn’t. And I’m truly sorry.’

Debbie is basically having none of it and tells him that he probably should have done this self-examination much earlier.

In the Council Chambers, Bob T is eager to see Teddy go, which comes as something of a surprise to Lord Flay. Bob explains that he hasn’t liked what he sees in Teddy. Susie wants to see them both go. Lord Flay feels that Eddie hasn’t enough knowledge to be an authority figure and must go.

As the boys are called back, Susie launches right into Eddie about his lack of culinary expertise and how it has been glaring from week to week. Lord Flay tells Teddy that they are still trying to figure out who he is and that, whomever he is, he needs to be welcoming. But, in the end, Eddie is shown the door. From the OSR he says he made some bad decisions along the way – like talking.

Teddy, wiping tears from his eyes as the reality of being saved sinks in, says ‘Wow.’ Everyone else just looks at him. Debbie confides from the OSR that she hopes he has learnt something from this.

We shall see…

Next week, Guy Fieri wears a western-style shirt; Jamika starts to panic; Jeffrey begins to wonder if he’s not the chef he thinks he is; Debbie is in so much pain and holds an ice bag to her face; Katie is, like, embarrassed; everyone cries; nobody’s grabbin it, Lord Flay will tell them; Susie explains that time is running out; and Teddy what…? That’s right. Teddy will look sad. Again…

Oy.

Dominant/Submissive

‘Hi! I’m John Harris! I’m about twelve feet tall and I dominate over the average man. I felt that it was important to barge into this commercial at the last minute to assert my authority and to impress you with my staggering height. Look at this pathetic little guy who works for me. Here he is, waaay down here. See? Hell, I don’t even know his name. He’s probably a janitor or something. But who cares? It’s not like he matters or anything. He looks sad because I’m almost twelve feet tall and could crush him like a tiny beer can if he doesn’t brown nose and show me the respect I deserve for being almost twelve feet tall. After this commercial shoot is over with I think I’ll push him around just to see him cry. I’m John Harris and I’m way taller than you.’ 

Somewhat Liveblogging The Next Food Network Star 5.1

I really hate the opening music for this show. I’m just throwing that out there right at the start. Jesus…

The kids start their day by scampering down to the Food Network kitchens to discover that Dark Lord of The Sith, Bobby Flay, and his special guest, an Esquire magazine editor, Ryan D’Augostino, are awaiting their arrival. Lord Flay explains that their first challenge this week will be Bringing Food To Life – easily accomplished if you are strong in the ways of The Force or if you have an affinity for hunchback dwarves and spectacular lighting storms. Little cans of Spam arising to wreak havoc. The winner of this challenge will have their recipe published in Esquire magazine. Oh. That’s convenient. That must be why Ryan D’Augostino is there. The loser will have their recipe torn to shreds by before their eyes by a maniacally laughing Lord Flay and then they will be sent through the Brown Door To Nowhere whilst everyone else points and laughs.

Ryan explains that Esquire like to present recipes that are sophisticated but ones that men might actually cook  and who might be sipping a martini whilst doing so. Or for men who can pay for someone to cook it for them whilst they sip a martini.

Michael tells us with great confidence from the Orange Specimen Room that he can sleep very well  at night knowing that he is not the ‘Esquire Man.’ That’s because it would interfere with being the Clairol Girl.

Under their domes – the stainless steel domes placed strategically before each of the remaining Padawans – Lord Flay explains that they will find the typical ingredients found in an Esquire Man’s pantry and that they are to use these ingredients (in a forty-five minute window of opportunity) as the focal point of their respective dishes.

I figured they would find old Chinese take-away and a call-girl’s phone number…

Anyway, Jeffrey gets filet mignon and pistachios which he feels will be best suited for a Middle Eastern savoury dish. Brett gets ground beef and a pickle and decides in a breathtakingly bland step that he’s going ‘old school’ for a burger and bleu cheese with pickles on the side. Wow. He says he thinks a pickle can stand on its own. This is true. You need to make a nice even cut on the bottom but, yes, yes it can stand on its own. Teddy gets a ‘manly and sweet’ combo of  ribeye and maple syrup – at which point Melissa confides to us from the OSR that ‘Men like meat. Don’t they?’

