Misanthropaea

Awkward Start

'Do you have Cockburn's?'
'No, but I have Dry Sack.'
'Well... I really don't like how that tastes.'
'Gotcha.' Pause. 'Uhm... just so we're clear: we are talking about Sherry, right?'

What Can Brown Do For You, Apart From Completely Bloody Annoy You?

The UPS driver, clad in his short pants and clunky boots, marched in: 'Hey, can you tell me where Checkerz is at?' he asked round the lump of tobacco bulging in his lower lip.

'I have no idea,' I told him with a shrug. 'I thought Checkerz was on the other end of town.'

'The address is sixty-two-something West Jefferson.'

'I really don't know.'

'Would it be across the road, here, you think?'

'I have no idea.'

'I mean the address here is fifty-nine-something...'

'Yeah...'

'So it would have to be just down thataway.'

'Okay. I guess so.'

'You think it's over where they're doing that construction by the tanning place?'

'I have no idea. I don't know what tanning place you're talking about.'

'Over there by where they're doing that construction across the way.'

'Whatever. I don't know.'

'Would it be over there, you think?'

'I don't know. I don't even know what Checkerz is.'

'They're like a bar or something, aren't they?'

'I don't know, man!'

'So, you think they'd be just down the road here?'

'I guess so.'

'The address on the box is something like sixty-two-hundred something.'

'Okay.'

'But I don't see them over there.'

'Sorry.'

'They'd have to be in the next block, though, if this here is the fifty-nine-hundred block, though.'

'I guess so. Yeah.'

'But I don't see them over there.'

'Sorry.'

'Maybe they're over by the book store, y'think?'

'Jesus! Man, I hate to be rude but you've asked me this like ten times and I'm still going to tell you the same thing - I. Don't. Know.'

'You gotta phone book?'

'Sure.' I pulled the book out from under the counter.

'Maybe they're in the phone book, if you've got one.'

'Right there.'

Flipping through the yellow pages: 'It's just that they should be right around here somewhere...'

'Mm-hm...'

'You think they'd be under restaurants or something?'

'Look, I have absolutely no clue what Checkerz is, so I can't even begin to answer that question.'

'Maybe they're under like "Pizza" or something...'

I grabbed the second copy of the phone book and went to the white pages: 'Maybe...'

'I mean they sell pizza, I think. Is there a section in here for bars?'

I found the listing, grabbed the phone and dialled: 'Probably...'

'Would they call them "bars," y'think?'

'Hi,' I said to the woman from Checkerz who answered the phone. 'Would you happen to have a second location on West Jefferson? Okay, great. That's all I needed to know. Thanks!' Turning back to the UPS driver: 'Checkerz has one location on Till Road - nowhere near here.'

'Really?'

'That's what the lady told me. I don't think she had any reason to lie.''

'Well I wonder if they got the wrong address on the package?'

'It's very possible.'

'Maybe they didn't mean Checkerz, y'think?'

Walking away from him: 'Maybe you should look at the package again...'

'Cause they've got to be here somewhere...'

'Bill,' I hailed one of my co-workers; 'I'll be right back.'

Behind me I heard the UPS driver approach Bill: 'Hey, buddy, d'you know where Checkerz is out here...?'

More Stupid Shit I Heard Today - Illustrated

Nodding in the general direction of the shelf:  'Yeah, man, gimme that tequila.'

'Okay.  Which one?'

'The tequila.'

'Which kind of tequila?

'The third one.'

***

 

'Gimme that pack of Merit Menthol right there.¹'

***

Pointing to a line (illustrated here by the Ubiquitous Hand of Indication) on a product and price list, the back of which is blank: 'Lemme get two of these.'

[Long pause. Staring.] 'Uh huh.'

'How much would that be?'

'How much would what be?'

'Two of these?'

'Two of what, man?'

'These two! '



***

 'How much are these dollar shots of Smirnoff?'

 {oh gods...}  'One-oh-nine, plus tax.'

 'Go ahead and give me one of them.'

 'Which kind?'

 'The clear one.'

 '...They're all clear.'

 'And a cigarillo.'

 'All of the vodka is clear. Which flavour do you want?'

 'The vodka.'

 'You want vodka flavoured vodka?'

 'You got that in Apple?'

 'No apple, no.'

 'You got the clear one?'

 'They're all clear.'

 'And a cigarillo.'

***

'Hey, dude! That's my card I lost!'

'Let me see your ID.'

'I can tell you the number of it by heart: 1850-4110-6825-1955.'

'Wow! That's absolutely every number exactly wrong!'

'Naw, man, that's my card!'

'Uh-huh. What's your name?'

'Tyrone Black.'

'And the name on the card is Lamarr C Tolbert. Sorry. Thanks for playing though.'

'Seriously, dude, that's my card!'

***
'I want that vodka right there.'

'Which one?'

'The one I can't pronounce. Right there on that shelf there.'









***
Sign next to the microwave in the back room...

1.Think of all the fun of playing Where's Waldo only without the rich reward of an actual Waldo to be found.