Misanthropaea

Aliens In My Pants

Presently on the Coast to Coast AM web site there is a link to two ‘cell phone photographs’ which were purported to be taken inside of an alien craft, presumably during the abduction of a Nevada couple on 7 May 2009.

The C2C link whisks you away to the Phantoms and Monsters  blog who, in turn, claims to have got the images from an anonymous post at MUFON. As Don Henley asks, ‘Are you with me so far?’

Browsing the MUFON site turned up nothing of the original photos, so I borrowed the full size  images from the P&M blog (who, by the way, will not allow you to comment on their posts unless you have a Google account, hence this post) so I could examine them in better detail. I resized them for inclusion and purposes of discussion here. If you feel, at any point, that my methods are flawed, feel free to visit the provided link and examine the originals for yourself.

 It’s fairly clear from the first of the two breathtaking  images, even to some of the less astute individuals, that the interior of the ‘alien spacecraft’ was very, very blue indeed.  Beyond that statement of the utmost obvious, it defies virtually all descriptive abilities to determine just what it is we are supposed to be seeing here. Is it an ominous hand? Is it a foreboding foot? Is it a looming shoulder and part of a neck? Was this taken under the harsh interrogative terror of an ultraviolet light? Do aliens have tanning beds inside their craft?

Of the two available ‘alien spacecraft’ images, it is the second one which, by far, has sparked some of the most heated debate, from claims of seeing an inquisitive alien being peering up over the edge of an examination table to seeing what appears to be an odd blue thing doing something strange right next to something else that’s blue.

Of course the problem here, once you really start looking, is that neither of these two images represent the interior of an alien spacecraft as much as they represent some completely shit  photography of absolutely fuck all.

Dropping the full-size pictures into your favourite imaging software (which, in my case, would be Adobe Photoshop) and taking out the stupid ‘creepy alien spacecraft’ blue filter which effectively renders the photos thoroughly useless, you suddenly find yourself asking a series of very pointed questions: ‘What kind of total crap was this supposed cell phone?’ ‘Is there an app for special alien spacecraft photography?’ ‘Wouldn’t the aliens have noticed that their abductees were taking holiday snaps when they were probably supposed to be lying naked on a table, crying with abject mortification and horror as stringent anal probes and brightly glistening instrumentation poked and prodded them?’ 

Better still, ‘Is that a pair of jeans?’  

Without the annoying blue, so that the second image is somewhat clearer, it’s quite evident that there is a seam running the vertical length of the right side – completely consistent with the inside leg of almost any pair of jeans ever made.

I’ve stared at the first image over and over again, both with and without the blue filter, coming to the conclusion that it’s simply useless and totally arbitrary shit no matter how you look at it.

If these images are the view of the interior of an alien spacecraft, taken by abductees,  they are the worst bits of historical documentation ever.

I have seen far more convincing photos elsewhere…

May We Have The Next Contestant Please…?

‘Your total is $19.25.’

‘That almost sounds like a year or something.’

‘And indeed it was.’

[Confused] ‘It was?’

‘Erm, yeah… Between 1924 and 1926. Or something.’

[After a pause to contemplate] ‘Huh…’

 

***

‘Now this World Wine Tasting that you guys are having; is that all gonna be just local wines?’

‘Yes. Local wines from around the world.’

***

 

[Handing me the pen I just handed her] ‘This one doesn’t write. Do you got another one?’

[Clicking the top of the pen to extract the point and handing the pen back again] ‘Sure. Try this one.’

 

***

‘Can you tell me what this is?’

‘Sure.’ [Sliding my finger along the word as I sounded it out] ‘Buud – weiii – seerrr.’

 

***

‘Hey! How are you?’

‘I’m fine, thanks.’

[Looking up from his cell phone] ‘What?’

‘I’m fine.’

‘How much?’

‘How much am I fine?’

‘What?’ [Into his cell phone] ‘No I was talking to the—’

‘I’m pretty fine.’