Obviously some of the boys do. Good call Melissa.

Katie gets bran cereal and lamb chops, which she promptly decides will be a rack of lamb with a Dijon and bran crust representative of her healthful CPOV. Debbie gets peanut butter and flank steak and is going to do a ‘really quick-ass smoky Korean barbeque.’ Michael has coffee beans (or kwawfee beans, as he says) and pork chops to create a Colombian coffee rubbed pork chop with a sweet coffee and cognac glaze. Melissa gets Maraschino cherries and chicken thighs and is not happy. ‘Maraschino cherries is a garnish,’ she whines from the OSR. Jamika gets whiskey and Porterhouse Steak and will create a grilled Porterhouse with a molasses-whiskey glaze and feels that she has to think like a man but be a woman, which she finds confusing. Perhaps she and Michael need to talk.

Eddie, with beer and strip steak, decides to go for a classic New York strip with a Jamaican lager to illustrate that improvising and ‘being in the moment’ are his strengths. Whatever.

Once the dishes are complete, Lord Flay announces that the next step – before their food is sampled for inclusion in Esquire – is  for the Padawans to present their dish in a direct-to-camera segment. They will have sixty seconds. Sixty very long and painful seconds.

Eddie ‘presented’ in a ‘twitchy’ fashion, says Bob Tuschman, but his dish was found to be acceptable; Melissa’s sad little chicken thigh and cherry is described by her as family friendly – something you could feed to a baby or a toddler (which is just spot on for men who read Esquire) – but the saving grace is that Bob T felt her presentation was both confusing and boring and her couscous accompaniment lacked flavour.

Jamika, who rehearsed every line, locked up half-way through and stumbled to the finish line. Lord Flay, in a surprising display of humanity, said he always feels bad when they can’t recover. Bob T felt it showed she was over-rehearsed and too scripted. Her dish was good, though. Jeffrey was almost flawless in his dish and his delivery, though Susie felt he needed to bring something more personal to make it perfect.

Teddy, still ‘comin at you from the mind of a chef’ (making Bob T flinch), delivers an over-the-top pitch which leaves Lord Flay asking ‘Why is he yelling at me?’ Brett, in much the same vein, sounds like he’s negotiating with a New York prostitute – something Lord Flay finds strangely funny – though Ryan D’Augostino says he was sure the challenge was not to make just a burger and a pickle.

Michael presents his dish in ten seconds – apparently channelling Commander Lisa from last season – and spends the next twenty gruelling seconds fumbling and saying the same stupid things again and again. Debbie delivers a great speech but a fairly unremarkable dish. Katie’s pork is underdone to the point that with a bit of doctoring it could get up and walk away and much to the chagrin of the Jedi Council she goes on about ‘healthy’ aspects hidden in the food. Not a good time.

Re-assembled for the final judgement, the Padawans learn that Eddie will get his dish accepted by Esquire.

In the next painful segment, we are whisked away to Hearst Tower where, at the offices of Good Housekeeping, Giada DeLaurentiis and Editor-In-Chief Rosemary Ellis explain that in this challenge, the Padawans have to each bring a holiday to life, and keep it simple, and the winner will – what? Yes, that’s right: they will have their recipe published in Good Housekeeping. Fortunately for Michael this is fabulous because he is Good Housekeeping magazine – hello0oo!

As the winner of the previous challenge, Eddie decides who gets each holiday and he dutifully doles them out: Mardi Gras for Debbie who will create Cajun Mandu with country rice and black beans; Halloween for Michael who will make a wonton-wrapped tuna with butternut squash salad; Earth Day for Katie who will make roasted shrimp with a cannellini beans and grilled radicchio; April Fool’s Day for Brett means a pan-seared filet mignon and lobster tempura; Eddie keeps Valentine’s Day for himself and will make a seared Ahi tuna with orange ginger sake glaze; Teddy gets Labour Day to make a surf & turf with a marinated filet and lump crab cake; Melissa gets Mother’s Day and will make oven-scrambled eggs with orange coconut French Toast; New Year’s Ever is for Jamika who shoots big for spicy collard greens and sweet corn bread; and the last holiday, Groundhog Day, is foisted upon Jeffrey who opts for lobster- and chorizo-stuffed avocados because he has no other ideas.

