Misanthropaea

Stupid Shit I Heard Today - Illustrated

'Yeah, man, gimme that mango.'
'Mango what?'
'Vokka.'
'We don't carry any mango vodka.'
'Yeah, man, it's right there.'
[Following the pointed finger] 'There's no mango vodka over there.'
'Yeah it is. Right there!'
[Walking to the shelf and pointing myself] 'Right here?'
'Right there, man, in the orange bottle!'

***

'Do I got enough to get me one of them and a single cigarillo?'

***

'How much are them dollar beers?'
[Pausing to tell myself it isn't worth the effort to point out the self-referential nature of the query] 'Ninety-nine cents, plus tax.'
'Here's a dollar...'
[Looking] 'Actually that's fifty-two cents¹.'
'What? Naw, man, count that again!'
'It's fifty-two cents.'
'How much is tax?'
'It's one dollar and six cents all together.'
'I done give you a dollar!'

***
'How much that is?'
'Twenty-six forty-two.'
'Go ahead and take it out of that.'
'I can't because it's not enough.'
'How much more you need?'
'I need twenty-six forty-two.'
'What you got there?'
'Twenty, some lint and what looks like a pubic hair.'
'How much more you need?'

---

1. And why was it only fifty-two cents...?

Ro-Man's Helpful Household Tips #9

Ah, hu-man, we meet again at last for the first time since the last time...

It saddens me that my mission here is not yet complete; that you have yet to relinquish your white-knuckled death-grip on the metaphorical umbilical which continues to hold you fast to the distended womb of drooling ignorance; that you cling so very tenaciously to the wizened teat of rusticity; that you persistently stroke the great black monolith of intellectual enlightenment only to quickly draw back your fingers and lick them in toothless, giggling vacuity.

If you ever intend to reach beyond the finite boundaries of your present civilisation and join the greater galactic community, you need to not only grasp but also retain the fundamentals which would elevate your species beyond the stage of giddily flinging faeces or getting unusually and disturbingly frenetic over super absorbent German-made chamois towels sold by Steve Buscemi. And though bipedal locomotion is all very wonderful, it is not-- contrary to what you may believe --the distinguishing hallmark of intelligence, as you will one day learn. 

Though we have discussed frequently in the past a myriad of fundamental issues which often stymie and perplex your species, it seems that you continue quite unabashed in your fumbling and wide-eyed astonishment at all things informational and educational, and none more so than at the elementary manipulation of the prevalent roundish metallic objects in which your various cultures place so much imagined worth and whose procedural exchange appears to be of such great concern.

Yet we venture once again into a numismatic dissertation in effort to clarify the most rudimentary of ideas.

In this remunerative example, you are asked to examine the three figures provided to your other right and determine which of these representative images best illustrates or, at the very least, approximates, a total of two of your dollars.

I shall wait...

Ready?

If you chose Figure 1, you would of course be completely incorrect.

How can this be?

The answer is quite deceptively simple: no matter how you position the constituent parts-- brown bits on one side, silvery bits on the other;  big roundy bits on the top and smaller roundy bits on the bottom, or any other devised combination thereof --the sum total of all roundish bits in the provided figures shall forever equal $1.76.

Sticking out your tongue slightly and positioning it to one corner of your mouth whilst furrowing your brow; scratching your head and/or rubbing your face and frequently shifting your visual position to better assess the arrangement; frantically waving your hands and saying 'Wait, wait!' or perhaps even angrily pushing the roundy bits at someone else and demanding that they have a go at it because you believe 'it is all there' will never alter the actual total value of the monetary elements.

Unlike many quantum theories which suggest the existence in parallel dimensions of alternate universes, there is no theoretical process by which the existence of additional coinage can be proved by the remitting party and, currently, no method by which any presumed ethereal or extra-dimensional monies may be collected, verified, and stored by the receiver in either a cash register or financial institution.

There is a reason for the term 'Mathematical Constant.'  It is, by nature, constant. It is why mathematics are considered the Language of the Universe. You are not asked to solve Fermat's last theorem, hu-man; you are asked to understand the rudiments of the Universal Language or be the laughing stock from Ambartsumian's Knot to Zwicky's Triplet.

Transition of Power

Letter found on desk of incoming President Barack Obama:

Rosetta Something

I, like millions of others, am one of those people who just seems to struggle to learn a new language. It's not that I can't learn-- it's that I haven't found the right way to learn. If only someone-- somewhere --could come up with an easier method that doesn't include hours of tedious exorcises and boring memorisation... 

Something providing a breakthrough in learning which allows someone to work at their own pace, and to learn quickly and easily; something which utilises the way our brains are wired to learn; to engage interactively and to teach the skills needed to speak a new language with confidence...

 

Something fully rounded and firmly supported by tutorials which embrace both natural speaking and natural learning; something ample which strains against the thin fabric of conventional learning methods and stands out, clearly separated, beyond the body of traditional forms...

 

Something to keep you abreast at each high peak in the learning process and provides rigid discipline whilst avoiding the deep crevasses inherent in the educational curve; something perhaps made possible with a large titular endowment from Carnegie-Mellon...

 

I am confident that I could really lick whatever pops up in short order if only I could get my hands on them. It.