[Looking up from his cell phone] ‘What?’ [Into the cell phone] ‘No, not you—’

‘Dick.’

[Looking up from his cell phone] ‘What?’

‘I said, “Is that it?”’

‘Yeah.’ [Into his cell phone] ‘What?’

Mail Call

As the both of you know, I enjoy sharing with you from time to time some of the wealth of email I receive as a result of my lucrative adventures here in the blogosphere. This past week has seen something of an unprecedented flurry of activity and I really just couldn't wait to spread the joy.

Mrs Concha Reyes writes...

The Lottery Company

PO Box

200

Harrogate

HG1 2YR

www.lottery.co.uk

*********************

Dear Internet User.

E-mail or call below to claim your prize.

Your email address drew and have won the sum of EUR 1.7M (One Million Seven Hundred Thousand Euros) in cash credited to file with REFERENCE NUMBER: EUROMILLION/WIN/423242931 **89 BATCH NUMBER: EURO/1007/444/606/09; SERIAL NUMBER: 6594; Draw Date: 18/5/2009.

send your information to the Euro million agent.

Full Name....................

Tel:.........................

Age..........................

Secure Email................

Address:....................

CLAIM DEPT

BENDAN COORPORATION

4 SAINT VINCENT COURT

NEWPORT ,GWENT

NP19 OAB

MR.ANDREW SCORFIELD

TEL:+44-753-591-777

FAX:44-7006-078-490

EMAIL:bendancorp@googlemail.com, bendancorplott@googlemail.com, or euromillion@owenrich.net

Congratulations once again from all our staff.

Mrs Concha Reyes.(Secretary), Euro Milliones Board.

Date:18/5/2009

Thanks, Concha! I don't know what 'Euro Milliones' is, but now I can save my house from foreclosure and put the crumbled bits of my life back in order! Guess I won't be needing that embarrassing little cry for help over there on the right hand side of the blog any more!

In a similar - or, as some people like to say, simular - vein, Mrs Stacy Tunner writes...

THE INTERNATIONAL LOTTERY AWARENESS

PROMOTION DEPARTMENT OF

THE FORD AUTOMOBILE COMPANY.

Batch number.....................FA 07456XN

Reff number.......................YSD 5384XN

Winning number...................JHTX00056

The Board of Directors, members of staff and the International Lottery Awareness Promotion Department of the Ford Automobile Company, wishes to Congratulate you on your success as the STAR PRIZE WINNER in this year's FORD'S Automobile International Lottery Awareness Promotion (IAP) held in LONDON,UK on the celebration of annual Anniversary.

This makes you one of the proud owners of a cash prize of £200,000.00 GBP (Two Hundred Thousand Great Britian Pounds) and a Brand New Ford Car.

To claim your Prize of £200,000.00 GBP, please contact the Promo team below and  please quote the REFERENCE NUMBER and BATCH NUMBER and also the WINNING NUMBER for proper confirmation.

1. FULL NAME:

2. AGE:

3. SEX:

4. ADDRESS:

5. ZIP/POSTAL CODE:

6. STATE/PROVINCE:

7. COUNTRY:

8. PHONE:

9. OCCUPATION/POSITION:

Promo Team

Mr Micheal Shaw

FORD Promo Department

Email: fa_michealshaw@live.com

NB: Please  send your replies to the Ford Promo Department team above, assigned to handle your claims. Congratulations once more, and keep trusting Ford Automobile for top quality automobiles.

Regards,

Mrs Stacy Tunner, Lottery Manager.

Wow, Stacy! You have no idea what a relief it is to hear this! Not only will this pile of cash help rebuild the business I lost due to what the political nimrods call an 'economic downturn' and the rest of us who have suffered the repercussions call 'a savage buttfucking,' but now I can sell my Kia and drive in style! Woo-hoo!

Also this week, Dr Sam Jerry informs me...