With five minutes left in the challenge, Melissa is running about madly. Brett asks if she needs help finishing up to meet the deadline and, though she first thinks ‘No,’ she decides to cave in and let Brett and Teddy assist her with with plating the eggs. This seems a bad choice as Brett appears to want to take control and, from the secluded confines of the OSR, Teddy exclaims rather sarcastically that ‘Brett and Teddy come through for Melissa!’ and gives us two big thumbs-up and a cloying smile as he imitates the sound of a roaring crowd like a complete dick.

Into the presentation, Melissa does quite well and her dish is a success. When she returns to the waiting room all aglow, Teddy is seen to be sitting with his chin in his hand and a look of sad disgust on his face. From the OSR he tells us that ‘it feels good to help someone.’ Right. You can tell that by his face. He goes on to say, however, that it is impossible to tell whether Melissa could have plated everything by herself in the allocated time, but that ‘Karma comes around.’

Oh yes. Indeed it does, Teddy…

Jeffrey’s avocados have nothing to do with Groundhog Day but his charm and ease and his tasty creation appeases the Jedi Council. Jamika’s ‘side dishes’ and her manner of presentation win over the Council. Katie once again presses all the wrong buttons talking about healthy anti-oxidants and boring the assembled judges.  Teddy’s Labour Day presentation is gaggingly over-energised and Lord Flay wishes he would stop doing that. He also needs to stop being a two-faced back-stabbing little closet queen. His dish is satisfactory however. Brett decides that the best way to interpret April Fool’s Day is to first tell the Council that he can’t take the pressure and will be leaving the competition – and then turning back and shouting ‘April Fools Day!’ at them. Ha ha. Boy he got them good. Then he explains that April Fool’s Day is all about his mother because it’s all about the turn of the season when the flowers come out. Giada just stares at him.

Debbie does a good job, with the possible exception of having about three thousand things in her ‘pot stickers’ which would be quite a lot to publish in a magazine. Giada wants to grab a cup of coffee and sit on the couch and watch her. Watch her do what, Giada doesn’t clarify. Michael redeems himself from the Twenty Seconds of Stupidity from the last segment and wins everyone over. Eddie’s romantic dish – The Muse, as he calls it – looks okay but his sexist ramblings about ‘demographics’ and how women need special dietary ‘enjoyments and restrictions’ is eclipsed only by his desire to share the secrets of an intimate night with everyone in the room. ‘There’s love on this plate,’ he says. Uhm… eee-ooo… 

Returning from one of the longest commercial breaks ever, we find the Padawans assembling in the Jedi Council chambers whilst we welcome back our special guest, Giada De Laurentiis. Foregoing his usual In Case Your Weren’t Paying Attention action recap of the past hour, Bob T starts by praising Jeffrey for being a charming ‘con artist’ and selling the Groundhog Day dish that had nothing whatever to do with Groundhog Day. Debbie is praised by Giada for making a great dish with perhaps far too many ingredients. Susie explains to Katie that she is coming at healthy food all wrong. Lord Flay says that anti-oxidants are not ‘delicious.’ Katie says that she’s has to remember to stop being ‘Healthy Girl’ and start being Katie. Giada tells her that she needs to inspire rather than lecture.

Michael’s food and presentation are given high marks but are found to be a bit on the complicated side. Lord Flay says that he finds Michael to be a little unpredictable – but in a delightful and fun way that only a Dark Lord of The Sith knows. Eddy is roundly criticised for his quite awful and condescending presentation at Good Housekeeping, and he is told that the roses absolutely overpowered the tuna dish he prepared. He fumbles through an insincere apology.

Jamika is praised for her side dish. Lord Flay felt it was a risk that paid off and Bob T was whisked away as he often longs for. Teddy’s food is commended as being some of the best, but his dickish over-the-top acting is leaving the Jedi Council cold. ‘Just make sure,’ Giada dourly warns him, ‘that you’re real.’