You're invited to:   Dear Friend,

By your host:   Sam Jerry  

Date:   Wednesday May 20, 2009

Time:   1:00 pm - 2:00 pm  (GMT +01:00)

Location:   Dear Friend, I didnot forgot your past effort and attemps to assist me, now I'm happy to inform you that i have suceeded in getting those funds transferred under the cooperation of a new partner from Japan. Now Contact my secaetary ask him for $1.2m usd for your compensation; his name Mr joe frnak E-mail:(odu_paul2009@yahoo.fr) 1,Your Full Name..........

2,Delivery address........

3,Phone number...........

Regards, Dr Sam Jerry sam.jerry28@yahoo.com

REMAIN BLESS  

Will you attend?   RSVP to this invitation

Copyright © 2009  Yahoo! Inc. All Rights Reserved | Terms of Service | Privacy Policy

And just when you think you can't handle having someone shove another $1.2 million dollars at you for doing virtually nothing - like Paris Hilton does - along comes Dr George Yeboah...!

Dear Sir/Madam,

I do hope this letter will not come to you as a surprise; it was borne out of my desire to share a business relation ship with you. My name is Dr.George Yeboah, a Ghana national married with a wife and two children. I work as an Administrative Manager with STANDARD SECURITY AND SERVICES LTD. in Accra-Ghana.

I got the information concerning you from where I was searching for a reliable person. I decided to contact you believing that by the grace of God, you will accept to be my partner in this business. I joined the services of this company in 1991 as Office assistance to this very level of Administrative Manager. I have been working with this company Within this period, I have watched with meticulous precision how African Heads of States government functionaries have been using STANDARD SECURITIES to move huge sums of money USD, Pound sterling,French France (Cash) to their foreign partners. They bring in these consignments of money cash and secretly declare the contents as jewelries, gold, diamond precious stones, family treasure, documents etc. Mobutu Sese Seko of Zair, Foday Sankoh of Siera Leone. etc. All these people have hundreds of consignments deposited with STANDARD SECURITIES.

Their foreign partners, friends and relatives, are claiming most of these consignments. A lot of them are lying here unclaimed for as much as 15 yrs. No body may ever come for them because in most cases, the documents of deposit are never available to any body except the depositors most of them dead. Since the inception of the 2000 millennium, STANDARD SECURITIES MANAGEMENT changed the procedure of claims of consignments. As soon as you are able to produce all the secret information as contained in the secret file of any consignment, it will be released to you upon demand.  This is why I am soliciting for your co-operation and assistance since these consignments were deposited with several names and codes. 35 have been claimed in the past six months. I have finished every arrangement for you to come and claim consignment NO.988 containing (40 Million US Dollars). I will supply you with all the information and documents. You will then deal directly with the management which I am the head.

The procedure is simple:You will apply officially to the Director of Operations of STANDARD SECURITIES for the release of consignment No. 988. They will demand for some documents and secret codes. which I will supply you with every detailed information as soon as you confirm the reception of this proposal.

In your reply, include your private telephone number so that I can call you for further explanation and directives on the procedure.

God Bless You.

Sincerely Yours,

Dr. George Yeboah

I am truly stunned and humbled by the outpouring of love and assistance I have found in my time of need. Thanks to everyone.

It truly is a wonderful life!

Trial Basis

So, as an experiment, I decided to try Windows Live Writer, a means of blogging without actually being connected to your blog. It’s helpful if you aren’t anywhere near an internet connection. It didn’t work so well in beta which, of course, comes as no surprise. So few things actually do.

In this release form, highly praised (it seems) by so many, I discovered that, like all things Windows, you go to the homepage – and, no, I am not going to provide the link this time and you will thank me for that later – where you are offered the choice of downloading one or all of the six various programmes available through Windows Live.

When you choose Live Writer, it will begin to download – along with all of the other programmes you didn’t choose. Thanks, Bill.

Then, approximately an hour later, an hour during which you will likely find yourself pacing the room in absolute exasperation, the software will finally be downloaded and installed. Some minor set-up is required after that and then you’re off and stumbling.

This is a test. We’ll see how it works…

Stats

A cursory glance at my 'stats' page this morning reveals the strange-but-true evidence that the popularity of this blog has skyrocketed of late. Well, maybe not skyrocketed. Stepstooled maybe. It creates a bit of a conundrum, really. On the one hand more hits mean I might actually surpass $1.25 in advertising revenue by year's end but, on the other hand, I am being pushed away from the coveted title of Most Unread Blog Ever - a category for which I have been lobbying at The Blogger's Choice Awards for some time. They continue to only offer Worst Blog of All Time, a title almost as lucrative, but then I get lumped in with The Drudge Report. Come on! The Drudge Report? At least I have a Funky Bunny. I'm sorry, does Drudge have a Funky Bunny?

Anyway, the disconcerting truth is that of the roughly 785 hits this blog has received in the last week, approximately 780 of them have been divided between the posts for KatieFun789 and Amber55.  So somewhere out there, whilst seriously skewing my statistics in favour of 'sudden popularity,' I must be deeply disappointing a lot of guys scouring the net at 3 a.m. for imaginary hot chicks.

Oh well. I suppose that's a fair trade...

28 Days Laterer

It's been a while, I realise, very nearly a year, but on 7 June 2009 Food Network will begin a new season of The Next Food Network Star. As long-time readers - that would be the both of you - know, this is one of my favourite shows to hate and I am sure this season will be no exception.  In fact I have already begun to hate it - as a recent visit to the Food Network site got my browser highjacked by one of their godsdamn 'opinion' bots.

On the bright side, I have virtually stopped watching Food Network since season 4 ended with Aaron winning.

You know how, after 9/11, when our then 'leaders' stood before the nation and decried the savagery of the terrorist attacks and those who perpetrated them and then exclaimed 'So let's go get Saddam!' who, as the rest of the class know, hadn't anything to do with 9/11, resulting in a resounding 'Whuh-whaaaat' from the smart people in the room? Well, at the end of season 4 of The Next Food Network Star the Jedi Council sat in final conclave and decided on all the bare essentials of what the Next Star would require - and all indications seemed to point to Adam. Maybe Lisa. Sort of. A little. Kind of.

And so, after deliberating, Dark Lord Bobby Flay seduced the remaining members to the Dark Side and they promptly chose Aaron, who did not exactly fit the criteria set forth in deliberation. Nothing against Aaron, but that is the truth. If you listen to what they said they wanted and watched the programme, Adam was the obvious choice. So they chose Aaron, resulting in a resounding 'Whuh-whaaaat' from the smart people in the room.

It was almost as bad as the debacle of season 3. But don't get me started down that path. Fucking Jag...

Anyway, I haven't watched Food Network with any regularity in about a year. Oh I still have to get my Sandra Lee fix once in a while and Alton Brown is compulsory viewing but, as a general rule, I have tuned out. I'm sick of Bobby Flay and Guy 'Sunglasses On The Back of My Head Because I Think It's Cool But I Really Look Like The Village Idiot' Fieri - that's pronouced 'Fee-yeti' ('...it looks like Luxury Yacht...¹'), so it should be interesting to see what this season has in store.

Interestingly enough, Food Network have finally realised the potential of Adam Gertler - and quite possibly their mistake from last year - and given him a show of his own entitled 'Will Work For Food', which is on Mondays at 8.30. I have not seen it, but I intend to watch when I can, now that I know about it. I'm guessing Food Network saw what became of Nathan Lyon (after he was shown the door in season 2) and his success on Discovery Health and decided to keep Adam close at hand. Smart move.