Brett is told that April Fool’s Day wasn’t really a part of his April Fool’s Day meal. Bob T investigates why Brett entered the competition to discover that Brett apparently got talked into it by some friends, but that he wants to be on TV and will work on bringing to the table (metaphorically speaking) the suitable personality.

And then there’s Melissa…

Bob T describes her as Mommy Mayhem in the commercial kitchen – something she definitely needs to work on. She says she felt very overwhelmed by cooking outside of her own kitchen (and Teddy smugly grins behind her). Bob T loved her dish, however, and felt that the eggs were perfectly cooked and layered with flavour. At this point, in the background, Teddy and Brett are rolling their eyes and shaking their heads. This is noticed by Giada – especially after Brett slaps Teddy in the arm and the two share a few hushed words. Giada asks Brett if he would like to say something. At first he demurs and says he is just listening, but then the sarcasm begins to roll and he launches into a bit about how ‘In the Culinary World you do have to be able to produce your dish and put it out.’ Melissa looks suitably shocked and Bob T enquires if she is, in fact, able to make her own dishes or if she feels that she needs help from her fellow contestants.  Melissa explains that Teddy (who appears sad in the background) and Brett (who just ever so slightly nods  his head in a thoroughly smug fashion) helped her put the eggs into the ramekins so that she was able to plate the other pieces of the meal.

Brett counters this by stepping forwards and, rather accusatorily, demanding that, ‘You know what? I think that Teddy and I helping you really saved you.’

Lord Flay leans on the desk, covering his eyes. Giada presses forwards as if in anticipation of stopping a brawl. Melissa defends her position and says that she does not think the plates would have been any different had the boys not helped her. Bob T asks Teddy what he thinks. ‘I’m not here to throw anybody under the bus,’ he replies. ‘So I don’t have anything to say.’

Bob T asks if there is any doubt that this was her cooking and her recipe. Melissa, I think, correctly defends herself by saying that sixty seconds of spooning eggs into a ramekin does not allow you to take ownership of a dish. Later, from the OSR, she cries and tells us that she was in shock that Brett and Teddy would imply that she did not create her own food and would call into question her very integrity. Susie, irritatingly rattling her jewellery on the table with each word, says that it sounds like the boys do not agree with her and that ‘we just need to move on.’

In defence, I believe Melissa needed to state unequivocally that Brett offered to help in the last few minutes; that he volunteered himself and Teddy. The fact that these two are being complete dicks and presuming that their help in plating made Melissa’s food somehow taste better is just bullshit.

But remember, Karma comes around.

Melissa, Debbie, and Jamika are announced to be the top favourites of the weeks’ challenges and are safe to continue on to the next round. Jamika is declared the winner of the week and a recipe of hers will go into Good Housekeeping – not the one she created for the show, for reasons left unclear, but something else entirely. Jeffrey, Michael, and Teddy are also safe.

Brett, Katie, and Eddie are sent back upstairs to watch Melissa glare at Teddy whilst the Jedi Council deliberate.

The matter of Eddie is first on the table. ‘The more he talks,’ says Giada, ‘the more insincere he becomes and then it just becomes…annoying.’ Amen. Brett is thought by the Council to be ‘likable’ but, as Bob T points out, there is a chasm between who he is and what Food Network needs. Katie, they feel, is forcing health down their throats. Bob T wants to go eat ice cream and fudge in revolt. It would wash down the taste of the paste he confessed to eating last season. Giada feels that Katie can work on that aspect of her presentation and make some progress but Susie just doesn’t see that Katie has what it takes.

Comfortable with their decision, the Council recall the  final three.

Katie is safe, to Susie’s obvious disapproval. Eddie gets to stay, despite Giada’s judgement that he borders on the insincere and annoying. And, thankfully, Brett is shown to the Brown Door To Nowhere. That just leaves Teddy for Melissa to battle it out with.