The contestants for season 5, Brett August, Debbie Lee, Eddie Gilbert, Jamika Pessoa, Jeffrey Saad, Jen Isham, Katie Cavuto, Melissa d'Arabian, Michael Proietti and Teddy Folkman, can all be investigated via Bob's Blog, an on-going report by Bob 'I Have The Taste For Paste' Tuschman who will no doubt be much nicer than will I.

Of course the reporting of this season will depend largely upon what happens in the next 28 days. Still no good news from National City. They still appear to want my house. And, if all of this collateral damage in my life doesn't come to a close in short order, I will probably lose my job - again - because, in this backwards state, you can't hold a liquor licence when everyone wants money you don't have.

I keep waiting for my version of that final scene in It's a Wonderful Life when everyone comes to the salvation of George and Mary at the final moments of their most darkest hour. I have 28 days to find out it that will happen...

1. This is called 'A Cultural Reference.' Specifically 'Pop Culture.' Even more specifically 'Arcane Pop Culture,' as it relates to an early 1970s television programme entitled 'Monty Python's Flying Circus' in which a regular cast of five Oxford- and Cambridge-educated men and Terry Gilliam performed 'sketch comedy' on BBC1 and unknowingly bred an entire subculture of individuals who could shout 'Blancmange!' to one another without fear of reprisal.

Please, Don't Anyone Tell Richard C Hoagland...

Reading through some of the recent topics at Above Top Secret last evening (oh yes, that's right, I go there), I found a reference to this article about a supposed two hundred thousand year old statue 'discovered' on the moon.

As anyone who knows me, or either of you two who have read this blog for any length of time, very well understands, I have just a wee smallish bit of difficulty with some of the theories put forth by Richard C Hoagland, founder of The Enterprise Mission, recipient of an Angstrom Medal, former science advisor to CBS News and Walter Cronkite, author of The Monuments of Mars, co-creator of the 'Pioneer Plaque,' originator of the 'Europa Proposal,' and principal investigator of The Enterprise Mission regarding so-called artefacts on the moon.  So, when I saw the article, the first thing that occurred to me was that, somewhere at an undisclosed location in the South-Western United States, a jubilant Richard C Hoagland was about to put down the galleys for the sadly forthcoming Dark Mission II and update his web site for the first time in many months.

Then something caught my eye and I did a double-take at the offered photograph of the 'artefact.'

As someone with at least a passing knowledge of image manipulation, it didn't take long to realise that there was something wrong. Of course the image is so small that you can't get all the details. Or at least I couldn't.  So I downloaded it, enlarged it and...

As I suspected, that fact that the 'angel' statue has been rather poorly added becomes painfully obvious.

I'm not sure if I'm more disappointed in the heated Above Top Secret thread devoted to this 'discovery' or the fact that the picture is just such a wretched fake and I can't believe someone thought it was good enough to go live all over the world.

I suppose the bright side of this is the fact that we can rest assured that there will be no immediate threat of updates to The Enterprise Mission site - and certainly not at all to the 'Moon With a View: a Sprawling Seven Part Epic in Six Gruelling Parts' promised to us sixteen months ago and counting...

It Can't Really Be *IT* Without the S and H

One of the disadvantages of working in the liquor business is having people ask us over and over again for a product we don't have, and then having to listen to them go on and on about it as though somehow the very act of endlessly expounding its miraculous virtues will, by magick, call it in to being from the very aether; or just eventually make you break down and tell them that, yes, sorry, we were merely having you on; we've actually had it all along and were just deliberately hiding it from you so we could hear you drone on about it like a whiny little bitch so we'd have something to laugh about later.

And one such product is Fat Tire from the New Belgium brewery.

For weeks now we've been badgered about this beer, explaining to enquiring minds that, no, we haven't quite got it yet but, just as soon as the distribution schedule is worked out, we will have it in stock. And, yes, I'm absolutely sure it's not just in the cooler and that I forgot; and, no, I'm not going to toddle off for a look - because I'm not going to look for something that doesn't exist. But of course feel free to second-guess me, though, and pore over the cooler doors yourself until it occurs to you that I might, indeed, just happen to know what I'm talking about.