Next time, Tyler Florence tells everybody to settle down and then to stop; Jeffrey thinks someone is self-destructive; someone wonders if they will have to cook for the Barefoot Contessa; Eddie says they have twelve minutes; a stern blonde woman says it’s inedible; Debbie has a team-mate she doesn’t think she can trust and has a hard time with (we are to presume) Jamika’s honesty; Lord Flay will be driven crazy; Ina Garten will say ‘Wow’ and Teddy will look sad. Again.

Wee!

The Little Search Engine That Could

A couple of days ago I added the highly-recommended Lijit search widget towards the bottom of the page. It's not finalised just yet and I'm still tinkering with it to get it how I want it.

Without cheating and scrolling down to the bottom, can you take a wild guess what the very first (and so far most popular) search conducted on it was?

Yes. That's right. KatieFun789.

Sometimes I just shake my head in absolute amazement...  

Turn and Facebook the Strange

A recent stop by the long-stagnant Enterprise Mission home page (unless you count the continuously self-updating Google ads) reveals that Richard C Hoagland, founder of The Enterprise Mission, recipient of an Angstrom Medal, former science advisor to CBS news and Walter Cronkite, author of The Monuments of Mars, co-creator of The Pioneer Plaque, originator of The Europa Proposal, and principal investigator of The Enterprise Mission now has a Facebook page. I hope it fares much better than did his MySpace page, or his highly-touted blog – a venture which spanned an epic time scale lasting from July to October 2005 before the shine of a new toy technology wore off and it was back to a lack of business as usual.

After the debacle that was Dark Mission lifted the veil from my eyes, chronicled in great detail here as you both well know (although you mostly looked at the pictures), I can’t help but  sometimes feel like someone who just managed to escape from a cult – detoxified, debriefed, and largely decontaminated – who now looks back with a sense of sadness at those who remain so deeply indoctrinated.

Case in point being one of the Wall Photos, a portion of which can be seen here:

  

According to Hoagland, posting on 10 June 2009, this image will be seen ‘all over Russia (and international newsstands, everywhere)’ this week, which is why, you will note, the caption – or the greater part of it – is in Cyrillic. Unfortunately a better version could not be located through a copious search so, though certainly not the preferred method, I nabbed a copy from Facebook to include here. To see the original post, in context, follow the Facebook link provided above.

What’s so sad about this isn’t that Hoagland posted it – because in fairness to him he does state that he is trying to ‘track down the “pedigree”’ of it (H.O.G.W.A.S.H. for ‘trying to determine the veracity of’) – but it’s the cloying, slavish, and doe-eyed comments following the posting of it: ‘Definitely ancient city’ and ‘How can it be anything else!’

Indeed.

How can it be anything else?

Could it be a ‘stunning’ or ‘striking’ series of ‘unmistakable geometrically arranged rectilinear ruins’ lying on the arid wastes of Mars, or could it be something not at all that fabulous and far more mundane?

 With absolutely nothing to go on – not even one tiny shred of evidence to support such ludicrous assumptions – and not even an ego-centric pronouncement from Hoagland to back it up, the immediate leap to conclude that this wholly unsubstantiated photograph depicts the ruins of an ancient city on Mars simply astonishes me.

I am willing (and able) to believe that Mars once held life – very probably even vastly intelligent life – but Jeez-US-Christ! Wait for at least some indication that you’re not being duped before you leap t0 (quite possibly a very wrong and very embarrassing) judgement!

Now if only there was a convenient Russian newsstand somewhere nearby…  

Just So You Know...

I've been trying out a couple of different applications and widgets on the blog to see if I can get that lucrative third reader to join the discussion we aren't having.

Of course it takes a bit of time to set these things up - lots of backwards and forwards nonsense - so you may notice minor tweaks from time to time; things appearing and disappearing as I see what I like and see what works. The idea of 'monetising' the blog is nice - and I might even make it over the full one dollar mark this year - but some of these things strike me as thoroughly obtrusive and as subtle as a brick and getting them to play nice with my template and fit the style I have created takes a bit of time.

Or you may not notice them at all because you're too busy gaping in dismay at Amber55 and KatieFun789.

I don't know.