So when one of our beer deliveries arrived on Friday and we did, in fact, finally receive our long-awaited shipment of New Belgium products (they have three) I dutifully arranged them on a shelf upon which I had previously made space, put up a 'starburst' sign with the appropriate sales information and repeated this action, as per the distribution guidelines, in the cooler, at eye- or chest-level, arranged with like microbrews, 'on the handle' (meaning you open the door and they are right at your quivering fingertips without any straining or reaching.

Within two hours the news had spread like wildfire: people were running in, breathlessly, nearly weeping, to buy Fat Tire by the arm load.

I was reminded of the wave of absurd fascination with Corona - the cool beer, the must-have beer, the beer to be seen with, the it beer of the 80s - when every person who wanted to be the coolest person ever drank it, holding it in exactly the right position so that all eyes could clearly read the label without having to crane their necks:

'It says "Cerveza" on it, man. That's so totally cool. And see, you put a lime in it. That makes me, like, the most important and coolest person ever. I am, like, totally awesome. Does your pussy little beer have a lime in it? Uhm, not.'

'Yeah whatever, Mr Trump. 'Cerveza' means 'beer.' And has done since our ancestors spoke the Indo-European language over seventeen thousand years ago. You're drinking a fucking beer.'

But I digress...

By the end of the night I had very nearly had all I could stand of listening to people rave about Fat Tire as if it were the most spectacular invention since the wheel; having them doing happy-dances and squealing with the same sort of freakish adrenaline-fuelled delight usually exhibited by wild-eyed holiday shoppers after they have savagely beaten an opponent to the ground in effort to get the last Tickle Me Elmo.

So I bought one.

The Fat Tire, not the Tickle Me Elmo.

I felt compelled to determine if all the cloying collateral hype was warranted. And you know what? It absolutely isn't. Though I do not typically offer product assessments, allow me to burst a couple of bubbles: First, this is made in Colorado - not Belgium (as almost everyone appears to stupidly believe); second, because the FDA would not knowingly allow addictive chemical additives to be introduced into the brewing process - at least not without them being printed on the label - and short of being made of Soylent Green, which would also require the proper labelling, the only thing this beer could possibly have going for it is a new, revolutionary, earth-shattering taste unlike any other beer - or cerveza - before or since. Problem is, it tastes like Stroh's. And not real Stroh's - not the original old school Stroh's - but the Red Dog-like pale impression of Stroh's being passed off today as a premium beer.

Once Fat Tire is warmed to about 60 degrees, there are hints of fruit in the nose and some sweet caramel malts lying under some fairly astringent hops, but that's about it. The finish is short and dry and the body is thin. And it tastes like Stroh's. All in all, less than intriguing. And certainly not worth the $3.99 price tag for a 22-ounce bottle. Frankly, if you want a Belgian-style ale with some real meat to it, grab a Maudite Red Ale from Unibroue, because it seems to me that's what Fat Tire was aspiring to be.

Of course it's the cool beer, the must-have beer, the beer to be seen with, the it beer of the moment. But like Killians, Zima, or Corona, it will eventually have burnt itself out and the fickle attention of the public will soon turn to the newest useless craze. But kudos to the folks at New Belgium for tenaciously grasping what the French have known for years: That you can bottle tap water, give it a pretentious name (Evian, which, as you well know, is 'naive' spelt in reverse ) and  Americans will kill each other to get it, because we will buy anything if we think it means we will look like the coolest people ever.

(Oh, and a note to Corona drinkers... I have nothing against Corona. It's a nice little mostly harmless Mexican beer. But will it lift a burning car off a trapped child? Will you be able to soar through the sky to a sweeping John Williams score? Will throngs of vapid followers fall slavishly at your feet to adore you as you press the lime-rimmed bottle-top to your pursed and anxious lips? No. It's a beer. Figure it out.)